Contemplations

I'm going thru somewhat of a depressed state. I have no motivation for anything! I need so badly to get back to the gym because I know it can totally change things around for me yet I haven't the energy to bother going. How messed is that? Plus I keep putting off going back night after night because I find other things to do which usually end up just me staring at a choice of two screens.

Spiritually I am in a funk. The last two days have been filled with intense grace filled training yet I can't be bothered to process any of it. Why? I have such a bad habit of letting myself lose trust when my life is a lot less stressed. No wonder God keeps bringing me to places of brokeness because I don't learn my lesson the first time.

I'm letting myself go on so many levels and I'm not sure how to turn around. I feel unhealthy, and I want the energy back I used to have!

I want to feel more ALIVE.

Today I realized that there is a certain person in my life that I am constantly staying connected to - which is great and all - but sometimes I think I do too much. I came to realize today that I keep this up because I'm afraid of losing my acceptance and connection with that person when I darn well know that wouldn't happen. I'm still afraid of rejecting and being forgotten.

How messed up is that? In the past I did that with relationships I knew were only for a season but why do I do this with friends who I know do care deeply about me and would never reject me?

This is not God in me, it's me in myself being afraid.

I need to process something here for a moment.

*breath*

I just finished reading a very intense novel - "Adam" by Ted Dekker and I'm mentally and physically still trying to re-cooperate. (I was seriously frozen on my bed as I read the last page). I'm blown away by Dekker's ability to write such a psychological yet spiritual novel based on such evil.

I don't want to give any of the plot away since the novel doesn't release until April of next year but I have a few warnings.

1. If you are scared of the dark, don't read this novel
2. Want a relaxing evening? Put this particular book down
3. In for a crazy intense thrilling novel? Sit down and start reading!

For the most part I've been a fan of Ted Dekker - especially the Black, Red and White trilogy but this book is in a category of it's own, in my opinion.

In such a world as today's, do I want to be aware of such evils? Or forever pull a toque over my eyes?

This past summer has finally caught up to me.

Hard.

Being so incredibly busy, dealing with family issues, being in a wedding, moving my parents and going through some major spiritual growth has really been challenging for me. I was stressed to the max without really realizing it.

I cracked.

On Friday evening I had to travel to my parents old place to help them pack. No big deal, really, but as I drove out of the city limits my eyes welled up and a tear slipped down my cheek. One tear after another, they cascaded down my face and I sobbed. Gut wretching sobs. Continously for about half an hour I just cried, I forced myself to stop so I wouldn't be upset in front of my already emotionally spent mother. Then on Saturday after saying farewell to my parents and driving away from my childhood home I cried again, before I could even turn onto the gravel road from the driveway.

Memories.

Leaving my childhood home was harder than I realized. So many memories attached to that house, the back bush, hours spent outside underneath the huge maple trees, playing in the sandbox, biking up and down the lane, road hockey with dad, sledding down the barn hill, picking beans, shoveling the carport, running for the bus, mowing the lawn, Sunday afternoons lying around the living room reading, curling up on the sun patches on the carpet, 21 Christmas eve's, holiday dinners, babysitting neighbourhood kids, shooting hoops, building forts in the basement, sitting in front of the woodstove, inhaling the smell of the country side, getting the mail, buying eggs from the house across the road, canning peaches and strawberries, family reunions on my birthday, tinkering on the piano, cranking the tunes, chores every Saturday, breaking my arm doing dishes, bonfires, the teeter totter, sitting on the front steps.... I'm going to miss that place more than I want to admit.

A new season.

God has take me and molded me even more in the past 6 months than I could have ever thought. I needed it. It changed be and I have begin to let go of so many things. I want to be continously challenged because I don't want to stay the same - I want to be who God wants me to be. I'm ready.

My prayer.

Take me as I am now, I am me, loved, accepted and saved by the grace of God. My life is yours Jesus, forever.

AMEN.

I love my life.
This weekend has taught me how much I love who I am.
This is me, I will be myself.

(more self-reflection to come)

God has me on some incredible journey and my heart just explodes with emotion.

"You hear about God's timing so much, you don't give it any thought until the next miracle sneaks over and smacks you upside the head"

(My Soul to Keep, Davis Bunn, page 105)

"Being an authentic Christian has nothing to do with building a successful career, having a nice family, and mastering the mechanics of daily life. Maturity has far more to do with courageously tackling the deep questions of the heart, struggling with ourselves and with God, and finding out who we are really made to be."

http://relevantmagazine.com/releblog/relationships/why-does-god-take-so-long

This is my "gold nugget" for today. A topic that has been on my mind a lot lately - this helps me understand myself just a little more. :)

I touched base on this topic on my last post but this came up in conversation today at church.

Hearing the voice of God.

Do we hear the voice of God and ignore it? Do we put thoughts in our own minds thinking that we do hear Him but it's actually us? How long do you wait for answer? Do ever miss His voice? And does He only talk to us about "big things"? Is our intuition maybe more God driven than we think?

What if we make a decision that we feel God is leading us towards but events keep happening postponing the final word? I've been told and I know that sometimes when we make wrong choices God will still use them for a purpose. Or that that was the way the situation was to happen.

So how much are we supposed to analyze or rethink or keep asking God about? Ultimately is the decision ours and we face the consequences if we don't wait to hear God's answer? What if we think we do hear it?

And what do you pray for? A sign? Spoken word? What if we miss all the signals?

Again all of this boils down to letting God take our entire life and everything in it - giving up control and relying on Him.

When will we ever start to listen to God's voice? I heard him distinctly today yet ignored Him and what happened? Consequences. I used to think it was more gut instinct that gave me these thoughts but I'm learning more and more that God does communicate with me even if I'm not expecting Him to.

This journey I'm on? I so hit a very deep puddle today but am back out of the puddle...dripping wet but an enlightened and changed. My family and myself are going through challenge after challenge yet we are still sticking together.

Like Carol Kent mentioned last night - make a gratitude list. And I am. And the list keeps growing!! Thank God for the body of Christ and the family members it offers.

Points to remember:

"you just keep your focus on HIM and remember HE is living your life for you as YOU"

"This is what the body of Christ does, we live CHRIST TO one another.....
it doesn't stop!!!!"

"...what happens when you squeeze and orange? orange juice comes out.....
you are being squeezed.....what is coming out......? Jesus"

Oh Lord you're beautiful, your face is all I seek! For when your eyes are on this child, your grace abounds to me.

I'm tired.
Take this burden from me.
Lift my spirits
because I'm feeling crushed.

I NEED you more than I need life.

Carefree, wind swirling,
laughter bubbling out of my mouth like a stream.
Floating, tip toeing across the sky,
Soaring above the world, absent of thought.

slowly dropping back to earth,
please catch me before I fall.

http://www.churchmarketingsucks.com/archives/2007/06/wheres_the_chur_1.html

It's interesting to read what people think about churches using secular hip trends...and reading some comments people left at the end of the article....some are laughable. I don't understand why churches aren't always looking for the newest hottest ways to communicate - to me it only makes sense. You want to reach people? Use what everyone else is! And where else do most people nowadays get their info? INTERNET. We live in a ME generation, go with it! It's that same for the Christian book market - we need to catch up with the secular world and live in today, not last year. Why is it that it seems like the Christian "world" is always one step behind??

Another point - social interaction right now is heavily saturated online as opposed to face to face. So it is always better to talk to a person face to face but socially that isn't happening much anymore and being against facebook isn't going to change that. And in conclusion of such when you talk to people in person now, facebook is a hot discussion! So guess what that means? Get on the bandwagon and GO!

Just like people's fear of change - get over it! Life is constantly changing if you like it or not! And yes sometimes change can bring different outcomes than what we want but isn't that the part of learning? How can we keep maturing if we don't let ourselves/lives to change? I don't think people are afraid of change but of losing control.

Inhale. Warm sweet summer air.
A hand reaches up palms facing the heavens.
Head tilts up, eyes close.

Jesus, my Saviour.
You pick me up out of this grave.
Your life breaths into me.
Beautiful, beautiful is my image of you.




You are everything.
What my heart longs for.
What my heart aches for.
Fill me Jesus with your love forever.

I will run to you with arms open wide
Sun beaming, breaking through the clouds.

Well I could sing unending songs
Of how you saved my soul
I could dance a thousand miles
Because of your great love

My heart is bursting Lord to
To tell of all you've done
Of how've you changed my life
And wiped away the past

Well, I want to shout it out
From every roof top sing
For now I know
That God is for me, not against me
(Happy Song - Chris Tomlin)

This morning I woke to this song seriously blasting in my head...and I'm talking just in my head, no one else could hear it. And this song? One of my favourite songs from camp...*sigh*

Ecclesiastes 3:
10 I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. 11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time.

Ecclesiastes 5:
18 Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life. 19 And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—this is indeed a gift from God. 20 God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past.

What a great book of the bible! Not exactly the most light-hearted or full of happiness but filled with a person's frustration on the world and our role in it. For me this was a very timely read.

(Chapters copied from www.biblegateway.com)

Is growing up a state of mind or circumstancial?
What makes a person a grown up? The legal age? Life Experiences? Maturity?

And once we are a grown up do we stay a grownup?

Can we grow up too fast and miss out on some things in life? Would God allow that? In today's society what defines grown up status? A car? Good job? Responsibilities?

A friend and I went out for bubble tea the other night and we got talking about where our lives had taken us. And after a bit of me explaining my story she said "it must have been hard growing up so quickly!". I wanted to hug the girl! Someone who is sympathetic and almost understanding of why sometimes I struggle with how "grown up" I have to be at times because of my circumstances in life.

But am I as grown up as I think I am?

Last night I ended my weekend on an ouchy note. Let set up the moment for you:

"Aren't you tired of always being....hm hm? You need to be goofy sometimes".
(basically the body language translated into basically implying that I'm stuckup)

OUCH. That hurt and probably one of the main reasons I slept like crap last night (or lack thereof). This bothers me something fierce. My answer is that it just isn't me! Yes I enjoy having fun and laughs but I've never been the type to just let loose. Ever. I'm not wired that way.

Nobody understands. I had to grow up incredibly fast! It pretty much started when at the age of 18 I was in charge of 10 people 5 days a week, 3 meals a day for 2.5 months at MWSR. That summer changed me especially in the aspect of responsibility. I graduated college at the age of 19 and had a full-time job that summer before I was even 20. I've grown up so much in the past 3 years it's insane! I've had to rediscover who I am a zillion times over and with that has brought a lot of change to my personality and my way of life. I've taken on more responsibilties lately with buying a car and the big kicker - being a church elder. It's not that having all this going on makes me a better person or better than other people it's just that the place I am in life right now is a lot different than most people my age.

Spiritually I've had a massive makeover especially in the past year. This has also matured me and makes me who I am today, right now. I love being silly, goofy and witty but sometimes that doesn't come out because of the surroundings I'm in. And yes I am sometimes tired of always being apparently "stuck up" but I can't change that. I have too many people counting on me to be the stable, normal, accountable, responsible person.

This is so hard to explain!!

Also something else came up about how I go to church because I'm searching for something. That's not exactly right. I'm not really searching for anything because I have found Christ, He lives in me and thru me. My life is His life. I go to church to learn more and fill my thirsty soul. And the by products of such bring community and fellowship with other church goers.

Being an Elder (and the secretary on the Leadership Team) has been a challenge so far and I'm only 7 months in my 2 year term (well possibly 4 year term). I've had to deal with not being afraid of judgment as I'm 22 years old and a chuch elder - quite a foreign idea to most people. It's a huge commitment! But never have I felt so accepted in such a role! That people see me as mature enough to help make decisions for the future of our Church.

I don't find my responsibilties burdensome! It's just that it affects who I am and what I do as a person. I have a lot on my plate for a 22 year - most people my age are either just finishing school or getting married. I like who I am even though sometimes I wish I could be a little more fun and easy going but I am that way sometimes it just depends on the circumstances.

I don't know if this makes much sense because explaining ones being to someone who isn't you is just a little hard. And I guess seeig yourself from someone else's perspective makes you contemplate.

Knowledge is a powerful thing. Not that I've suddenly become powerful with some new knowledge but I've noticed some interesting things this week.

A lot of the books, bible studies, scripture I have been reading has all been matching up at all different events this week. Usually when I read different types of material they never overlap but it's been different this week.

For example I finished reading this book called "The Pawn" by Steven James (not releasing until September) and the plot has a lot to do with a modern version of the "The People's Temple" cult back in the 70's. Then today I'm reading a blog (about 2 people who are evaluating churches in Toronto) and the poster brought up how the church seemed similar to that of Jim Jones and The People's Temple. Before yesterday I had never heard about this tragic event in history! Strange but really cool.

Then at bible study we were talking about Joseph being sold off by his brothers then later on in life they come to Egypt where Joseph is in high power. Joseph forgives him and wants his father to come see him. One of the discussion questions was why did it take Joseph so long to reveal his secret about being sold? I gave the point that when the sons told their father Joseph was killed, they didn't really tell him they had just dipped his coat in blood and the father assumed he was dead. I had never heard that story put that way until earlier this week listening to a teaching I was given a while back.

To me it's super fascinating that things I've picked up lately seem to be connecting in such great ways! I feel so smart! :) Maybe that's why I like reading so much? Constantly learning new perspectives and gaining smarts about things I've never known before?

Oh and if you want a great suspense/thriller/crime novel - pick up a copy of "The Pawn". Definitely one of the best books I've read in a while! A killer of a page turner! :P

Links to check out:
The Pawn Promo Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_HlC7Kvap8
Toronto version of "Jim & Casper Go To Church": http://drewmarshall.ca/blog/
Steven James: http://stevenjames.net/index.php