Contemplations

Passion

2009-04-09T23:34:00.000-04:00

It's something that has been on my mind quite a bit lately. Are we all "called" with/to a passion? Should we be passionate about something?

This leads me to another line of thought lately - what do I enjoy in life? What drives me? What am I good at? Recently I picked up crocheting and so far so good but like scrapbooking I lose interest pretty quickly. Is this me just wanting to feel good about myself? Or feel like I'm good at something? Validate myself?

What about my career? Should I change from my current career or stick with what I'm trained in? Maybe I enjoy administrative duties more than I realize although that is hard to say since it's been a while since that was my job. If I wanted to go back into post secondary, shouldn't I be able to find something that peaks my interest?

I'm so lost right now about what I want to do with my life. Waiting and listening for God's direction is hard. And do I trust him to direct my life in ways I'd never expect? Do I trust him to work things out for His goodness?

I need to talk more to my heavenly Father instead of just living in my own "head space".

R is for Rejection

2009-03-25T06:32:00.003-04:00

Below is a photo I took of the whiteboard at my church's College and Career's "Friday Night Event". (One hour of a study and the rest is social time).

I think it's really funny (even more so because I'm the one who wrote on the whiteboard :P).

But isn't it so true though? Especially the church part?

REAL life story

2009-02-09T20:55:00.002-05:00

I need to blog about this and get it off my mind so much.

On Sunday I shared my "real life story" in front of my church. I had prepared beforehand with a nicely typed up sheet a paper and bible in hand. It started out okay. Read the 3 small verses and starting my super short bio of how I got to the church. That was fine but when it came to sharing what God has been doing in my life lately I just started bawling. I couldn't stop crying and I knew I needed to get my story out so I did between blurry eyes and tears streaming down my face.

I don't remember much of what I said. I didn't see how many people were crying with me. I couldn't even tell you if I thought anything I said made any sense but apparently what I said hit home for a lot of people. My boss (who goes to my church) came up to me this morning and told me I even had him in tears! A grown man! Random people came up to me and thanked me for sharing, that what I said was powerful. And it kind of blew me away and still is....

I put my entire self out there to my church family. I was very vulnerable and my church showed me nothing but love and grace. How awesome is that? Not only did I show other people how human I am but I came away so encouraged!

How people see me at church has totally changed. People now know a ton more about me and it's almost a relief! Opens doors for conversations and relationships. This is not what I expected to happen but I couldn't be more thankful!

What a wonderful gift.

(Sorry mom & dad for not letting you know I was doing this but it was hard enough with one sister there! I was nervous enough! :) I know you love me and support me. What I shared on Sunday was nothing different than what you already know.)

Un-Control

2008-12-28T23:52:00.002-05:00

I had a couple profound thoughts in church today, obviously provoked by the message given by my pastor.

Eternity. For some reason I've always thought of my life ending when I die. That the only life I have is the one I have now and eternity is just where I'll go with no memory of the life on earth. I don't think that's the case. I had this vivid image of taking my journey on earth and as another "being" in heaven, is given the task of guiding someone on earth through their journey. A bit much to take in but just a thought.

Control. I learned the great lesson of control this past year. Over and over again. It finally struck me head-on this morning that if you look at the big picture, we don't have much "control" over our lives at all. Yes we have free will, but can we control the weather that then impedes travel plans? Do we control when our cars start falling apart? Do we truly control our finances? I've started to give everything to God. My job (as totally out of my element as it is), my car (as repairs come along), my health (seriously, I have some odd health issues that are minor but still..) etc.

Christ is IN me. "For God wanted them to know that the riches and glory of Christ are for you Gentiles, too. And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory." (Colossians 1:27 NLT ) ***

Christ works THROUGH me. "God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God" (Romans 8:28 NLT).

I also received some "revelations" in the past couple weeks that have stuck with me so much. I am fine. I can relax. God is taking care of me. God took everything away from me and the big one was my PRIDE. Last January I was at my peak with my physical body, spiritually (or so I thought) and I loved my job (and was finally getting comfortable) and then it was gone. I lost so much of what I thought I was. Now I've been given a job that isn't my strong suit but is at a company that people envy. Interesting no? He took away my pride and reliance in and on anything. Teaching me that I lean too much on myself and what I think I control. Life is so much more "freeing" when you let go of the worry and rest it at Jesus' feet. I know it sounds easier said then done but I've learned the hard way! Over and over again :P

I have learned so much about life in the past year and I want to keep learning but maybe a bit more gently this coming year!

***This verse was pivotal in my understanding of what the Christian life is supposed to be about and I didn't hear it until 3 years ago. I wish more people would hear and understood this verse earlier in life.

done with the chicken/being the chicken

2008-09-23T00:41:00.002-04:00

I was told a while ago by a friend that it is rather sad that I do not have any dreams/aspirations.

I lied. Not intentionally but I guess holding back, afraid of being unrealistic.

There have always been "careers" in the back of my mind that I've thought about a tad bit over my life and for various reasons wrote them off.

- radio broadcasting (until I actually heard my voice recorded - Eek!)
- writer (I've written in journals my whole life, random bits of poetry but writing a novel? Um, about what?)

And recently I've really got to thinking about a career in the IT world. I'm not saying I want to go and learn JavaScript but I love working with computers, exploring new programs, problem solving, helping people learn programs, reading up on new trends and joining the ranks, etc.

Yesterday I had an appointment with an employment advisor and now I have a task ahead of me. After doing some testing I now have a list of careers that I could be/am interested in. Research now commences. By Friday I have to have a list of the top 5 careers I would possibly like to peruse.

#1 on my testing? Computer Training/Trainer.

Interesting.

SLAM!

2008-09-17T00:17:00.002-04:00

To me if feels like I've been consistently banging my head against the wall in regards to my career. Doors keep slamming shut. Opportunities I get are either revoked last minute or the job isn't a good fit whatsoever. I've changed more jobs in the past 9 months than I have my entire life (it's a long story). All of this? Makes no sense to me.

I'm dream-less. Not in the sense of sleeping and having no dreams but the dreams people have for their lives. Goals, aspirations and direction? HA! Don't got any and don't how to acquire them. My parents never gave me (or my sibs) guidance when it came to career choices - not that makes it their fault i have no direction but having to figure everything out on my own is pretty tough.

How do I figure out what i want to do with my life? What is God telling me that I'm not hearing or taking the time to hear? I feel such a lack of understanding of my life right now that's super discouraging! I talked to a friend this morning that had me crying immediately (unbeknownst to him) because he pointed out that even if I got that job I wanted was it honestly where I wanted to end up? I didn't want to hear it! Not again! He was right on the money and I didn't want to deal with it.

It's like a never ending cycle where I think I have it figured out, I almost get a job and then I'm back to square one applying for jobs I really have no passion to even be wanting to work for. Now I have a crap p/t job because I need the money. Where does this leave me?

I'm tired of the crap. Yet I lack the ambition to figure out what I want do with my life. Does it scare the living daylights out of me that I'm so unsure of my future? HECK YES. Does it bother me that my life feels so out of sync for the past year? YES. Does it bug me that I can't afford things that I actually do need? Does it irritate me that I have to borrow money/have other people pay for groceries/food? YES, YES and YES.

This past month plus I've been more controlled when it comes to being so emotional yet I'm still at the same place in my heart and mind. WHAT AM I MISSING? I used to beg God to give me jobs that I applied for. This time I was quiet and waiting for things to work out in His time but here I am yet again.

What am I supposed to do? I don't want to switch jobs anymore unless it's where I'm supposed to be. I know people who have lost their jobs this week and feel God's peace about their future. Can I get some? I'm in this unending repetition of feeling that I'm not doing enough/good enough for God to work things out. That I've made too many wrong decisions lately that has screwed everything up. Why do I feel like I'm gonna go no where forever?

If you are praying for me, pray that I find guidance and direction. I so badly want to feel some sort of urge to try something new but it alludes me. UGH.

5.5 months of hell

2008-06-29T13:16:00.002-04:00

Today during the sermon my pastor mentioned my name in regards to facing crap in life we didn't expect and to quote "just ask Michelle, she went through 5 months of hell". Now there's way to get people talking to me! People hear that I went through and hell and are skeptical - what could be horrible that it was like hell?

Like I told some people today - at that time it felt like hell. My entire life was turned upside down and shook about. To me it was the worst thing that has happened in my 23 years of life (excluding many deaths in the family). I LOVED my job. It was perfect for me - creative, administrative and books galore! It was a huge blow to my identity in this world. I had banked on that job for a good couple more years and in seconds my future was unknown.

I cried daily for about 4 months. I cried myself to sleep, I cried on my way home after interviews, I cried driving to and fro temp jobs, I cried in the washroom on my breaks. It was an extremely emotional time for me! I was the stable one - had the good paying job, bought a car, always responsible financially, solid as a rock. I was that no longer. I was a wreck. There were moments where I screamed bloody murder and was sobbing prostrate on the ground. I was downright pissed off, anger, tired, annoyed and feeling very much alone. Sadly my sister who I live with didn't know how to console me so I was pretty much on my own to deal with my outbursts. No one knew how badly I was taking the job loss, I hid it well for quite sometime telling friends/family that I knew God would provide when deep in my heart I was crazy scared.

Even today not many people knew what I was going through and I have such a hard time explaining what went on. I was a walking, talking emotional time bomb, depressed beyond words and so sad. I stopped caring about myself and my friends. I was in this situation and that's all that mattered. I was not myself at all. Smiling was forced and hearing me laugh was rare. I hurt so much. Honestly if it wasn't for my Pastor I think my hell would have lasted a lot longer. He was brutal with reminding me who I was in Christ and what mattered at that moment. Praying for my emotions - I can do that? I learned to ask God what He was going to speak into my heart about and it was always the same:

I LOVE YOU. You are mine. Enjoy the day I have given you. Relax. Love yourself as much as I love you.

For so long I lived on my emotions and reacted on them. I thought I knew what I wanted and I told God that constantly. In the end I didn't get any of the jobs I wanted instead I'm where God wants me.

the beginning to the rest of my life

2008-06-24T21:31:00.002-04:00

I thought that suddenly my life would come together in one huge climatic event. Funny how God has different ideas. I thought that I would have so much to blog about from the last 6 months yet words allude me. It was a journey of journeys. It was the end of a beginning and a beginning to the rest of my life. God taught me so many things and I'm a wiser person because of it. Never have I shed so many tears in my life and even now tears come so easily. I was finding myself in the wrong way and in the wrong places. God defines me. Work, friends, church doesn't. Pride is an easy throne to sit on and the hardest to come off of. God will show His hand but only in His time no matter what we do. Life will change but Christ is ever present and the same, forever.

Below is a "snapshot" of a moment from the past 6 months:

Tear drops fall, splattering little marks on her pants. Chest heaving in sobs she cries in anguish. In complete desperation.

Don’t give up.
You are LOVED.

She falls on her knees, hands rubbing down her face. Whipping away the water rolling down her cheeks.

I LOVE you.
You are my daughter.

Audibly she talks aloud looking up towards the ceiling. Emotion wrapped around every word; anger, doubt, longing, desperation.

Come to Me.
My arms are open.

-----------------------

Also my pastor was a huge help in giving me encouragement and letting me cry...well I cried almost every time we spoke. Talk about crying on a drop of hat!

(7:11 PM) Pastor:

how about quit praying for the situation, and pray for intimacy?

(7:13 PM)

the screaming and running around means you have taken back control over your situation. Re-surrender is a gift the Holy Spirit gives us.....VERBALLY yell it out...I surrender control to you God, I will trust you with the OUTCOME of all this. Now God, with that said, let's get to know one another...what are you saying to my heart RIGHT NOW..."

(7:14 PM)

(when the stress hits again...you can yell out....WHOA! Wait a min emotions, I've surrendered that, back off. Quit messin' with my head. Father, address the emotional response, because I can't....now Father, back to what you are trying to say to me...

(7:16 PM) graceguycanada@yahoo.com:

here is what he will tell you Michelle, ..."I LOVE YOU, NOW...RECEIVE MY GENTLE LOVE, I WILL WORK IT OUT, GENTLY TAKE YOUR EYES OFF OF THE SITUATION AND PUT THEM ON ME, LOOK IN MY EYES, I LOVE YOU AND I ONLY HAVE THE BEST IN MIND FOR YOU, YOU ARE MINE, AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU....FOREVER!

That chapter on my life is closed. Nothing lost, much has been gained.

Summer evenings

2008-06-24T21:23:00.003-04:00

There is something wonderful about watching the sun slowly fade into the night. The warm air wraps it's last breaths around the ground bringing with it a heavenly scent..trees, flowers, freshly trimmed grass. It tinkles the nose and absorbs into the lungs.
Dusk, it comes slowly and delicately letting us enjoy the sunshine for as long as possible.
Farewell bright day and welcome warm earthy night with all your mysteries.

(Inspired and written on June 24, 2008)

heart wrenching

2008-04-05T19:14:00.003-04:00

This afternoon I watched the "Passion of the Christ" again after seeing it 3 years ago. It seemed like the right moment to watch the movie again as heart wrenching as it is. My cheeks are stained with salty tears, my heart still deep with emotions.

What a feeling that must have been for the disciples to see Christ died as He told them at the passover. To take the bread and wine in remembrance of Him before knowing how broken He would become and that death was part of God's plan.

He suffered intense pain for US! We are forgiven in Him always and forever. God sacrificed His only flesh and blood to show us His eternal love. How free are we?

More free then we can ever understand with our human minds. Christ in us, the hope of glory! Forgiven of every sin and loved beyond our wildest imaginations.

Papa, thank you.

Do you want to see the real me?

2008-04-04T00:01:00.000-04:00

Do you want to see the real me?

Follow me through the cemetery.

Hear my laboured breathing
and the sounds of my feet plodding along.
Watch me turn and tilt my head,
and soak in the warm sun.
See the tears leak out my eyes
and wet my cheeks.

Hear me uttering words
and singing praise songs.
Watch me kneel on the ground
with my hands raised.
See the smile on my face
as I surrender yet again.

Keep following me and you will see Him.

Bright as the sun and mysterious as the wind.

letting go and reaching out

2008-03-25T23:31:00.002-04:00

"Why do I fail to see God's hand in this? Why do I feel like I'm in a pit and can't seem to even try climbing out?"

I contacted my pastor tonight in request of finding me a counselor. I need someone to talk to and get a grip on my life. I'm so confused, hurt and frustrated right now that it's affecting my being. I cry pretty much daily. I cry out to God constantly yet my heart is heavy and my head hung low.

I need to move on and I can't without some guidance.

This has been probably one of the most difficult times in my life so far. May I come out of this an even more spiritually shaped person.

Encouragement

2008-03-18T23:06:00.001-04:00

I stumbled across this video on a friend's facebook page. I needed to hear these lyrics at that moment and definitely felt the need to share:

i'm not alright, i'm broken inside

2008-03-17T20:38:00.003-04:00

I'm not hanging on very well.

I cry almost everyday.

Tears of anguish and anger.

I thought I heard God telling me that today things would change and it seems I was very wrong. Nothing has changed and I have to go back to a really crappy temp job (to put it nicely.)

Is it so wrong to just ask for a job?!? I'm losing faith in God's provision. 8 WEEKS! I'm tired of being home all the time, I'm tired of being so emotional and upset with myself for still being at home.

What else is there for me to do? I'm not getting interviews and I don't want to take on any more temp jobs.

Why can I love God so much but I feel so alone? Why do I think I hear His voice but it is my own? I got through this weekend banking on what I thought was going to happen and now I'm sorely disappointed.

I want stability back! I feel like I can't get anything done because my entire life is off balance. I have so many things I need to do once I have a stable income. I can't even maintain my car or keep a stock of groceries in the house.

I'm tired of this being my entire life and that's all I have to talk about. I'm a drag! I'm depressed and don't want to talk about it anymore.

Where do I go from here? Live off EI for half a year? I apply for jobs but the only calls I get are from temp agencies. I know things could be worse but for me this is my "worse". I'm jobless, single and depressed. Great stuff!

What's it going to take for me to become employed? How many times to I have to pray? How many times to I have to cry in anguish? How many nights do I have to struggle with sleep?

I'M DONE. I've given up.

Under a cloud

2008-02-29T22:03:00.001-05:00

I'm really depressed tonight...I even got out of the house to be around people but it didn't work because my entire life right now is on hold. I HATE BEING UNEMPLOYED. There isn't a moment in the day I don't think about the fact that I'm jobless and have bills that need to be paid. I'm so tired of this being my entire life right now. I have nothing to talk about except that I can't seem to find a job.

I hurt so bad and I cry a lot. I keep up a face so much around people because I don't want anyone knowing how much I'm struggling. Or how disrupted my life has become...

I cried myself into a nap this afternoon begging God to take care of me. I feel so neglected and alone. People keep reminding that God has something big in store for me but I fail to see it.

I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of being sick, I'm sick of being home all day, I'm sick of my life right now.

4 weeks

2008-02-18T16:56:00.002-05:00

I'm tired and sick. This is not a good combo.

Tired of being at home day after day, feeling very much alone and useless. 4 weeks I have been unemployed and I'm not doing well at all. Why? Last year was really rough on me and now this? I had written in my journal in the fall that God must be preparing me for something big but I didn't think it would be this. I've applied for a ton of jobs but nothing, NOTHING. And I hate that this is all my life is about now. Having to explain to everyone I know that I'm still not working. It hurts. My career was a major party of my identity and now it's gone.

All I can do is trust God in all of this but I'm having such a hard time doing so. And will it take me completely trusting him for me to get a job? Stupid legalistic mindset! Leave me! I have so much doubt yet I know that when I got my job 3.5 yrs ago it was an answer to prayer so why do I doubt? I know He provides but I won't let myself believe it again. But I have to!

So many people have said/passed on such amazing encouragement and I need to keep reminding myself:

"I know that God has a beautiful plan for the details of your life. Your attitude about this is so honouring to God. "

I have emails and a card chuck full of beautiful words from friends and old co-workers. I worked with some amazing people who have helped me become who I am and I miss them dearly.

Honestly I don't know if I can take any more heart break. I spent the fall healing from a very intense year and now again I'm.....upset, crying, hurting, and trying to see what God is doing in my life.

renewal

2007-12-29T20:32:00.001-05:00

God does keep transforming us even in the midst of feeling very much alone, even more so when we don't even ask in our selfish prayers. God knew what I needed to read today and it's refreshed me yet again.

The last couple months have been a blur of many struggles and tears. It was a "season" for me of what I'm not quite sure but I feel that it's over. Greater things are coming and He has prepared me for it. I cannot ask what but I feel deep inside that things are going to change and evolve.

Christ in me. Forever!

I saw the sign(s)

2007-12-19T16:10:00.000-05:00

There have been moments in the past few days that I've really noticed God's handiwork and sometimes it makes me chuckle.

I'm indecisive about moving and keep sending requests to God to help me decided. And what happens within a few minutes? Obnoxious neighbours above us having a loud party that did not end until after midnight. (One big reason I want out of an apartment building - noise level).

I was feeling let down by someone and within two days the person called me to get together.

Had a coffee break with my pastor and he reminded me to keep discovering God's love for me. And what is on the calendar that I just received as a present? "God is for you". The Lord your God loves you". Hmmm. (Except the calendar came from my pastor....)

I love today, it's been a great day.

i just don't know

2007-12-16T14:27:00.001-05:00

I feel like I'm in un-ending funk. I don't know how to get out of this and move on. I'm tired, worn out, emotional and feeling really lonely. I've been a horrible friend to people for the past while - I don't keep in contact, I don't even appear online half the time even tho I'm at home sitting in front of my computer doing nothing. I'm avoiding certain people and I don't know why!!

There is so much stuff I need to do and I lack all motivation. I feel so horribly guilty right now and am pretty much able to cry at the drop of a hat.

I don't know what the hell is going on but all I know is that I need.....someone to pick up my pieces and help me back up.

authentic smile

2007-11-17T17:16:00.000-05:00

I'm changing, again. My heart has broke so much over the past year and I know that God is slowly healing me over time. He told me to rest in His arms and I'm starting to without even trying.

My priorities in life are taking a turn too. I'm building more relationships that are genuine and honest. I LOVE it.

There are so many things I still need to unlearn and work through but I'm getting there in God's time.

*A thought just popped in my head after I hit post the first time - I've stopped relying on the same people to help me get through situations - Christ is becoming the shoulder for me to cry on.

i am ugly betty

2007-11-14T20:42:00.000-05:00

I could never put my finger on why I love the show "Ugly Betty" so much but it hit me tonight while I was watching the last episode I missed.

I am Ugly Betty.

Betty: "I'm always the sensible one! I should be able to take a risk"
(paraphrased b/c my memory isn't that good)

In the past 3 years of my life I have always been the one with my head on straight. Always I think about how what I do affects everyone around me. Everyday I consider what my actions show about who I am. My thoughts fill with things of stability and security. I never take risks. I stay the same in life afraid to let go, afraid that others will fail without my stronghold of having my head on straight. Always the pillow but do you know what?? I want to rip that pillow and watch the feathers swirl in the air as I angrily tear the seam apart. I don't have it all together, never have!!

I went to college because my sisters did. I picked the only program I knew I could at least pass because I know I am not smart in math or science. After college I moved in with my sister because she needed a roommate and I didn't want to stay at home. I stayed unemployed that summer because I didn't try hard at getting a job. It took me four months to realize that I wasn't ready for the work world and ruined my summer. I work hard at my job and started settling down. I got promoted, which in turn I bought a car and now it's 3.25 years later. Do I know what I want with my life?

NO!

And I never have! I have no dreams or aspirations. Well I dream about things I know could never be a reality. What am I to achieve? What am I to become? I've grown up so much in the past 3 years - professionally and spiritually but for what?

Here I sit at my computer pounding the crap out of my keyboard writing this and again, for what?? Who's my audience besides my family and a select few other friends? I want to write like no one understands. I have such a passion for writing from my heart. I want people to hear my life, what struggling really means. To be honest with each other instead of hiding in our own little worlds only coming out to have relationships when we want them.

I want love! Love beyond all love. I want someone to come home to and cry on their shoulder. To have support physically, emotionally and spiritually. I want to stop always being the strong one. I want people to see I am real, I have feelings and I cry, a LOT! I am bawling right now and my heart is pounding in my head so bad it feels like it wants to explode.

I don't know what else to do right now. I don't know what's next. I know that Christ is the centre of my life but right now I'm so lost. I've given up talking to people about my spiritual life and I don't know why. I'm afraid of people seeing me lose it yet I sit at home alone sometimes and just sob uncontrollably. There were moments this summer I was driving in my car with tears just streaming down my face.

I can't continue like this because it's slowly killing me inside. I need people, I need counsel, I need encouragement, I need affirmation, I need relationships. I need to stop wearing this mask. I want people to see the real me - the hurt me, the happy me, the beauty inside of me, the love inside of me. I want people to finally see ME even if I don't really know who I am entirely. So here I am....

...broken like fragile glass.

When will you stop acting like a 35 year old?

2007-11-12T15:27:00.000-05:00

I have touched on this topic before in a quote I came across but again it's popping up in my life. What is true maturity?

"1: the quality or state of being mature; especially : full development
2: termination of the period that an obligation has to run"
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/maturity

Is it so freak'n wrong to act beyond one persons own age?

Romans 8:6

2007-11-12T15:20:00.000-05:00

Romans 8:6

6 So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%208:6%20;&version=51;

association

2007-11-08T09:10:00.000-05:00

Association is a funny thing, actually more fascinating than anything else.

Example 1:

This morning I slipped on a ring that was given to me by my late Aunt Rita a month before she passed on. I wear the ring once in a while - sometimes as a reminder, other times it just matches the outfit. It's a beautiful gold band ring with a raised retangular blue stone and inscripted with "Love Aunt Rita, 2004". It's been 3 years last month since she died at the age of 51 to brain cancer.

Association - when I put the ring on this morning I thought about something an old roommmates dad said to me - "With that much cancer in your family, no one will ever want to marry you". Freak'n ouch eh? I haven't thought about that moment in a long time and I don't plan on dwelling on it. Jerk.

Example 2:

I have a hard time memorizing scripture. Why? As a kid I attend AWANA at a local bible chapel and what was the main thing we did to get rewarded? Memorize scripture and LOTS of it in...wait for it....King James Version. It's taken me a long time to even appreciate the thought of memorizing scripture again for more reasons that it just being an old school translation but how much I was forced to memorize scripture and the expectations from my mom. All I can say is, thanks goodness for the NLT.

Example 3:

Easy listening music. Any time I hear easy listening music (especially a song I know from the '80's and early 90's) I am transported back to many a times as a child sitting in the car listening to music while mom went shopping (it alwasy felt like FOREVER).

Example 4:

Christmas music - especially certain songs I flash back to many good memories of Christam and I long for them all over again. Even right now there is Christmas music playing in the office and it makes me want Christmas!

Like I said association with things are very interesting...

bing! went the light

2007-11-07T09:42:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a thought/idea come to mind and I want to persue this. I'm going to run with it and see where it takes me. I'm going to be vague because I get ideas quite often but they don't usually go anywhere/I forget about them.

So, if anything becomes of this idea I will spill but for now...it's your guess. :P

breakfast soul food

2007-11-06T09:12:00.000-05:00

Romans 8:26-28 (New Living Translation)

26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers[a] in harmony with God’s own will. 28 And we know that God causes everything to work together[b] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

dinner for one, hold the onions

2007-11-05T15:57:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year ago -well getting there in just a few short weeks.

I absolutely LOVE Christmas but sometimes I really dread mass gatherings. Office events involving everyone and their spouse (who's the only single?), family gatherings where anyone over the age of 20 is already married (and probably a kid on the way)...

In no means am I desperate for a "better half", just situations like this sometimes poke a little at my emo heart.

your grace is ENOUGH for me

2007-11-02T23:44:00.000-04:00

October has been a grace rich month and so is the beginning of this month.

I'm currently attending the Grace Walk Conference again for the second time and I'm still grasping more truths and understanding

More thoughts to come....

un-perfect

2007-10-26T15:25:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wish I were perfect although not a soul on this planet is.

Making mistakes really bugs me and usually puts a tamper on my mood because all mistakes have consequences. For the most part I don't have a problem admitting to doing something wrong but at the same time I hate the feeling of it being my fault....yet again. My heart starts pounding, my sorrounds become unfocused and I feel a heat flush rush up from my neck and my ears turn read.

Why is being un-perfect so hard sometimes? Why do I feel like making a mistake is really showing faults? And in some situations there could be reasons for mistakes - inadequate training, lapse of judgement, distractions, etc.

I guess this is God's way of keeping me humble?!?

Great Wonders

2007-10-23T15:14:00.000-04:00

Joshua 3

5 Then Joshua told the people, “Purify yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do great wonders among you.”

7 The Lord told Joshua, “Today I will begin to make you a great leader in the eyes of all the Israelites. They will know that I am with you, just as I was with Moses.

to a funky (less) beat

2007-10-23T14:06:00.000-04:00

funk 1

n.
1. a. A state of cowardly fright; a panic.
b. A state of severe depression.
2. A cowardly, fearful person.

I'm not sure how much I agree to the definition of funk or at least my version of what being in a "funk" means.

I'm not severly depressed but I am to some extent:
-I'm snacking too much
-I crave sleep even though I'm getting more now than I have all summer
-I'm not exactly cheerful
-I've been really lazy in the last while
-I want to cry randomly

But I am in some sort of funk and I don't know why or even how to get out of it. I try to pray but I feel empty. In the past two weekends I have been inandated with so much soul food yet I have no desire to think about, process it and grow from it. I just want to stay at home, curled up in bed reading a book.

What is wrong with me? Why am I possibly depressed? Can I blame the weather? Am I just finally releasing stress that's been pent up all summer? Am I grieving about this Friday marks the three years since Aunt Rita died? (cripes, I just started tearing up).

I was told a couple weeks ago that I have potiental to grow up and become a "spiritual mom" but right now I feel like a fraud. I barely pray, or do devos. I hardly give God a second thought lately and it makes me feel guilty.

I know I need to get out of this state of whatever but I don't know how to start. Actually I know I need to pray about it but I have no desire but yet I need to.

I seem to be stuck in a cycle and I'm not happy. I'm not happy with myself internally or externally.

I need to break out,
the darkness is thickening.
My heart is heavy
and my eyes misting.
A burden sits on me,
smoothering my soul.
I cry,
weeping into the pillow.

Dear God,
What is wrong with me?

I yearn to break this cycle but patience aludes me.
-----
During church on Sunday I heard/thought came to mind:

"Just rest and the rest will come"

Could it be that simple?

the universal question

2007-10-20T01:06:00.000-04:00

WHY?

The question every little kid asks and us adults don't grow out of either, we just ask differently.

I'm filled with that question today and I have no answer. I'll never have an answer.

But that's okay because in the end, do I really need it?

breaking a sweat

2007-10-18T23:43:00.000-04:00

This isn't an ordinary "deep thoughts" post but it's still honest.

I've been in a weird slump for the past two weeks and it's annoying the heck out of me! So much so that I've taken up going to the gym again.

Shocking!

It's been what? Since July?

UGH.

I went Tuesday night and kicked into high gear with 15min of power walking on the treadmill and 25 minutes of "weight loss" cycle on the Elliptical. Tonight I did another full amount of cardio with power walking and running for 25min burning almost 400 calories.

Now I'm tired and hungry!

I need energy back in my life and I know getting back on track with my fitness is key! When I was working out with a PT and started losing weight - I gained confidence and more self-esteem. I'm back to body hating and realizing my jeans are getting snug again.

It's crazy how in such a few short months I am almost back to square 1 in my fitness level! Near the end of my PT I was at an "athletic" level! That's a huge accomplishment for me! I can run? Leg press my body weight? Shoulder press 20lb weights? Leg curl 90lbs?

Step 1 b) Diet
-change eating habits again cutting down to 2 Starbucks drinks a month
-no starches at dinner
- protein 3 times a day (mix between bars and shakes)
- more veggies
-less dairy - only 1 yogurt a day

Step 2 Fitness Program
- go back to Body for Life program
- 3 day cardio, 3 day weight training

When I was seeing a PT before my goal was fitting better into a bridesmaid dress but even that goal wasn't met very well - I need encouragement and a goal. Feel free to give either or!

(next post, back to regular scheduled spiritual thoughts)

complexities of the soul

2007-10-15T23:35:00.000-04:00

My soul is unsettled right now and I think I know why.

I gained a lot of knowledge this weekend, spiritually, and I think I'm afraid of how all of this could change me.

I need the change, I'm not sure why I'm resisting.

----

Side note: I love church meetings!! I always leave so encouraged. :)

i need chocolate

2007-10-14T23:46:00.000-04:00

I'm going thru somewhat of a depressed state. I have no motivation for anything! I need so badly to get back to the gym because I know it can totally change things around for me yet I haven't the energy to bother going. How messed is that? Plus I keep putting off going back night after night because I find other things to do which usually end up just me staring at a choice of two screens.

Spiritually I am in a funk. The last two days have been filled with intense grace filled training yet I can't be bothered to process any of it. Why? I have such a bad habit of letting myself lose trust when my life is a lot less stressed. No wonder God keeps bringing me to places of brokeness because I don't learn my lesson the first time.

I'm letting myself go on so many levels and I'm not sure how to turn around. I feel unhealthy, and I want the energy back I used to have!

I want to feel more ALIVE.

realizations part 1

2007-10-13T23:58:00.000-04:00

Today I realized that there is a certain person in my life that I am constantly staying connected to - which is great and all - but sometimes I think I do too much. I came to realize today that I keep this up because I'm afraid of losing my acceptance and connection with that person when I darn well know that wouldn't happen. I'm still afraid of rejecting and being forgotten.

How messed up is that? In the past I did that with relationships I knew were only for a season but why do I do this with friends who I know do care deeply about me and would never reject me?

This is not God in me, it's me in myself being afraid.

Adam and EVE

2007-10-05T21:10:00.000-04:00

I need to process something here for a moment.

*breath*

I just finished reading a very intense novel - "Adam" by Ted Dekker and I'm mentally and physically still trying to re-cooperate. (I was seriously frozen on my bed as I read the last page). I'm blown away by Dekker's ability to write such a psychological yet spiritual novel based on such evil.

I don't want to give any of the plot away since the novel doesn't release until April of next year but I have a few warnings.

1. If you are scared of the dark, don't read this novel
2. Want a relaxing evening? Put this particular book down
3. In for a crazy intense thrilling novel? Sit down and start reading!

For the most part I've been a fan of Ted Dekker - especially the Black, Red and White trilogy but this book is in a category of it's own, in my opinion.

In such a world as today's, do I want to be aware of such evils? Or forever pull a toque over my eyes?

a summer of a season

2007-10-01T14:47:00.000-04:00

This past summer has finally caught up to me.

Hard.

Being so incredibly busy, dealing with family issues, being in a wedding, moving my parents and going through some major spiritual growth has really been challenging for me. I was stressed to the max without really realizing it.

I cracked.

On Friday evening I had to travel to my parents old place to help them pack. No big deal, really, but as I drove out of the city limits my eyes welled up and a tear slipped down my cheek. One tear after another, they cascaded down my face and I sobbed. Gut wretching sobs. Continously for about half an hour I just cried, I forced myself to stop so I wouldn't be upset in front of my already emotionally spent mother. Then on Saturday after saying farewell to my parents and driving away from my childhood home I cried again, before I could even turn onto the gravel road from the driveway.

Memories.

Leaving my childhood home was harder than I realized. So many memories attached to that house, the back bush, hours spent outside underneath the huge maple trees, playing in the sandbox, biking up and down the lane, road hockey with dad, sledding down the barn hill, picking beans, shoveling the carport, running for the bus, mowing the lawn, Sunday afternoons lying around the living room reading, curling up on the sun patches on the carpet, 21 Christmas eve's, holiday dinners, babysitting neighbourhood kids, shooting hoops, building forts in the basement, sitting in front of the woodstove, inhaling the smell of the country side, getting the mail, buying eggs from the house across the road, canning peaches and strawberries, family reunions on my birthday, tinkering on the piano, cranking the tunes, chores every Saturday, breaking my arm doing dishes, bonfires, the teeter totter, sitting on the front steps.... I'm going to miss that place more than I want to admit.

A new season.

God has take me and molded me even more in the past 6 months than I could have ever thought. I needed it. It changed be and I have begin to let go of so many things. I want to be continously challenged because I don't want to stay the same - I want to be who God wants me to be. I'm ready.

My prayer.

Take me as I am now, I am me, loved, accepted and saved by the grace of God. My life is yours Jesus, forever.

AMEN.

looking in the mirror

2007-09-23T23:25:00.000-04:00

I love my life.
This weekend has taught me how much I love who I am.
This is me, I will be myself.

(more self-reflection to come)

God's Grace is Enough

2007-09-14T23:52:00.000-04:00

Why in the world did you come after me?

Thank you, thank you.

Words aren’t enough, but for now I can say

Thank you, thank you.

(Thank You, Sanctus Real)

I have had an incredible journey this week discovering truths about myself and it’s been well, humbling to say the least. God is continuously shaping me into a new person with Christ as my core identity. I thought I had already experienced the freedom of God's Grace but I think this week I got a huge refreshing gulp.

This is me, and I'm learning to love who I am...becoming.

4 days, and a lifetime of change

2007-09-13T23:50:00.001-04:00

God has me on some incredible journey and my heart just explodes with emotion.

In the past 4 days I have discovered more about myself than I ever thought I could. I am finally free! Free of another flesh pattern I clung to without even realizing it. What a feeling!

God is good? All the time.

Pitas and Perspectives

2007-09-06T16:50:00.000-04:00

Perspective is a funny thing.
----------
In the art of language:

I always speak too fast and the other day I was reminded again that it’s still an issue.

I want to be mad. I want to think that I’ve made progress in the last year. It’s a speech issue that is going and is so hard to break! To me, I seem to talk fine and my brain processes what I say so why can't anyone else?

I did some research today and came across this paragraph:

“Many people with social anxiety are so anxious and wound up when we have to speak to someone or talk on the phone that we end up talking way too fast. Then, that faster speech just feeds back and can lead to more anxious thoughts and feelings and of course the cycle continues. It is also very hard to communicate with others when you speak so fast.” http://www.anxiousliving.com/2006/06/29/slow-talk/#more-53

I wouldn't say that currently I suffer from social anxiety but it makes sense to why I have become a speed talker. Growing up I was so insecure, quiet and when I spoke it was fast because if I didn't say it fast, no one heard me (or so I thought). And now, I'm more confident but still struggle with the mumbling talking fast thing. When I get comfortable around people I know I forget that my jaw moves a mile a minute...

I need help to break this habit but it's going to take a long time and lots of patience.
-----

The emotional side:

"well, the most I've seen is you get upset, but mask it well, i've never seen anything besides michelle's unbreakable calm veneer"

Wow. Um. Holy crap? But how true that is.

Perspective of yourself from other people is humbling to say the least. It makes me realize that I'm not exactly who I think I am. I can't believe I hide things so well when sometimes I'm hurting something fierce inside. Walls? Yup, I got those and for a reason. Slowly I'm removing a brick at a time.

Thank God for blessing me with people in my life patient enough to teach me about myself.

God's Timing

2007-08-28T13:17:00.001-04:00

"You hear about God's timing so much, you don't give it any thought until the next miracle sneaks over and smacks you upside the head"

(My Soul to Keep, Davis Bunn, page 105)

Maturity

2007-08-27T12:43:00.000-04:00

"Being an authentic Christian has nothing to do with building a successful career, having a nice family, and mastering the mechanics of daily life. Maturity has far more to do with courageously tackling the deep questions of the heart, struggling with ourselves and with God, and finding out who we are really made to be."

http://relevantmagazine.com/releblog/relationships/why-does-god-take-so-long

This is my "gold nugget" for today. A topic that has been on my mind a lot lately - this helps me understand myself just a little more. :)

whispers in the wind

2007-08-12T22:53:00.000-04:00

I touched base on this topic on my last post but this came up in conversation today at church.

Hearing the voice of God.

Do we hear the voice of God and ignore it? Do we put thoughts in our own minds thinking that we do hear Him but it's actually us? How long do you wait for answer? Do ever miss His voice? And does He only talk to us about "big things"? Is our intuition maybe more God driven than we think?

What if we make a decision that we feel God is leading us towards but events keep happening postponing the final word? I've been told and I know that sometimes when we make wrong choices God will still use them for a purpose. Or that that was the way the situation was to happen.

So how much are we supposed to analyze or rethink or keep asking God about? Ultimately is the decision ours and we face the consequences if we don't wait to hear God's answer? What if we think we do hear it?

And what do you pray for? A sign? Spoken word? What if we miss all the signals?

Again all of this boils down to letting God take our entire life and everything in it - giving up control and relying on Him.

knock, know! HELLO?

2007-08-09T23:47:00.000-04:00

When will we ever start to listen to God's voice? I heard him distinctly today yet ignored Him and what happened? Consequences. I used to think it was more gut instinct that gave me these thoughts but I'm learning more and more that God does communicate with me even if I'm not expecting Him to.

This journey I'm on? I so hit a very deep puddle today but am back out of the puddle...dripping wet but an enlightened and changed. My family and myself are going through challenge after challenge yet we are still sticking together.

Like Carol Kent mentioned last night - make a gratitude list. And I am. And the list keeps growing!! Thank God for the body of Christ and the family members it offers.

Points to remember:

"you just keep your focus on HIM and remember HE is living your life for you as YOU"

"This is what the body of Christ does, we live CHRIST TO one another.....
it doesn't stop!!!!"

"...what happens when you squeeze and orange? orange juice comes out.....
you are being squeezed.....what is coming out......? Jesus"

Oh Lord you're beautiful, your face is all I seek! For when your eyes are on this child, your grace abounds to me.

poet-ess

2007-07-27T00:27:00.000-04:00

I'm tired.
Take this burden from me.
Lift my spirits
because I'm feeling crushed.

I NEED you more than I need life.

Carefree, wind swirling,
laughter bubbling out of my mouth like a stream.
Floating, tip toeing across the sky,
Soaring above the world, absent of thought.

slowly dropping back to earth,
please catch me before I fall.

A battle: church vs facebook

2007-07-25T12:57:00.000-04:00

http://www.churchmarketingsucks.com/archives/2007/06/wheres_the_chur_1.html

It's interesting to read what people think about churches using secular hip trends...and reading some comments people left at the end of the article....some are laughable. I don't understand why churches aren't always looking for the newest hottest ways to communicate - to me it only makes sense. You want to reach people? Use what everyone else is! And where else do most people nowadays get their info? INTERNET. We live in a ME generation, go with it! It's that same for the Christian book market - we need to catch up with the secular world and live in today, not last year. Why is it that it seems like the Christian "world" is always one step behind??

Another point - social interaction right now is heavily saturated online as opposed to face to face. So it is always better to talk to a person face to face but socially that isn't happening much anymore and being against facebook isn't going to change that. And in conclusion of such when you talk to people in person now, facebook is a hot discussion! So guess what that means? Get on the bandwagon and GO!

Just like people's fear of change - get over it! Life is constantly changing if you like it or not! And yes sometimes change can bring different outcomes than what we want but isn't that the part of learning? How can we keep maturing if we don't let ourselves/lives to change? I don't think people are afraid of change but of losing control.

summer night

2007-07-17T21:51:00.000-04:00

Inhale. Warm sweet summer air.
A hand reaches up palms facing the heavens.
Head tilts up, eyes close.

Jesus, my Saviour.
You pick me up out of this grave.
Your life breaths into me.
Beautiful, beautiful is my image of you.

You are everything.
What my heart longs for.
What my heart aches for.
Fill me Jesus with your love forever.

I will run to you with arms open wide
Sun beaming, breaking through the clouds.

blasting in my head...and I'm so happy

2007-07-17T10:21:00.000-04:00

Well I could sing unending songs
Of how you saved my soul
I could dance a thousand miles
Because of your great love

My heart is bursting Lord to
To tell of all you've done
Of how've you changed my life
And wiped away the past

Well, I want to shout it out
From every roof top sing
For now I know
That God is for me, not against me
(Happy Song - Chris Tomlin)

This morning I woke to this song seriously blasting in my head...and I'm talking just in my head, no one else could hear it. And this song? One of my favourite songs from camp...*sigh*

Life is meaningless!

2007-07-16T14:40:00.000-04:00

Ecclesiastes 3:
10 I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. 11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time.

Ecclesiastes 5:
18 Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life. 19 And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—this is indeed a gift from God. 20 God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past.

What a great book of the bible! Not exactly the most light-hearted or full of happiness but filled with a person's frustration on the world and our role in it. For me this was a very timely read.

(Chapters copied from www.biblegateway.com)

middle of the day interjection

2007-07-11T16:29:00.000-04:00

Is growing up a state of mind or circumstancial?
What makes a person a grown up? The legal age? Life Experiences? Maturity?

And once we are a grown up do we stay a grownup?

Can we grow up too fast and miss out on some things in life? Would God allow that? In today's society what defines grown up status? A car? Good job? Responsibilities?

A friend and I went out for bubble tea the other night and we got talking about where our lives had taken us. And after a bit of me explaining my story she said "it must have been hard growing up so quickly!". I wanted to hug the girl! Someone who is sympathetic and almost understanding of why sometimes I struggle with how "grown up" I have to be at times because of my circumstances in life.

But am I as grown up as I think I am?

i need a bandaid

2007-07-09T09:13:00.000-04:00

Last night I ended my weekend on an ouchy note. Let set up the moment for you:

"Aren't you tired of always being....hm hm? You need to be goofy sometimes".
(basically the body language translated into basically implying that I'm stuckup)

OUCH. That hurt and probably one of the main reasons I slept like crap last night (or lack thereof). This bothers me something fierce. My answer is that it just isn't me! Yes I enjoy having fun and laughs but I've never been the type to just let loose. Ever. I'm not wired that way.

Nobody understands. I had to grow up incredibly fast! It pretty much started when at the age of 18 I was in charge of 10 people 5 days a week, 3 meals a day for 2.5 months at MWSR. That summer changed me especially in the aspect of responsibility. I graduated college at the age of 19 and had a full-time job that summer before I was even 20. I've grown up so much in the past 3 years it's insane! I've had to rediscover who I am a zillion times over and with that has brought a lot of change to my personality and my way of life. I've taken on more responsibilties lately with buying a car and the big kicker - being a church elder. It's not that having all this going on makes me a better person or better than other people it's just that the place I am in life right now is a lot different than most people my age.

Spiritually I've had a massive makeover especially in the past year. This has also matured me and makes me who I am today, right now. I love being silly, goofy and witty but sometimes that doesn't come out because of the surroundings I'm in. And yes I am sometimes tired of always being apparently "stuck up" but I can't change that. I have too many people counting on me to be the stable, normal, accountable, responsible person.

This is so hard to explain!!

Also something else came up about how I go to church because I'm searching for something. That's not exactly right. I'm not really searching for anything because I have found Christ, He lives in me and thru me. My life is His life. I go to church to learn more and fill my thirsty soul. And the by products of such bring community and fellowship with other church goers.

Being an Elder (and the secretary on the Leadership Team) has been a challenge so far and I'm only 7 months in my 2 year term (well possibly 4 year term). I've had to deal with not being afraid of judgment as I'm 22 years old and a chuch elder - quite a foreign idea to most people. It's a huge commitment! But never have I felt so accepted in such a role! That people see me as mature enough to help make decisions for the future of our Church.

I don't find my responsibilties burdensome! It's just that it affects who I am and what I do as a person. I have a lot on my plate for a 22 year - most people my age are either just finishing school or getting married. I like who I am even though sometimes I wish I could be a little more fun and easy going but I am that way sometimes it just depends on the circumstances.

I don't know if this makes much sense because explaining ones being to someone who isn't you is just a little hard. And I guess seeig yourself from someone else's perspective makes you contemplate.

from one line to another

2007-07-06T10:46:00.000-04:00

Knowledge is a powerful thing. Not that I've suddenly become powerful with some new knowledge but I've noticed some interesting things this week.

A lot of the books, bible studies, scripture I have been reading has all been matching up at all different events this week. Usually when I read different types of material they never overlap but it's been different this week.

For example I finished reading this book called "The Pawn" by Steven James (not releasing until September) and the plot has a lot to do with a modern version of the "The People's Temple" cult back in the 70's. Then today I'm reading a blog (about 2 people who are evaluating churches in Toronto) and the poster brought up how the church seemed similar to that of Jim Jones and The People's Temple. Before yesterday I had never heard about this tragic event in history! Strange but really cool.

Then at bible study we were talking about Joseph being sold off by his brothers then later on in life they come to Egypt where Joseph is in high power. Joseph forgives him and wants his father to come see him. One of the discussion questions was why did it take Joseph so long to reveal his secret about being sold? I gave the point that when the sons told their father Joseph was killed, they didn't really tell him they had just dipped his coat in blood and the father assumed he was dead. I had never heard that story put that way until earlier this week listening to a teaching I was given a while back.

To me it's super fascinating that things I've picked up lately seem to be connecting in such great ways! I feel so smart! :) Maybe that's why I like reading so much? Constantly learning new perspectives and gaining smarts about things I've never known before?

Oh and if you want a great suspense/thriller/crime novel - pick up a copy of "The Pawn". Definitely one of the best books I've read in a while! A killer of a page turner! :P

Links to check out:
The Pawn Promo Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_HlC7Kvap8
Toronto version of "Jim & Casper Go To Church": http://drewmarshall.ca/blog/
Steven James: http://stevenjames.net/index.php

on a smooth road

2007-06-14T22:46:00.000-04:00

I can't even really remember my first post about my new "journey". It's a lame-o way of saying it but really, how else to explain this road I'm on? :P

I baked tonight. It's such a good feeling - can't you just smell those hot out of the oven rhubarb muffins? Delish. I'm discovering again this week about things I enjoy doing which make me happy. My priorities aren't exactly lined up but for a little happiness? I thought it'd be smarter. I've read two books in the last week and it's only Thursday. I'm kick'n back on the balcony at night instead of running off doing something or glued to the tube or computer. I long to go to the gym (and actually feel guilty about not going) but I lack the ambition currently. (Can anyone hold me accountable? Or join me?)

It's been a great! I've listened to 1 lesson of the bible study I was given (seriously, who can find 50min a day to sit, listen, absorb and meditate so much info?). To see how much I take from this study I am currently taking notes that I'll share later on as I get thru more. The first lesson totally hit home though and was pretty much perfect timing! No place like walking in the cemetery to gain some introspect! (It's really not that morbid! It's a massive beautiful cemetery with paved roads, lots of trees. benches and great place to get away without being far from home)

I have my priorities and right now it's making myself happy - doing the things I enjoy instead of putting them off until I have time.

Seriously I sound so cheesey bally! My eloquent way with words is failing me tonite...so distracted by the delicious aroma from the kitchen....

Soul Thirsty

2007-06-06T09:32:00.000-04:00

I'm a journey right now, stuck in the valley and climbing my way out.

PM: "Michelle, I'm going to be blunt - what is your soul craving?"
Me: "Uh, um....*sigh*..that's an on the spot question...I dunno"

It took me a good five minutes but it came to me in a super clear thought - Acceptance & Love.

Last night I broke down again. I was really upset, bawling in front of my computer screen just wanting to talk to someone yet I didn't feel anyone could handle my burden I was wanting to unload. I needed someone that wasn't related to me, nor could I explain to a friend what was going on inside of. My phone rang and it changed everything. God has blessed me so much with someone who is more than just a mentor to me but a true friend who always builds me up - reaffirming who I am in Christ and how human we all are. (Pastor Mike this is a shout-out to you! If you even read this blog :P)

I'm going to try to keep a journal of my thoughts over the next while especially as I'm doing a bit of a study as provoted to me last night. God is constantly molding me to become who He wants me to be!

Time to quench my thirsty soul.

an emo's journey

2007-05-29T15:15:00.000-04:00

Gut wrenching sobs. Tears streaming down, soaking into her skin.
She cries.

Love so deep, unconditional, everlasting. More than compromising, it's a sacrifice.
She cries.

Longing to breath deep, reaching beyond just to grasp on to the edge.
She cries.

Forgiveness, acceptance and respect is all she longs for.
A place, safe and worthy to be warrant trust. To be herself, to feel a sense of belong. To be pushed, grow and mature. What must it take? How much must she give?

To hold her heart out and have it stomped on?

A rut she doesn't want, heartache she keeps feeling.
She cries.

Soft words and a gentle heart, a peace settles like leaves slowly falling from a tree.
She looks up.

Honesty, compassion and encouragement flow out. Soaking it all in.
She smiles.

heart of prayer

2007-05-04T16:07:00.000-04:00

26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers[a] in harmony with God’s own will.

Romans 8:26-27

Thanks for the reminder Jesus.

Eleventh Hour rambling

2007-05-03T23:48:00.000-04:00

I'm tired of not being respected.

I'm tired of not knowing what to say, how to act or converse.

The inside jokes? Give it up, no one gets them and you only seclude yourself.

I see your insecurities and I can't but feel annoyed.

WAKE UP!

How old are you anyways?

Has living life always been so difficult for you? Can you not see that greatness life
has to offer you?

Get up.

Buck up.

You are made for greatness, don't deny what's given to you.

I'm tired of always being the mature one... socially, mentally and spiritually.

What I could give to forget responsibilties and live like a teenager but I can't.

I've grown up, why can't you?

Is it so wrong to have expectations?

This time I had none and yet I was still disappointed.

Perfection is not what I anticipated but I couldn't even get participation.

How much is going to take?

Nothing...

because I am done.

I'm going through some really weird times right now. Tonight especially I feel out of sorts and this rant came out of me. Not really applied to person(s) in specific but a bunch of events mashed together and now together in random blurts of annoyance.

monday morning devos @ work

2007-04-23T10:40:00.000-04:00

I've realized lately that I need to take some time each day before starting work to read some scripture. Lately there's been a lot going on in my life and those around me. I'm struggling with some things as well and I've having a hard time concentrating at work during some points in the day.

So day, I prayed and asked God to reveal a passage in the bible for me to read and this is what popped into my head immediately - Psalm 28. This verse stuck out at me:

6 Praise the Lord! For he has heard my cry for mercy.

7 The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

and Matthew 5: 14-16

14 “You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden.

15 No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.

16 In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.

a new creation

2007-04-18T10:00:00.000-04:00

"It is He who is described as both unchanging and as an all-consuming fire.
Upon encountering God, I cannot expect to stay the same. Of course He will
change me. He makes me new, new like the morning sun, new like the whitest
snow."

(credit: relevantmag.com)

feather or downed pillow?

2007-04-03T22:19:00.000-04:00

Me:"..yah, it's been a busy week because...blah, blah, blah"
Person 1:"oh man, that's lots of change"
Me: "uh huh"

Why did I feel like no one cared about the craziness of my life in the past weeks?
"Because you are a selfish little brat just looking for attention."

Here I sat at my leadership meeting during prayer just thinking about all the things going on in MY life. I was here to pray about and come together to build God's/our church!

"I know no other master, I give myself to you..."

*Sigh* I'm sorry Father. Help me focus tonite.

Yet after the battle in my mind and a great meeting I still had to open my big yap and spill what's on my mind to the closest person.

WHY?

I don't need affirmation or to "brag" about how "busy" I am. Why do I need sympathy from those around me?

"Because people always come to you with their problems so why not get something in return? You're always there for everyone else, for once they can be there for you! You are always the strong one. The rock. The shoulder to cry on. The stable one. They can't handle you being personal and needy"

Would somebody please flick the internal battle out of my head? Ack. Why do I have to be so self fixing? (for a lack of a better term). Always digging for the root of the problem and coming up with a solution. I'm constantly searching myself for fleshy patterns and sometimes discovering them aren't so pleasant.

As I stepped out of my zippy little car after my short drive home it hit me. I'm being selfish. I want empathy from people yet what's going on in my life is not that big of deal in retrospect. Yes, lots of change and some challenges ahead but that's what builds character and creates excitment in life. I need to get over myself. I could try convincing myself otherwise but I can't.

It's true I am always the "pillow", never the head on the pillow. But maybe that's the way God wired me? To be the counsellor, not the person seeking counsel. Maybe that's why I'll never be skinny either - i gotta have enough squishy-ness on me so people can enjoy a good hug :P

So from here on out things ARE going to be interesting around here but that's life!

I'll just keep on truck'n and rememebering who IS always in control.

miracle grow, not just for plants

2007-03-08T09:50:00.000-05:00

A couple nights ago I attended my first ever church meeting as an Elder. What a great meeting! It had to be one of the only meetings I've gone to where I didn't get the urge to roll my eyes back and daydream :P I'm a little anxious with all the new responsibilities and things I must learn as an Elder (and also newly appointed Secretary of the Leadership Team) but at the same time I'm looking forward to absorbing new information and growing.

Speaking of growing - I was really encouraged at the meeting when one of the other Elders interjected for a moment to comment about how much I've changed since him and his wife met me. He was amazed at how much I've changed in the past two years. How do you respond to that? A humble 'thank you'?

Over the last while I've trying accept that I have changed. I know that sounds odd but a couple years ago I had no hope for myself - no aspirations, dreams or goals. I was stuck. Now, not so much. There has not been a pivotal moment where things suddenly changed but a ton of small events. Such as: attending Hope, living with 4 random people for a summer, building new relationships, job promotion (being encouraged which has given me confidence), overcoming fears, personal training at the gym, buying a car and just stepping out of my comfort zone. The hidden confident me is finally peeking out of it's shell.

I have a lot of people and things to be thankful for because I wouldn't be where I am without them/it. And I hope never do forget how far I've become as a person - spiritual and personalitywise.

There are many things I have yet to conquer, things to try and some fears to be eradicated but for now I'm happy with who I am becoming!

I leave you with lyrics from a fav band I was listening to on the way to work:

"Though everything’s the same inside
There’s something real
A faith which causes me to change
(But what’s different now)
A spark is gleaming in my eye
Like diamond stars that fill the sky
I think a smile says it all
A smile says it all "
(Smile - Kutless)

in the valley

2007-03-01T22:09:00.000-05:00

I've been in a very pecular mood this week and it's annoying the heck out of me. Long gone is the happiness I had a week ago...the contentment with blessings has so quickly disappeared. Maybe my mind is mad at me for letting it leave the warm tropics of florida? And I'm so tired! Workouts used to perk me up at night but lately I'd rather nap than workout. I have no motivation to do anything at night - even talk to friends! Crawling into a hole and sleeping for the rest of the week has great appeal to me right now.

I had a discussion with a lady at church about blessings. Well more and less that when we are blessed we are afraid to be too happy 'cause heaven forbid something bad happen. And lately with my recent trip to Florida, buying a car and my semi-recent job promotion I wasn't allowing myself to get excited about it all because I knew it wouldn't last. How sad! What joy I should be celebrating! Blessings are a gift, I can't throw it back.

I hope this is only a phase I'm going thru and it is over soon - I want my spark for life back.

35:90

2007-02-07T13:28:00.000-05:00

I wish I would have blogged about this in the heat of the moment...my rant would be just a little more intense.

This past Sunday I was voted into the church leadership team - I am now an Elder. That's right. Feel free to laugh, scroff or give me a congradulations b/c that's the type of responses I am getting. When I was first nominated my reaction was "uh, no. only old married men do that" but then I got thinking about it. I think it's pretty darn cool that I have this opportunity and that there are people wanting to have someone with a "young and fresh" perspective on board. It was kinda neat 'cause after the congregation meeting one lady (Emily) came up to me and gave me a giant huge - "I'm partly responsible for bringing you here!". It's true I met Emily at a lady's fitness centre and after sometime I asked where she went to church and so she took me along. And I never stopped going to Hope Fellowship. I'm not sure what all my responsibilties will be now....having coffee with the pastor this week to chat it up and take a look at how my focus for volunteering at church will change. Farewell Praise Team?

Which brings me to the more rant of my blog...

Church membership. I was reading thru the church's annual report and was appauled by the lack of people listed as members. Only 35 members out an amount of 90 regular attendees. Why aren't ppl becoming members? What's so difficult about it?? My friend Darryl has been attending Hope for over 4 yrs so I asked him w hy aren't u a member? "I trust the church members will vote well without me, i trust them". Okay. Lame. Church membership is just to show that you are saying that you will be with the church for an unknown amount of time and you like the church...even maybe that you want to show commitment and are willing to invest time/effort/money into seeing it grow. That's not too hard is it?? Seriously. And what is required of u to become a member? Be there for at least 6 months consistantly and attend a 2.5hr class about the foundations of the church and what the church believes in. Oh and on one Sunday you have to stand at the front of the church for a few moments while the Pastor prays over you and let's the congregation know that you are now "offically" a member.

So what's the flipp'n deal?? I understand that it semi-constitutes commitment. OH! There's the problem right there. Heaven forbid anyone commits to anything anymore. GOSH. I really don't know what's wrong with most ppl my age (and even friends of mine in their late 20's) who can't seem to be mature enough and commit theirselves to something. Church membership isn't that big o deal. Just a name on a list.

Or maybe that's the problem, it's not a big enough deal.

an opportune moment

2007-01-29T15:05:00.000-05:00

Why is it that sometimes we want something we cannot have? Like there is a moment you could seize the 'want' yet in the back of your mind you know it's not something you are allowed to have without consequences. In a blink of an eye you make that decision... sometimes regretfully and sometimes thankfully.

what does church make you think of?

2007-01-07T22:55:00.000-05:00

community, building, pastor, food, work, coffee, Jesus, worship, rules...

my answer: politics

my more "real" answers: rejection, unacceptance, cliques, feeling alone

This morning the sermon was about the church. What does it mean to us? The top line above was random answers by the congregation, second line was my contribution and the third line is self explainatory. During his whole sermon I just kept thinking about how much I know I'll never fit into the group of YA at my church. I'm not going to conform to their level. They claim to accept me for who I am yet I am not myself around them. Conversations are always so surface level and usually involving some crude comment, drinking of beer, bad jokes, loads amount of inside jokes between a select few... I SO long for community with people my age yet I can't seem to find it. Yes I have a group of friends but which are scattered across Ontario. Why is this so hard? I quit planning YA events at my church because I am so sick of the noncommitment from others, I'm tired of having expectations and being disappointed. How hard is it to be real? To care? I need to find a place/group where I can thrive and grow, have people to be accountable to, to be stretched, want to belong. Why did I take on the role of YA co-ordinator? Honestly.

I love my church but I don't love the lack of what I am searching for.

contemplative perhaps?

2006-10-24T20:12:00.000-04:00

1. Life = risk
2. If you have not failed, you have not lived

Just two points from a sermon that hit me like a 2 by 4 to the back of my head.

I've always been a low risk person - I don't like getting out of my comfort zone, I have a hard time doing something I've never done before, etc. Risk to me is letting myself be vulnerable and setting myself up for failure. Which brings me to the second point - failure.

I despite messing things up, or failing to do something correctly or at all - it really bothers me because I should have done better and it's unacceptable in my books. I've worked hard in my life to stay "fail" free and when I do fail, I kick myself. Why? Hearing Pastor Mike utter "if you have not failed, you have not lived" hit me hard. I've been trying so hard to always be in control of my actions and I shouldn't be! No one is perfect, how did I expect myself to never mess up? Failing is human nature I just need to accept it.

Thinking about risk has me thinking me about my current life. Have I settled too much?
Currently I am living with 2 of my sisters, working full-time for the past 2 years, volunteering in church as young adults co-ordinator and praise team vocalist. I have a bunch of friends in town/church I hang out with often, friends back home I visit when I can, friends who come visit me from time to time. I have a great job and my coworkers are like family to me. There are ladies at church who have become like grandmothers to me. I go to the gym 3 times a week plus personal training, I watch my favourite tv shows when I can. Is that my life will be about? Will it always be so routine? Have I failed to take risks? Am I afraid to take risks in the future? Or will I be content with living my life just the way I am now? I know God is in control of my life but sometimes I wonder if I miss His leading because I'm scared that if I let go I'll end up doing something I'm not comfortable doing.

"..promise to do something extreme. Something that challenges your life, gets you out of your rut.." (quote from "What a Girl Wants" - Kristin Billerbeck)

I'm so young still, I should be living on the edge more before I become too settled or older. There's a guy at the bbq I was at on the weekend that is going through this right now. He has an opportunity to go across the country to work but is torn b/c he feels that maybe at the age of 26 he should be settling down and getting a real job. My few points to him was that "real" work is slightly over rated and he should do what he enjoys instead of doing what society is telling him (or parental/family pressure). I didn't tell him but I'm almost envious of his freedom.

I'm learning, learning to let go and trust God with my worries/concerns and sometimes heavy heart. Knowing that Christ livesin me gives me hope that I have a purpose in life regardless if I see it or not.

Happiness is yelling Bingo!

2006-09-15T14:23:00.000-04:00

"S/he deserves to be happy"

How does a person deserve to be happy? Must you work extremely hard for something and this is your reward? If so does this not allow lazy people to be happy? Happiness is not something you achieve but something you allow yourself to feel.

This statment was also said in reference to someone who has a new SigOther. Hmm. So the only thing that can bring "achieved" happiness is having a SigOther...rrriiiight. And marriage is the greatest acheivement that people can attain? Uh huh. This means I should be unhappy all the time because there is nothing else in this world that could bring me more happiness than a b/f.

Get real.

Jesus Camp

2006-08-30T11:06:00.000-04:00

This trailer left me speechless.

Jesus Camp

Any comments?

Tub-o

2006-08-29T09:20:00.000-04:00

This is the first time I've read such an honest article about a person being overweight and how they feel about it.

"People who haven’t been overweight can’t understand the self-consciousness of people who are. I thought continually about how bad I looked. I hated mirrors. I hated shopping for clothes. And when I was around people, all I could think about was how they perceived my looks."

"It took months before I saw any change, but soon some of my friends were noticing. You have no idea what it feels like to have someone notice that you’ve lost weight and tell you. To a person who has been overweight their entire life it’s like having a burden lifted (literally and metaphorically)."

Since I am now getting serious about my health and getting fit - this article is very timely!

To read the whole article click here.

Twinkle, twinkle

2006-08-08T14:12:00.000-04:00

"The sheer magnitude of the stars, the way the sky didn't look flat at
all but truly spherical, the absence of the moon. The longer we were still, the
more the night came alive. No man could have made such a thing come into
being—no busyness or handiwork or words or wishes. But with just a few simple
words, the God of all creation spoke this beauty into being. And yet He is still
mindful of me, an impossibly small speck on the face of a sphere that bides it
time spinning in circles. And even more, He is jealously in love with me,
sacrificing all just to reach me. And I am left asking myself how I could ever
be lax in my pursuit of or response to Him.
Sometimes the stillness is what is needed to capture our attention; and
that is truly the way I believe it is intended to be."

This weekend I've spent sometime just sitting on the balcony watching the sky. The moon was really bright, the sky with some hazy clouds and a few stars twinkling in the sky...there is absolutely nothing more amazing than God's creation. Whether it be a full moon, a setting sun or a rainbow, God's handiwork never ceases to astound and remind me how powerful He is and will forever be.

Reading the above paragraph was a nice reminder to keep taking the moments and remembering how much God loves us.

Quotes of the Evening

2006-07-25T23:29:00.000-04:00

"I don't believe that God chose you and blessed you so that you could heap those blessings upon yourself. I believe God chose you because He wants to make a difference in this world. And you know what? What I think is scary about God is He didn't come up with any 'plan B.' That He left the church here, and the church is the only group of people and the church is the only institution in the world that can bring about a change." - Rich Mullins

---
"This is my desire. This is my desire, to be more like you. Want to be real, want to be emptied inside.... and I know my life is to do your will." Jeremy Camp song lyrics

Dreamboat

2006-05-24T09:29:00.000-04:00

Fantastic article this morning on Relevantmagazine.com. I think is maybe some what of a "God"incidence as my little sis and I were just talking about this last night - dreaming.

I’m starting to think the secret of contentment is not learning how to
“escape” from life but to enjoy it for what it is—not sorting out the conditions
just so, finding someway to stop the boat’s rocking, but learning to keep your
balance no matter how smooth or rough the seas. The trouble with the old me was that I hoped a boyfriend and marriage would save me from boredom and the
travails of a normal life. And since I secretly feared it might let me down in
that, I made sure to like men more wrong than right for me. Having my dream of
the perfect escape was preferable to having that dream come true and still be
stuck here in a life most banal.

What is it you think you need in life? What do you hope it will save
you from? Perhaps we fear our dreams’ fulfillment more than this longing
interminable because we sense the problem is not in our circumstances, but
restlessness.

Dreaming in the sense of what we want out of life - setting goals that look well beyond our reach but tickle our hearts desire. My little sis had an amazing God-filled weekend which has brought her to a place of understanding and passion for stepping out and dreaming BIG. She doesn't want to settle for mediocure or lukewarm but strive for the highest and see where it takes her. At 17 years old this is very admireable!

I never had that kind of thinking at her age - maybe because our parents weren't very encouraging that way, or knowing our family lifestyle and how financially unstable our childhood was. BUT at the same time I never expected much of myself at all. I think being tested in gr.6 for my "learning curve" (I always said they tested to see how dumb I was) has always stuck in the back of my mind, even with doing well in college I never gave myself very high goals. I reached my goals almost 2 years ago. College grad. Job. Been there, got that and the student loans that come with it.

So here I am again, contemplating my life and what I really want it. Am I happy with working for the next 40 some years? Is this my passion? Am I settling for what's comfortable yet not what I could be doing? I can't have more student loans and I probably won't qualify for any more loans, I can't handle having the student life again, I'm not smart enough for university. Do I actually have an inkling for a different career? Or I am just bored and restless?

I'm only 21, I shouldn't be hitting the quarterlife crisis yet...

Love is not against the law

2006-05-21T23:15:00.000-04:00

Love is another topic that I've wrote about numerous times and is near and dear to my heart. To me love is the world and keeps the world together - without love we are nothing. Again this guy has a huge understanding of Christ's love for us that so many people forget or just plain ignore.

God loves us with this enormous, unimaginable love. Unconditional, something we can scarcely comprehend as we live and breathe on earth. God loves us no matter what we do, always the same, unchanging.

Blogs are great....so much to learn from other people.

Note: This guy has the same line of thinking as do I in regards to the Da Vinci code

Spring Soul

2006-05-15T20:57:00.000-04:00

My heart is heavy. my eyes welling up with tears and a sigh escapes my lips.
Oh Father, wrap your arms around me.
My heart is bursting with love yet I don't know where it should go.

Take my hand, lift me up and toss me into the wind.
Twirling towards the sun watching as the world spins around.
Sunlight filtering into my caccoon of brilliance.

My hands reach for the sky and a warmth surrounds me.
A smile covers my face and I giggle.

The 3:16 Factor

2006-05-12T10:01:00.000-04:00

(I stole this from a blog I read - Typelings.)

I have been noticing lately how many powerful thoughts in New Testament scripture are placed at a 3:16 reference. Take a moment and read them in sequence...

Matthew
Luke
John
Acts
1 Corinthians
2 Corinthians
Galatians
Ephesians
Colossians
1 Timothy
2 Timothy
James
1 John
Revelation

Very interesting!

A Greiving Wednesday

2006-05-10T10:30:00.000-04:00

Today I'm irritable and tired (you'd think that 6.5hrs of sleep is sufficent). I ordered my latte in in intelligable words. I jump on the defensive side as soon as I'm accused of being late. Then as I'm washing my hands in the washroom - I feel an overwhelming sense of grief.

Grief for what? Come June it will be a year since Aunt Elisabeth died. October will mark the second year Aunt Rita left this world so why the grief?

Or is this a response to a big discussion my sis and I had last night? Am I griefing the fact that life is passing by faster than I'd like it to?

Is it work? Am I grieving the amount of work have to get done in the next couple of weeks, the frustration I'm having with how confusing this cycle is...

Grief is a mystery to me and finding the root of it is just as complex.

Doc. vs. Drama

2006-04-28T16:07:00.000-04:00

Flight 93 the Movie. I do not have a problem with this movie being on the big screen but with saying this I haven't actually seen the movie. My reasoning is this: there has been other movies (documentary or drama, doesn't matter the premise is still the same) that protray tragic events and secondly, sometimes movies like this need to be made as to remind people.

But what do I know? This event in history is not something I experienced personally so I really don't have the right to say much. :P

In my head, in my head

2006-04-18T07:30:00.000-04:00

Right now I've got a certain song stuck in my head for some unknown reason and here it is:

"The sun cannot compare to the glory of your love;
there is no shadow in your presense;
No mortal man would dare to stand before your throne,
before the Holy One of heaven;
It's only by your blood,
and only through your mercy,
Lord I come.

I bring an offering of worship to my King,
No one on earth deserves the praises that I sing;
Jesus may you receive the honor that you're due;
Oh Lord I bring an offering to you."

It took me a while to figure out exactly what song kept playing like a broken record in my head...but with my stealthful internet skills I hunted the lyrics down. This song is actually for the Christmas season - the song title is - Christmas Offering (Paul Baloche) . But I have to disagree. I think it also reflects well with Easter as well.

Worship songs, beautiful voices and instruments always bring me back to a place of peace and a deep sense of love. Like last night while I was reading Through Painted Deserts (Donald Miller) - at one point I stopped reading and just let the music soak in and I began to pray. It amazes me how powerful music can be to a persons being/soul...."Lord I come to you, let my heart be changed, renewed, flowing from the grace I've found in you."

A Moment

2006-04-06T10:45:00.000-04:00

So quickly we lose remembrance for a life change. Hearing of a man so young having a heart transplant and how close he really could be to death - that made us pause and reflect upon how short life really is.

Yet within weeks we forget of our moment of reflection. No longer passionate for living a better life or taking more risks.

Today there is news that his heart is showing signs of rejection.

Pause.

Roots (Cont'd)

2006-03-25T22:47:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine has recently entered the realm of online dating - this has sparked some many threads of discussion revolving on singleness and the impact on our lives.

This brings me to my point about building roots. According to my friend is that there is no point in developing friendships with people right now because if I so happen to get married and have to move away, all those friendships will be wasted.

WHOA! Wait a minute here. I am supposed to wait until I am married to bother having a life and making life-long friends? I'm a little thrown off here. It's taken me almost 2 years to even know people well enough around here to even call them friends and i'm supposed to wait!! Honestly if my life goal is marriage - I am sadly mistaken, I'm sorry.

This is where my faith comes into play on many aspects.

1) Online Dating - right now I am so not into this. What ever happened to meeting people in real life? Are people so afraid of rejection that they can only handle it virtually? I think meeting people online is somewhat of a cop-out. At this point in my life I have my whole life ahead of me to meet people, I'm still young

2) Purpose in Life - I believe that I have a bigger purpose in life then just getting married. God's got a plan for me and though I do not know what it is, my main goal is to live for Him and if marriage is part of it - great! Otherwise, I'm gonna do His will, what ever it is. And this by no means is a cop-out religious line, it's what I believe.

3) Building Roots - I cannot imagine my life right now without friends. Seriously. I went crazy the first couple months I moved in with my sister and had no friends nearby. Now I can happily say that I have made friends (young and old), made connections and actually have a social life once in a while. I'm heavily involved in my church now - and even more now with planning a young adult event. I need to have community with other people otherwise I'd never change or grow or be challenged.

4) Meeting People - Church is definitely a good place to build some community and also living with 4 random roommates for the summer :P

One other thing that has me irked - hearing that some people label singlehood as a gift. HUH? I saw a book at work the other day that was based soley upon this fact. How can being single be defined as a gift? Not being married is just part of life, everyone is at some point and some people stay that way. If being single is a gift, what is marriage? Is being single a huge marathon and marriage the grand prize? Why must everything be given a title or label?

It's very interesting to get people's perspectives on the above - it definitely causes a lot of talk and varied opinions.

This blog topic is far from over - my mind is brewing many thoughts and ideas...i will be back! (Comments are always welcome!)

Doubt

2006-03-15T21:58:00.000-05:00

To think back when I first started living in Uptown - things have changed so much. I've found a church family, I have friends, and have also made a few new Grandma's! Lately I've just felt so good! about how my life is right now in the social/getting roots aspect.

I doubted. I doubted that God would love me enough to let these things happen to me. I thought that I have moved to Kitchener for the wrong reasons and it was wrong, I longed to be back in london in my comfort zone where I had friends.

The small group I just finished tonight has once again opened my eyes to how simple my relationship with Christ is to be. Christ lives in me and through me, how can I go go wrong? How could I have doubted Him so much?!? He had a plan for me - to bring me to brokeness so I could really understand what it meant to have faith. Thank you Jesus for what you have done and what you are teaching me each and every day.

A Title

2006-03-10T23:03:00.001-05:00

How can I call myself a Christian? I can't even explain myself to a friend what it means to have faith and why I believe that God has control over my life. I'm such a hypocrite. How do I have a right to claim the Christian "title" if I can't even get into a discussion explaining my belief. Gah! How do I get myself into these discussions?

Face in the Crowd

2006-02-23T14:15:00.000-05:00

Have you ever looked at picture and felt like you don't belong or never belonged? This afternoon I was persuing a website with a bunch of pictures from a group I used to hang out with/attend events. Looking now it just hit me again - I never fit into this group of people! I was never myself and I was constantly not being myself because of others around me.

I have such a judgemental attitude towards that group of people - which is horrible! But I guess my reasoning is that I've grown up, I've discovered God in a whole new way that made me realize that I wasn't living a victorious life with Christ and I know a lot of them haven't truly found Him (not that I'm judging their character just that I grew up in the same way, with the same knowlege of faith and I know now how much I was missing). It's so hard! I want to love every single one of these young adults and know that I was generally accepted when I did attend events (who am I kidding? I hardly ever had a good time, no one liked me very much). It's so odd looking back and trying to remember why I did the things I did and why I didn't stick up for myself more often.

I guess I'm also dealing with the fact the YA is no longer part of my life - I am no longer a CRC member. Kind of weird thinking about - closing a chapter in my life and seeing how much things have changed.

Church Politics

2006-02-14T10:39:00.000-05:00

Read an excellent article on Relevant this morning on church politics...

"Next, and perhaps most important, we need to realize that we are all transformed in and through Christ. Leadership is not about “lording over people” but coming under Christ for His glory. We need to live beyond our humanity. Our churches need to embrace life-transformation over structural details. The truth is the church exists for Christ’s glory—not for man’s. "

This quote definitely reflects my church in that the minister is all about giving glory to God and none of the light shining on him just because he's a pastor. What an selfless act for a pastor unlike most who want to take credit for their "flock" and boast about increased membership numbers.

I like my little church and am happy to be an "offical" member! :)

Life as we know it

2006-02-10T12:46:00.000-05:00

"As Blaise Pascal said, “We never keep to the present. We … anticipate the
future as if we found it too slow in coming and were trying to hurry it up, or
we recall the past as if to stay its too rapid flight. We are so unwise that we
wander about in times that do not belong to us and do not think of the only one
that does; so vain that we dream of times that are not and blindly flee the only
one that is … [We] think of how we are going to arrange things over which we
have no control for a time we can never be sure of reaching … Thus we never
actually live, but hope to live, and since we are always planning how to be
happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so.”

Found this great quote in an excellent article on Relevant.

More thoughts to come...

Quotable Quotes

2006-01-24T15:05:00.000-05:00

Thought provoking Quotes from Lee Warren.....

"I wonder if we have bled too much in front the next generation. Shouting matches with our spouses, too much information about financial or personal struggles, and too much yearning for the good ol' days. I’m not advocating a return to the days when parents were so emotionally distant from their children that their kids never really knew them. But maybe we've gone too far the other way. We bleed so much in front of the next generation that we force them to deal with things they shouldn't need to. "

~ ~

In a culture that screams for our attention at every turn—from internet pop-up and banner ads, to television and radio commercials, to cell phones with built in instant messaging—we seem to be afraid of silence or at the very least, we want to avoid it. But I think we are missing an opportunity to grow closer to people by simply remaining silent sometimes.

Farwell CRC...part II

2006-01-13T22:54:00.000-05:00

"Approved membership lapse of Michelle DeWit as she is joining Hope Fellowship Church in Waterloo."
(Church bulletin, Jan. 15, 2006 pg. 4)

I am happy to see that I am no longer part of my parent's church. Then again I've never really been a member of the church. Confused yet? Let me explain...

Technically to become a member of that church (and denomination) you must complete a profession of faith before the church. This enabled you to partake in communion and get the title of "member". The strange thing is - I never did any of the above and infant baptism does not make you a member either. So, in essense, this lapsing of membership is pointless since I was never a member in the first place. Yet my current so called "membership" status had to be approved by the church council to become lapsed (or in early bulletins, "deleted"). I find it so interesting that the way my parent's church handles membership changes. Who cares what denomination people switch to! You should rejoice that the person/people are still going to church! I should the announcement to my current pastor - he'd definitely get a good laugh out of this!

Thinking back to my childhood in that church - I honestly cannot come up with any good moments. I was an outcast, picked on, made fun of and never recognized for my contributions. In the Girls Club I got the most badges and on the awards night the head leader conveniently forgot them at home. Nice eh? Or the time the same leader basically called me fat. Or being told that nobody liked me because they thought I was a loser. Even so with my parents, the only time my mom was ever included in anything was VBS - because she directed it! That was the only time my family was accepted. Even now I wonder why my parents still attend that church. They do have some good friends and people to talk to but I think they could find more genuine and caring people.

The best part of my parents church was the library - it's were I got hooked on books and how I made one friend from all the others my age. We used to fight over books! Trade them and buy each other books as presents. Books are great.

I cannot find many positive parts about my upbring in that church BUT without everything I went through and all the things I learned not to do - it has put me where I am now. Without such events I wouldn't know that there is so much more the my relationship with Christ then just on Sundays, that there is more to life than constantly being busy and doing work we think is making us pleasing in God's eyes. I am grateful that I had a church to grow up and that I had support from family and friends and I still do love the odd hymn now and again.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my parents church nor the Christian Reformed Denomination, I just realized there was nothing there for me and I wasn't growing or being challenged. Some people enjoy such a rigid structure and find God in the quietness. It's just not for me - I need more than that.

Here's to a new beginning of becoming a member of Hope Fellowship!

Tithing

2005-12-14T14:16:00.000-05:00

Tithing - a part of the church and our lives that seems to be up for debate quite often. What exactly is it? According to dictionary.com - "A tenth part of one's annual income contributed voluntarily or due as a tax, especially for the support of the clergy or church."

I underlined support - this is huge! Regardless that churches are an non-profitable organization - there is still a need to keep the church up and running, help those struggling financially in the church, pastors need to be paid, the needy in the community and world wide need aid. There are missionaries to support, mission trips to spread the gospel, children to teach, etc.

I overheard a convo today that suggested that when you tith - you can expect God to bless you 10times as much. This is something I have a hard time agreeing to or even believing. Tithing is something that should be natural to you not so much expected. We were made to be generous people but our flesh tells us different. I'm not saying that I always tith the "recommended" 10%, because just frankly sometimes I just don't have the money or I forget. But it feels good to give your money back to where it belongs.

Think about it - you wouldn't be where you are without God. He has blessed us with so many things that it only makes sense to give back. With money...but also with other things. That's another thing people forget. The church needs more than just your weekly givings, they also need your help. Whether that be volunteering to teach, help with setup, making the after service coffee, it doesn't matter! A church is like an organization - it needs people to keep it running. When I decided to teach sunday school - I never gave it a second thought besides an immediate yes. There was no way that I'd be selfish enough to say no. And a bonus is that I enjoy teaching kids and doing crafts although that is beyond my point.

And my point being that as a regular attender of a church (any) you should be contributing in multiple ways if possible. I guess this means more to me because I attend a small church in need of finances to stay running and to help families within the congregation.

I also keep in frame of mind that I'm in general better off then some others so why not give where I can? It just makes sense to give back to the One who gave you what you do have.

The Church

2005-11-29T11:04:00.000-05:00

"The church has forgotten what it means to equip the Christian mind. It is
more concerned with putting on productions than putting out disciples. The end
result is a bunch of whiney adults who don’t like the way the power-point
presentation looked last week, or complain that the coffee bar needs to have
more flavors to choose from. We have successfully dumbed down the Word of God.
Intimacy with the Almighty is not something we strive for anymore. We scream
“Relevance!” and sacrifice the minds Christ has given us.
With mega-churches growing like Jack’s beanstalk, the new American mind-set
of evangelism is, “Get’em into the church building, put on a good show, don’t
offend them, give them some Starbucks, and BAM! They’ll get saved.” After all,
we must be “all things to all men.” But what happens when we become everything
to the world? Christians become everything and nothing."

Relevant Magazine

My sister and I were discussing this thought last night..oddly enough. It seems that with our upbring in such a conservative church has restricted us with lack of knowledge. Follow me here with this for a moment. In Sunday School we were taught bible stories and Categism we were taught doctrines and teachings that are based very strongly on the bible. BUT we never really got to know the Bible in all honesty. So we memorized scripture and knew the basic stories; there was never really any in-depth studying - realizing who God really is.

You could say there was some onus on our part but at the same time - we didn't know any better. Without being exposed to new experiences we would have never realized how much we are sorely lacking knowing our Lord Jesus Christ. My church opened that possibility for me with a bible study that opened my eyes to the majesty and love of God. Not only does He Love you, but He LIKES you.

Now back to the quote from above. Interestingly enough the church I attend now is the opposite of the "corporate church". The Pastor is not worried about growing in numbers - he's more interested in the peoples of the church - staying connected. It's a small congregation with a huge heart and a good community - no one is left to fall between the cracks. Sermons aren't sugar coated and always give you warm fuzzies - he's challenging, down-to-earth and honest. If him and/or the church is struggling - he is truthful and will let the congregation know. I like my little church - I'm allowed to be involved and I am accepted for who I am regardless of my upbring in a different denomination.

In some circumstances I don't see a problem with the church being a bit mainstream. In this day in age everything revolves around technology and communication and naturally the church needs to evolve otherwise it will become stagnet and people become disinterested. Not saying this is a way to save ppl - with flashy videos and powerpoints - but without embracing some bits of mainstream, things become so traditional. I will use my parents church as an example - that church is soooo far behind the times and what is happening to the young ppl? They are leaving the church, being rebellious (which links to other issues which I'm not exploring now) - not being exposed to new experience and a true relationship with Christ.

Not all churches are the same and I think churches need to stay unique - if the church is meant to attract certain ppl - it will. Why push to be THE church? If it's Christ's church, things will happen in the way God wants it to!

Ponder this Quote

2005-11-01T14:25:00.000-05:00

"You don't pray so you can change things in the world. It's not magic. You might ask, and you might hope for change, but ultimately changing things cannot be your motivation" Real Live Preacher

What a great quote! Definitely worth remembering (and well for me, jotting it down for future reference)

Comments?

Thoughts on a rainy nite

2005-10-23T00:01:00.000-04:00

I went to the movies tonite and watched a chic flick (which will remain nameless since I wasn't impressed with the movie itself) but..

I had some thoughts...

Why does it take a tragic event for individuals to realize that they aren't living? Or enjoying life, laughing, dancing...? Is this how God gets our attention? Does it always have to be that extreme? Why do ppl live under false pretenses that life is only about success and rewards?
What about us fellow christians - are we living life the way God would want us to? Are we living it to the fullest and enjoying everything God has graciously provided for us?

Comments?

We interrupt this program with..

2005-10-12T10:37:00.000-04:00

a new idea!

Name 3-5books that has impacted your life and why (general description of what you thought about the book).

Just put your list in the comment section and I'll copy 'n paste it into the body of this text.

Loyal Reader

2005-10-11T21:49:00.000-04:00

So as you can see, I've done some revamping on this site tonite. In the next couple of days I am doing some other changes as well. Even (maybe) the way we are doing this. I'm not getting much out of this nor find it exciting at all so I have a plan! Mwaaahaahaa! :)

Stay Tuned!

Isaiah 4-5

2005-10-05T19:47:00.000-04:00

It's a long one!

Isaiah 4

1 In that day few men will be left alive. Seven women will fight over each of them and say, "Let us all marry you! We will provide our own food and clothing. Only let us be called by your name so we won't be mocked as old maids."

A Promise of Restoration 2But in the future, Israel--the branch of the LORD--will be lush and beautiful, and the fruit of the land will be the pride of its people. 3All those whose names are written down, who have survived the destruction of Jerusalem, will be a holy people. 4The Lord will wash the moral filth from the women of Jerusalem.[a] He will cleanse Jerusalem of its bloodstains by a spirit of judgment that burns like fire. 5Then the LORD will provide shade for Jerusalem[b] and all who assemble there. There will be a canopy of smoke and cloud throughout the day and clouds of fire at night, covering the glorious land. 6It will be a shelter from daytime heat and a hiding place from storms and rain.

Isaiah 5
A Song about the LORDs Vineyard 1Now I will sing a song for the one I love about his vineyard:
My beloved has a vineyard on a rich and fertile hill.
2 He plowed the land, cleared its stones, and planted it with choice vines. In the middle he built a watchtower and carved a winepress in the nearby rocks. Then he waited for a harvest of sweet grapes, but the grapes that grew were wild and sour.
3 "Now, you people of Jerusalem and Judah, you have heard the case; you be the judges.
4 What more could I have done to cultivate a rich harvest? Why did my vineyard give me wild grapes when I expected sweet ones?
5 Now this is what I am going to do to my vineyard: I will tear down its fences and let it be destroyed. I will break down its walls and let the animals trample it.
6 I will make it a wild place. I will not prune the vines or hoe the ground. I will let it be overgrown with briers and thorns. I will command the clouds to drop no more rain on it."
7 This is the story of the LORD's people. They are the vineyard of the LORD Almighty. Israel and Judah are his pleasant garden. He expected them to yield a crop of justice, but instead he found bloodshed. He expected to find righteousness, but instead he heard cries of oppression.
Judahs Guilt and Judgment 8Destruction is certain for you who buy up property so others have no place to live. Your homes are built on great estates so you can be alone in the land. 9But the LORD Almighty has sealed your awful fate. With my own ears I heard him say, "Many beautiful homes will stand deserted, the owners dead or gone. 10Ten acres[a] of vineyard will not produce even six gallons[b] of wine. Ten measures of seed will yield only one measure[c] of grain."
11Destruction is certain for you who get up early to begin long drinking bouts that last late into the night. 12You furnish lovely music and wine at your grand parties; the harps, lyres, tambourines, and flutes are superb! But you never think about the LORD or notice what he is doing. 13So I will send my people into exile far away because they do not know me. The great and honored among them will starve, and the common people will die of thirst.
14The grave[d] is licking its chops in anticipation of Jerusalem, this delicious morsel. Her great and lowly will be swallowed up, with all her drunken crowds. 15In that day the arrogant will be brought down to the dust; the proud will be humbled. 16But the LORD Almighty is exalted by his justice. The holiness of God is displayed by his righteousness. 17In those days flocks will feed among the ruins; lambs and kids[e] will pasture there.
18Destruction is certain for those who drag their sins behind them, tied with cords of falsehood. 19They even mock the Holy One of Israel and say, "Hurry up and do something! Quick, show us what you can do. We want to see what you have planned."
20Destruction is certain for those who say that evil is good and good is evil; that dark is light and light is dark; that bitter is sweet and sweet is bitter.
21Destruction is certain for those who think they are wise and consider themselves to be clever.
22Destruction is certain for those who are heroes when it comes to drinking, who boast about all the liquor they can hold. 23They take bribes to pervert justice. They let the wicked go free while punishing the innocent.
24Therefore, they will all disappear like burning straw. Their roots will rot and their flowers wither, for they have rejected the law of the LORD Almighty. They have despised the word of the Holy One of Israel. 25That is why the anger of the LORD burns against his people. That is why he has raised his fist to crush them. The hills tremble, and the rotting bodies of his people are thrown as garbage into the streets. But even then the LORD's anger will not be satisfied. His fist is still poised to strike!
26He will send a signal to the nations far away. He will whistle to those at the ends of the earth, and they will come racing toward Jerusalem. 27They will not get tired or stumble. They will run without stopping for rest or sleep. Not a belt will be loose, not a sandal thong broken. 28Their arrows will be sharp and their bows ready for battle. Sparks will fly from their horses' hooves as the wheels of their chariots spin like the wind. 29Roaring like lions, they will pounce on their prey. They will seize my people and carry them off into captivity, and no one will be there to rescue them. 30The enemy nations will growl over their victims like the roaring of the sea. A cloud of darkness and sorrow will hover over Israel. The clouds will blot out the light.

UPDATE!

2005-09-30T14:18:00.000-04:00

It has been far too long! Hokey Cow! I haven't posted a new entry since July! Sorry to all my loyal readers *cough* one person! Well I should say loyal scripture studiers.

Anyways, i'm gonna get back on the ball with this...been far too long..now that I actually have time and some energy :P

Isaiah 2 - 3

2005-07-28T22:47:00.000-04:00

Isaiah 2
The LORDs Future Reign
1This is another vision that Isaiah son of Amoz saw concerning Judah and Jerusalem:
2In the last days, the Temple of the LORD in Jerusalem will become the most important place on earth. People from all over the world will go there to worship. 3Many nations will come and say, "Come, let us go up to the mountain of the LORD, to the Temple of the God of Israel.[a] There he will teach us his ways, so that we may obey him." For in those days the LORD's teaching and his word will go out from Jerusalem.
4The LORD will settle international disputes. All the nations will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. All wars will stop, and military training will come to an end. 5Come, people of Israel, let us walk in the light of the LORD!

A Warning of Judgment
6The LORD has rejected the people of Israel because they have made alliances with foreigners from the East who practice magic and divination, just like the Philistines. 7Israel has vast treasures of silver and gold and many horses and chariots. 8The land is filled with idols. The people bow down and worship these things they have made. 9So now everyone will be humbled and brought low. The LORD cannot simply ignore their sins!
10Crawl into caves in the rocks. Hide from the terror of the LORD and the glory of his majesty. 11The day is coming when your pride will be brought low and the LORD alone will be exalted. 12In that day the LORD Almighty will punish the proud, bringing them down to the dust. 13He will cut down the tall cedars of Lebanon and the mighty oaks of Bashan. 14He will level the high mountains and hills. 15He will break down every high tower and wall. 16He will destroy the great trading ships[b] and all the small boats in the harbor. 17The arrogance of all people will be brought low. Their pride will lie in the dust. The LORD alone will be exalted! 18Idols will be utterly abolished and destroyed.
19When the LORD rises to shake the earth, his enemies will crawl with fear into holes in the ground. They will hide in caves in the rocks from the terror of the LORD and the glory of his majesty. 20They will abandon their gold and silver idols to the moles and bats. 21They will crawl into caverns and hide among the jagged rocks at the tops of cliffs. In this way, they will try to escape the terror of the LORD and the glory of his majesty as he rises to shake the earth.
22Stop putting your trust in mere humans. They are as frail as breath. How can they be of help to anyone?

Footnotes:
Isaiah 2:3 Hebrew of Jacob; also in 2:5, 6.
Isaiah 2:16 Hebrew every ship of Tarshish.

Isaiah 3
Judgment against Judah
1The Lord, the LORD Almighty, will cut off the supplies of food and water from Jerusalem and Judah. 2He will destroy all the nation's leaders--the heroes, soldiers, judges, prophets, diviners, elders, 3army officers, honorable citizens, advisers, skilled magicians, and expert enchanters. 4Then he will appoint children to rule over them, and anarchy will prevail. 5People will take advantage of each other--man against man, neighbor fighting neighbor. Young people will revolt against authority, and nobodies will sneer at honorable people.
6In those days a man will say to his brother, "Since you have a cloak, you be our leader! Take charge of this heap of ruins!"
7"No!" he will reply. "I can't help. I don't have any extra food or clothes. Don't ask me to get involved!"
8Judah and Jerusalem will lie in ruins because they speak out against the LORD and refuse to obey him. They have offended his glorious presence among them. 9The very look on their faces gives them away and displays their guilt. They sin openly like the people of Sodom. They are not one bit ashamed. How terrible it will be for them! They have brought about their own destruction.
10But all will be well for those who are godly. Tell them, "You will receive a wonderful reward!" 11But say to the wicked, "Your destruction is sure. You, too, will get what you deserve. Your well-earned punishment is on the way."
12Children oppress my people, and women rule over them. O my people, can't you see what fools your rulers are? They are leading you down a pretty garden path to destruction.
13The LORD takes his place in court. He is the great prosecuting attorney, presenting his case against his people! 14The leaders and the princes will be the first to feel the LORD's judgment. "You have ruined Israel, which is my vineyard. You have taken advantage of the poor, filling your barns with grain extorted from helpless people. 15How dare you grind my people into the dust like that!" demands the Lord, the LORD Almighty.

A Warning for Jerusalems Women
16Next the LORD will judge the women of Jerusalem,[a] who walk around with their noses in the air, with tinkling ornaments on their ankles. Their eyes rove among the crowds, flirting with the men. 17The Lord will send a plague of scabs to ornament their heads. Yes, the LORD will make them bald for all to see!
18The Lord will strip away their artful beauty--their ornaments, headbands, and crescent necklaces; 19their earrings, bracelets, and veils of shimmering gauze. 20Gone will be their scarves, ankle chains, sashes, perfumes, and charms; 21their rings, jewels, 22party clothes, gowns, capes, and purses; 23their mirrors, linen garments, head ornaments, and shawls. 24Instead of smelling of sweet perfume, they will stink. They will wear ropes for sashes, and their well-set hair will fall out. They will wear rough sackcloth instead of rich robes. Their beauty will be gone. Only shame will be left to them.
25The men of the city will die in battle. 26The gates of Jerusalem[b] will weep and mourn. The city will be like a ravaged woman, huddled on the ground.

Footnotes:
Isaiah 3:16 Hebrew the daughters of Zion.
Isaiah 3:26 Hebrew Zion.

Intro Into Isaiah

2005-07-18T00:06:00.000-04:00

This is going to be interesting and very educational! I typed Isaiah into Google and got a hit on some historical data in regards to Isaiah himself. So here goes:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isaiah

I think that reading this could make fora great intro before diving into the book.

I chose to use the New Living Translation - hope that's okay!

Isaiah 1

1 These visions concerning Judah and Jerusalem came to Isaiah son of Amoz during the reigns of Uzziah, Jotham, Ahaz, and Hezekiah--all kings of Judah.

A Message for Rebellious Judah 2Hear, O heavens! Listen, O earth! This is what the LORD says: "The children I raised and cared for have turned against me. 3Even the animals--the donkey and the ox--know their owner and appreciate his care, but not my people Israel. No matter what I do for them, they still do not understand."
4Oh, what a sinful nation they are! They are loaded down with a burden of guilt. They are evil and corrupt children who have turned away from the LORD. They have despised the Holy One of Israel, cutting themselves off from his help.
5Why do you continue to invite punishment? Must you rebel forever? Your head is injured, and your heart is sick. 6You are sick from head to foot--covered with bruises, welts, and infected wounds--without any ointments or bandages. 7Your country lies in ruins, and your cities are burned. As you watch, foreigners plunder your fields and destroy everything they see. 8Jerusalem[a] stands abandoned like a watchman's shelter in a vineyard or field after the harvest is over. It is as helpless as a city under siege. 9If the LORD Almighty had not spared a few of us, we would have been wiped out as completely as Sodom and Gomorrah.
10Listen to the LORD, you leaders of Israel! Listen to the law of our God, people of Israel. You act just like the rulers and people of Sodom and Gomorrah. 11"I am sick of your sacrifices," says the LORD. "Don't bring me any more burnt offerings! I don't want the fat from your rams or other animals. I don't want to see the blood from your offerings of bulls and rams and goats. 12Why do you keep parading through my courts with your worthless sacrifices? 13The incense you bring me is a stench in my nostrils! Your celebrations of the new moon and the Sabbath day, and your special days for fasting--even your most pious meetings--are all sinful and false. I want nothing more to do with them. 14I hate all your festivals and sacrifices. I cannot stand the sight of them! 15From now on, when you lift up your hands in prayer, I will refuse to look. Even though you offer many prayers, I will not listen. For your hands are covered with the blood of your innocent victims. 16Wash yourselves and be clean! Let me no longer see your evil deeds. Give up your wicked ways. 17Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the orphan. Fight for the rights of widows.
18"Come now, let us argue this out," says the LORD. "No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can remove it. I can make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you as white as wool. 19If you will only obey me and let me help you, then you will have plenty to eat. 20But if you keep turning away and refusing to listen, you will be destroyed by your enemies. I, the LORD, have spoken!"

Unfaithful Jerusalem 21See how Jerusalem, once so faithful, has become a prostitute. Once the home of justice and righteousness, she is now filled with murderers. 22Once like pure silver, you have become like worthless slag. Once so pure, you are now like watered-down wine. 23Your leaders are rebels, the companions of thieves. All of them take bribes and refuse to defend the orphans and the widows.
24Therefore, the Lord, the LORD Almighty, the Mighty One of Israel, says, "I will pour out my fury on you, my enemies! 25I will turn against you. I will melt you down and skim off your slag. I will remove all your impurities. 26Afterward I will give you good judges and wise counselors like the ones you used to have. Then Jerusalem will again be called the Home of Justice and the Faithful City."
27Because the LORD is just and righteous, the repentant people of Jerusalem[b] will be redeemed. 28But all sinners will be completely destroyed, for they refuse to come to the LORD.
29Shame will cover you when you think of the times you offered sacrifices to idols in your groves of sacred oaks. You will blush when you think of all the sins you committed in your sacred gardens. 30You will wither away like an oak or garden without water. 31The strongest among you will disappear like burning straw. Your evil deeds are the spark that will set the straw on fire, and no one will be able to put it out.

Footnotes:
Isaiah 1:8 Hebrew The daughter of Zion.
Isaiah 1:27 Hebrew Zion.

Links for scripture:
www.biblegateway.com
(we can choose many different translations, if u want to read it in a different one, go to this site.

NOTE: Since we are both fairly busy, I think to have this done by the end of the week, would be a smart thing but we notice we are posting, we can keep going!

This should be interesting.

I also had a thought about praying for guidance and as my pastor would say - "nuggets", that maybe our eyes will be open to something?!? Amen. :)