Contemplations

I can't even really remember my first post about my new "journey". It's a lame-o way of saying it but really, how else to explain this road I'm on? :P

I baked tonight. It's such a good feeling - can't you just smell those hot out of the oven rhubarb muffins? Delish. I'm discovering again this week about things I enjoy doing which make me happy. My priorities aren't exactly lined up but for a little happiness? I thought it'd be smarter. I've read two books in the last week and it's only Thursday. I'm kick'n back on the balcony at night instead of running off doing something or glued to the tube or computer. I long to go to the gym (and actually feel guilty about not going) but I lack the ambition currently. (Can anyone hold me accountable? Or join me?)

It's been a great! I've listened to 1 lesson of the bible study I was given (seriously, who can find 50min a day to sit, listen, absorb and meditate so much info?). To see how much I take from this study I am currently taking notes that I'll share later on as I get thru more. The first lesson totally hit home though and was pretty much perfect timing! No place like walking in the cemetery to gain some introspect! (It's really not that morbid! It's a massive beautiful cemetery with paved roads, lots of trees. benches and great place to get away without being far from home)

I have my priorities and right now it's making myself happy - doing the things I enjoy instead of putting them off until I have time.

Seriously I sound so cheesey bally! My eloquent way with words is failing me tonite...so distracted by the delicious aroma from the kitchen....

I'm a journey right now, stuck in the valley and climbing my way out.

PM: "Michelle, I'm going to be blunt - what is your soul craving?"
Me: "Uh, um....*sigh*..that's an on the spot question...I dunno"

It took me a good five minutes but it came to me in a super clear thought - Acceptance & Love.

Last night I broke down again. I was really upset, bawling in front of my computer screen just wanting to talk to someone yet I didn't feel anyone could handle my burden I was wanting to unload. I needed someone that wasn't related to me, nor could I explain to a friend what was going on inside of. My phone rang and it changed everything. God has blessed me so much with someone who is more than just a mentor to me but a true friend who always builds me up - reaffirming who I am in Christ and how human we all are. (Pastor Mike this is a shout-out to you! If you even read this blog :P)

I'm going to try to keep a journal of my thoughts over the next while especially as I'm doing a bit of a study as provoted to me last night. God is constantly molding me to become who He wants me to be!

Time to quench my thirsty soul.

Gut wrenching sobs. Tears streaming down, soaking into her skin.
She cries.

Love so deep, unconditional, everlasting. More than compromising, it's a sacrifice.
She cries.

Longing to breath deep, reaching beyond just to grasp on to the edge.
She cries.

Forgiveness, acceptance and respect is all she longs for.
A place, safe and worthy to be warrant trust. To be herself, to feel a sense of belong. To be pushed, grow and mature. What must it take? How much must she give?

To hold her heart out and have it stomped on?

A rut she doesn't want, heartache she keeps feeling.
She cries.

Soft words and a gentle heart, a peace settles like leaves slowly falling from a tree.
She looks up.

Honesty, compassion and encouragement flow out. Soaking it all in.
She smiles.

26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers[a] in harmony with God’s own will.

Romans 8:26-27

Thanks for the reminder Jesus.

I'm tired of not being respected.

I'm tired of not knowing what to say, how to act or converse.

The inside jokes? Give it up, no one gets them and you only seclude yourself.

I see your insecurities and I can't but feel annoyed.

WAKE UP!

How old are you anyways?

Has living life always been so difficult for you? Can you not see that greatness life
has to offer you?

Get up.

Buck up.

You are made for greatness, don't deny what's given to you.

I'm tired of always being the mature one... socially, mentally and spiritually.

What I could give to forget responsibilties and live like a teenager but I can't.

I've grown up, why can't you?

Is it so wrong to have expectations?

This time I had none and yet I was still disappointed.

Perfection is not what I anticipated but I couldn't even get participation.

How much is going to take?

Nothing...

because I am done.

I'm going through some really weird times right now. Tonight especially I feel out of sorts and this rant came out of me. Not really applied to person(s) in specific but a bunch of events mashed together and now together in random blurts of annoyance.

I've realized lately that I need to take some time each day before starting work to read some scripture. Lately there's been a lot going on in my life and those around me. I'm struggling with some things as well and I've having a hard time concentrating at work during some points in the day.

So day, I prayed and asked God to reveal a passage in the bible for me to read and this is what popped into my head immediately - Psalm 28. This verse stuck out at me:

"It is He who is described as both unchanging and as an all-consuming fire.
Upon encountering God, I cannot expect to stay the same. Of course He will
change me. He makes me new, new like the morning sun, new like the whitest
snow."

Me:"..yah, it's been a busy week because...blah, blah, blah"
Person 1:"oh man, that's lots of change"
Me: "uh huh"

Why did I feel like no one cared about the craziness of my life in the past weeks?
"Because you are a selfish little brat just looking for attention."

Here I sat at my leadership meeting during prayer just thinking about all the things going on in MY life. I was here to pray about and come together to build God's/our church!

"I know no other master, I give myself to you..."

A couple nights ago I attended my first ever church meeting as an Elder. What a great meeting! It had to be one of the only meetings I've gone to where I didn't get the urge to roll my eyes back and daydream :P I'm a little anxious with all the new responsibilities and things I must learn as an Elder (and also newly appointed Secretary of the Leadership Team) but at the same time I'm looking forward to absorbing new information and growing.

Speaking of growing - I was really encouraged at the meeting when one of the other Elders interjected for a moment to comment about how much I've changed since him and his wife met me. He was amazed at how much I've changed in the past two years. How do you respond to that? A humble 'thank you'?

Over the last while I've trying accept that I have changed. I know that sounds odd but a couple years ago I had no hope for myself - no aspirations, dreams or goals. I was stuck. Now, not so much. There has not been a pivotal moment where things suddenly changed but a ton of small events. Such as: attending Hope, living with 4 random people for a summer, building new relationships, job promotion (being encouraged which has given me confidence), overcoming fears, personal training at the gym, buying a car and just stepping out of my comfort zone. The hidden confident me is finally peeking out of it's shell.

I have a lot of people and things to be thankful for because I wouldn't be where I am without them/it. And I hope never do forget how far I've become as a person - spiritual and personalitywise.

There are many things I have yet to conquer, things to try and some fears to be eradicated but for now I'm happy with who I am becoming!

I leave you with lyrics from a fav band I was listening to on the way to work:

"Though everything’s the same inside
There’s something real
A faith which causes me to change
(But what’s different now)
A spark is gleaming in my eye
Like diamond stars that fill the sky
I think a smile says it all
A smile says it all "
(Smile - Kutless)

I've been in a very pecular mood this week and it's annoying the heck out of me. Long gone is the happiness I had a week ago...the contentment with blessings has so quickly disappeared. Maybe my mind is mad at me for letting it leave the warm tropics of florida? And I'm so tired! Workouts used to perk me up at night but lately I'd rather nap than workout. I have no motivation to do anything at night - even talk to friends! Crawling into a hole and sleeping for the rest of the week has great appeal to me right now.

I had a discussion with a lady at church about blessings. Well more and less that when we are blessed we are afraid to be too happy 'cause heaven forbid something bad happen. And lately with my recent trip to Florida, buying a car and my semi-recent job promotion I wasn't allowing myself to get excited about it all because I knew it wouldn't last. How sad! What joy I should be celebrating! Blessings are a gift, I can't throw it back.

I hope this is only a phase I'm going thru and it is over soon - I want my spark for life back.

I wish I would have blogged about this in the heat of the moment...my rant would be just a little more intense.

This past Sunday I was voted into the church leadership team - I am now an Elder. That's right. Feel free to laugh, scroff or give me a congradulations b/c that's the type of responses I am getting. When I was first nominated my reaction was "uh, no. only old married men do that" but then I got thinking about it. I think it's pretty darn cool that I have this opportunity and that there are people wanting to have someone with a "young and fresh" perspective on board. It was kinda neat 'cause after the congregation meeting one lady (Emily) came up to me and gave me a giant huge - "I'm partly responsible for bringing you here!". It's true I met Emily at a lady's fitness centre and after sometime I asked where she went to church and so she took me along. And I never stopped going to Hope Fellowship. I'm not sure what all my responsibilties will be now....having coffee with the pastor this week to chat it up and take a look at how my focus for volunteering at church will change. Farewell Praise Team?

Which brings me to the more rant of my blog...

Church membership. I was reading thru the church's annual report and was appauled by the lack of people listed as members. Only 35 members out an amount of 90 regular attendees. Why aren't ppl becoming members? What's so difficult about it?? My friend Darryl has been attending Hope for over 4 yrs so I asked him w hy aren't u a member? "I trust the church members will vote well without me, i trust them". Okay. Lame. Church membership is just to show that you are saying that you will be with the church for an unknown amount of time and you like the church...even maybe that you want to show commitment and are willing to invest time/effort/money into seeing it grow. That's not too hard is it?? Seriously. And what is required of u to become a member? Be there for at least 6 months consistantly and attend a 2.5hr class about the foundations of the church and what the church believes in. Oh and on one Sunday you have to stand at the front of the church for a few moments while the Pastor prays over you and let's the congregation know that you are now "offically" a member.

So what's the flipp'n deal?? I understand that it semi-constitutes commitment. OH! There's the problem right there. Heaven forbid anyone commits to anything anymore. GOSH. I really don't know what's wrong with most ppl my age (and even friends of mine in their late 20's) who can't seem to be mature enough and commit theirselves to something. Church membership isn't that big o deal. Just a name on a list.

Or maybe that's the problem, it's not a big enough deal.

Why is it that sometimes we want something we cannot have? Like there is a moment you could seize the 'want' yet in the back of your mind you know it's not something you are allowed to have without consequences. In a blink of an eye you make that decision... sometimes regretfully and sometimes thankfully.

community, building, pastor, food, work, coffee, Jesus, worship, rules...

my answer: politics

my more "real" answers: rejection, unacceptance, cliques, feeling alone


This morning the sermon was about the church. What does it mean to us? The top line above was random answers by the congregation, second line was my contribution and the third line is self explainatory. During his whole sermon I just kept thinking about how much I know I'll never fit into the group of YA at my church. I'm not going to conform to their level. They claim to accept me for who I am yet I am not myself around them. Conversations are always so surface level and usually involving some crude comment, drinking of beer, bad jokes, loads amount of inside jokes between a select few... I SO long for community with people my age yet I can't seem to find it. Yes I have a group of friends but which are scattered across Ontario. Why is this so hard? I quit planning YA events at my church because I am so sick of the noncommitment from others, I'm tired of having expectations and being disappointed. How hard is it to be real? To care? I need to find a place/group where I can thrive and grow, have people to be accountable to, to be stretched, want to belong. Why did I take on the role of YA co-ordinator? Honestly.

I love my church but I don't love the lack of what I am searching for.

1. Life = risk
2. If you have not failed, you have not lived

Just two points from a sermon that hit me like a 2 by 4 to the back of my head.

I've always been a low risk person - I don't like getting out of my comfort zone, I have a hard time doing something I've never done before, etc. Risk to me is letting myself be vulnerable and setting myself up for failure. Which brings me to the second point - failure.

I despite messing things up, or failing to do something correctly or at all - it really bothers me because I should have done better and it's unacceptable in my books. I've worked hard in my life to stay "fail" free and when I do fail, I kick myself. Why? Hearing Pastor Mike utter "if you have not failed, you have not lived" hit me hard. I've been trying so hard to always be in control of my actions and I shouldn't be! No one is perfect, how did I expect myself to never mess up? Failing is human nature I just need to accept it.

Thinking about risk has me thinking me about my current life. Have I settled too much?
Currently I am living with 2 of my sisters, working full-time for the past 2 years, volunteering in church as young adults co-ordinator and praise team vocalist. I have a bunch of friends in town/church I hang out with often, friends back home I visit when I can, friends who come visit me from time to time. I have a great job and my coworkers are like family to me. There are ladies at church who have become like grandmothers to me. I go to the gym 3 times a week plus personal training, I watch my favourite tv shows when I can. Is that my life will be about? Will it always be so routine? Have I failed to take risks? Am I afraid to take risks in the future? Or will I be content with living my life just the way I am now? I know God is in control of my life but sometimes I wonder if I miss His leading because I'm scared that if I let go I'll end up doing something I'm not comfortable doing.

"..promise to do something extreme. Something that challenges your life, gets you out of your rut.." (quote from "What a Girl Wants" - Kristin Billerbeck)

I'm so young still, I should be living on the edge more before I become too settled or older. There's a guy at the bbq I was at on the weekend that is going through this right now. He has an opportunity to go across the country to work but is torn b/c he feels that maybe at the age of 26 he should be settling down and getting a real job. My few points to him was that "real" work is slightly over rated and he should do what he enjoys instead of doing what society is telling him (or parental/family pressure). I didn't tell him but I'm almost envious of his freedom.

I'm learning, learning to let go and trust God with my worries/concerns and sometimes heavy heart. Knowing that Christ livesin me gives me hope that I have a purpose in life regardless if I see it or not.

"S/he deserves to be happy"

How does a person deserve to be happy? Must you work extremely hard for something and this is your reward? If so does this not allow lazy people to be happy? Happiness is not something you achieve but something you allow yourself to feel.

This statment was also said in reference to someone who has a new SigOther. Hmm. So the only thing that can bring "achieved" happiness is having a SigOther...rrriiiight. And marriage is the greatest acheivement that people can attain? Uh huh. This means I should be unhappy all the time because there is nothing else in this world that could bring me more happiness than a b/f.

Get real.

This trailer left me speechless.

Jesus Camp

Any comments?

This is the first time I've read such an honest article about a person being overweight and how they feel about it.

"People who haven’t been overweight can’t understand the self-consciousness of people who are. I thought continually about how bad I looked. I hated mirrors. I hated shopping for clothes. And when I was around people, all I could think about was how they perceived my looks."

"It took months before I saw any change, but soon some of my friends were noticing. You have no idea what it feels like to have someone notice that you’ve lost weight and tell you. To a person who has been overweight their entire life it’s like having a burden lifted (literally and metaphorically)."

Since I am now getting serious about my health and getting fit - this article is very timely!

To read the whole article click here.

"The sheer magnitude of the stars, the way the sky didn't look flat at
all but truly spherical, the absence of the moon. The longer we were still, the
more the night came alive. No man could have made such a thing come into
being—no busyness or handiwork or words or wishes. But with just a few simple
words, the God of all creation spoke this beauty into being. And yet He is still
mindful of me, an impossibly small speck on the face of a sphere that bides it
time spinning in circles. And even more, He is jealously in love with me,
sacrificing all just to reach me. And I am left asking myself how I could ever
be lax in my pursuit of or response to Him.
Sometimes the stillness is what is needed to capture our attention; and
that is truly the way I believe it is intended to be."

This weekend I've spent sometime just sitting on the balcony watching the sky. The moon was really bright, the sky with some hazy clouds and a few stars twinkling in the sky...there is absolutely nothing more amazing than God's creation. Whether it be a full moon, a setting sun or a rainbow, God's handiwork never ceases to astound and remind me how powerful He is and will forever be.

Reading the above paragraph was a nice reminder to keep taking the moments and remembering how much God loves us.

"I don't believe that God chose you and blessed you so that you could heap those blessings upon yourself. I believe God chose you because He wants to make a difference in this world. And you know what? What I think is scary about God is He didn't come up with any 'plan B.' That He left the church here, and the church is the only group of people and the church is the only institution in the world that can bring about a change." - Rich Mullins

---
"This is my desire. This is my desire, to be more like you. Want to be real, want to be emptied inside.... and I know my life is to do your will." Jeremy Camp song lyrics

Fantastic article this morning on Relevantmagazine.com. I think is maybe some what of a "God"incidence as my little sis and I were just talking about this last night - dreaming.

I’m starting to think the secret of contentment is not learning how to
“escape” from life but to enjoy it for what it is—not sorting out the conditions
just so, finding someway to stop the boat’s rocking, but learning to keep your
balance no matter how smooth or rough the seas. The trouble with the old me was that I hoped a boyfriend and marriage would save me from boredom and the
travails of a normal life. And since I secretly feared it might let me down in
that, I made sure to like men more wrong than right for me. Having my dream of
the perfect escape was preferable to having that dream come true and still be
stuck here in a life most banal.

What is it you think you need in life? What do you hope it will save
you from? Perhaps we fear our dreams’ fulfillment more than this longing
interminable because we sense the problem is not in our circumstances, but
restlessness.

Dreaming in the sense of what we want out of life - setting goals that look well beyond our reach but tickle our hearts desire. My little sis had an amazing God-filled weekend which has brought her to a place of understanding and passion for stepping out and dreaming BIG. She doesn't want to settle for mediocure or lukewarm but strive for the highest and see where it takes her. At 17 years old this is very admireable!

I never had that kind of thinking at her age - maybe because our parents weren't very encouraging that way, or knowing our family lifestyle and how financially unstable our childhood was. BUT at the same time I never expected much of myself at all. I think being tested in gr.6 for my "learning curve" (I always said they tested to see how dumb I was) has always stuck in the back of my mind, even with doing well in college I never gave myself very high goals. I reached my goals almost 2 years ago. College grad. Job. Been there, got that and the student loans that come with it.

So here I am again, contemplating my life and what I really want it. Am I happy with working for the next 40 some years? Is this my passion? Am I settling for what's comfortable yet not what I could be doing? I can't have more student loans and I probably won't qualify for any more loans, I can't handle having the student life again, I'm not smart enough for university. Do I actually have an inkling for a different career? Or I am just bored and restless?

I'm only 21, I shouldn't be hitting the quarterlife crisis yet...