I'm changing, again. My heart has broke so much over the past year and I know that God is slowly healing me over time. He told me to rest in His arms and I'm starting to without even trying.
My priorities in life are taking a turn too. I'm building more relationships that are genuine and honest. I LOVE it.
There are so many things I still need to unlearn and work through but I'm getting there in God's time.
*A thought just popped in my head after I hit post the first time - I've stopped relying on the same people to help me get through situations - Christ is becoming the shoulder for me to cry on.
I could never put my finger on why I love the show "Ugly Betty" so much but it hit me tonight while I was watching the last episode I missed.
I am Ugly Betty.
Betty: "I'm always the sensible one! I should be able to take a risk"
(paraphrased b/c my memory isn't that good)
In the past 3 years of my life I have always been the one with my head on straight. Always I think about how what I do affects everyone around me. Everyday I consider what my actions show about who I am. My thoughts fill with things of stability and security. I never take risks. I stay the same in life afraid to let go, afraid that others will fail without my stronghold of having my head on straight. Always the pillow but do you know what?? I want to rip that pillow and watch the feathers swirl in the air as I angrily tear the seam apart. I don't have it all together, never have!!
I went to college because my sisters did. I picked the only program I knew I could at least pass because I know I am not smart in math or science. After college I moved in with my sister because she needed a roommate and I didn't want to stay at home. I stayed unemployed that summer because I didn't try hard at getting a job. It took me four months to realize that I wasn't ready for the work world and ruined my summer. I work hard at my job and started settling down. I got promoted, which in turn I bought a car and now it's 3.25 years later. Do I know what I want with my life?
NO!
And I never have! I have no dreams or aspirations. Well I dream about things I know could never be a reality. What am I to achieve? What am I to become? I've grown up so much in the past 3 years - professionally and spiritually but for what?
Here I sit at my computer pounding the crap out of my keyboard writing this and again, for what?? Who's my audience besides my family and a select few other friends? I want to write like no one understands. I have such a passion for writing from my heart. I want people to hear my life, what struggling really means. To be honest with each other instead of hiding in our own little worlds only coming out to have relationships when we want them.
I want love! Love beyond all love. I want someone to come home to and cry on their shoulder. To have support physically, emotionally and spiritually. I want to stop always being the strong one. I want people to see I am real, I have feelings and I cry, a LOT! I am bawling right now and my heart is pounding in my head so bad it feels like it wants to explode.
I don't know what else to do right now. I don't know what's next. I know that Christ is the centre of my life but right now I'm so lost. I've given up talking to people about my spiritual life and I don't know why. I'm afraid of people seeing me lose it yet I sit at home alone sometimes and just sob uncontrollably. There were moments this summer I was driving in my car with tears just streaming down my face.
I can't continue like this because it's slowly killing me inside. I need people, I need counsel, I need encouragement, I need affirmation, I need relationships. I need to stop wearing this mask. I want people to see the real me - the hurt me, the happy me, the beauty inside of me, the love inside of me. I want people to finally see ME even if I don't really know who I am entirely. So here I am....
...broken like fragile glass.
I have touched on this topic before in a quote I came across but again it's popping up in my life. What is true maturity?
"1: the quality or state of being mature; especially : full development
2: termination of the period that an obligation has to run"
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/maturity
Is it so freak'n wrong to act beyond one persons own age?
Romans 8:6
6 So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%208:6%20;&version=51;
Association is a funny thing, actually more fascinating than anything else.
Example 1:
This morning I slipped on a ring that was given to me by my late Aunt Rita a month before she passed on. I wear the ring once in a while - sometimes as a reminder, other times it just matches the outfit. It's a beautiful gold band ring with a raised retangular blue stone and inscripted with "Love Aunt Rita, 2004". It's been 3 years last month since she died at the age of 51 to brain cancer.
Association - when I put the ring on this morning I thought about something an old roommmates dad said to me - "With that much cancer in your family, no one will ever want to marry you". Freak'n ouch eh? I haven't thought about that moment in a long time and I don't plan on dwelling on it. Jerk.
Example 2:
I have a hard time memorizing scripture. Why? As a kid I attend AWANA at a local bible chapel and what was the main thing we did to get rewarded? Memorize scripture and LOTS of it in...wait for it....King James Version. It's taken me a long time to even appreciate the thought of memorizing scripture again for more reasons that it just being an old school translation but how much I was forced to memorize scripture and the expectations from my mom. All I can say is, thanks goodness for the NLT.
Example 3:
Easy listening music. Any time I hear easy listening music (especially a song I know from the '80's and early 90's) I am transported back to many a times as a child sitting in the car listening to music while mom went shopping (it alwasy felt like FOREVER).
Example 4:
Christmas music - especially certain songs I flash back to many good memories of Christam and I long for them all over again. Even right now there is Christmas music playing in the office and it makes me want Christmas!
Like I said association with things are very interesting...
Last night I had a thought/idea come to mind and I want to persue this. I'm going to run with it and see where it takes me. I'm going to be vague because I get ideas quite often but they don't usually go anywhere/I forget about them.
So, if anything becomes of this idea I will spill but for now...it's your guess. :P
Romans 8:26-28 (New Living Translation)
26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers[a] in harmony with God’s own will. 28 And we know that God causes everything to work together[b] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
It's that time of year ago -well getting there in just a few short weeks.
I absolutely LOVE Christmas but sometimes I really dread mass gatherings. Office events involving everyone and their spouse (who's the only single?), family gatherings where anyone over the age of 20 is already married (and probably a kid on the way)...
In no means am I desperate for a "better half", just situations like this sometimes poke a little at my emo heart.
October has been a grace rich month and so is the beginning of this month.
I'm currently attending the Grace Walk Conference again for the second time and I'm still grasping more truths and understanding
More thoughts to come....
Sometimes I wish I were perfect although not a soul on this planet is.
Making mistakes really bugs me and usually puts a tamper on my mood because all mistakes have consequences. For the most part I don't have a problem admitting to doing something wrong but at the same time I hate the feeling of it being my fault....yet again. My heart starts pounding, my sorrounds become unfocused and I feel a heat flush rush up from my neck and my ears turn read.
Why is being un-perfect so hard sometimes? Why do I feel like making a mistake is really showing faults? And in some situations there could be reasons for mistakes - inadequate training, lapse of judgement, distractions, etc.
I guess this is God's way of keeping me humble?!?
Joshua 3
5 Then Joshua told the people, “Purify yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do great wonders among you.”
7 The Lord told Joshua, “Today I will begin to make you a great leader in the eyes of all the Israelites. They will know that I am with you, just as I was with Moses.
funk 1
n.
1. a. A state of cowardly fright; a panic.
b. A state of severe depression.
2. A cowardly, fearful person.
I'm not sure how much I agree to the definition of funk or at least my version of what being in a "funk" means.
I'm not severly depressed but I am to some extent:
-I'm snacking too much
-I crave sleep even though I'm getting more now than I have all summer
-I'm not exactly cheerful
-I've been really lazy in the last while
-I want to cry randomly
But I am in some sort of funk and I don't know why or even how to get out of it. I try to pray but I feel empty. In the past two weekends I have been inandated with so much soul food yet I have no desire to think about, process it and grow from it. I just want to stay at home, curled up in bed reading a book.
What is wrong with me? Why am I possibly depressed? Can I blame the weather? Am I just finally releasing stress that's been pent up all summer? Am I grieving about this Friday marks the three years since Aunt Rita died? (cripes, I just started tearing up).
I was told a couple weeks ago that I have potiental to grow up and become a "spiritual mom" but right now I feel like a fraud. I barely pray, or do devos. I hardly give God a second thought lately and it makes me feel guilty.
I know I need to get out of this state of whatever but I don't know how to start. Actually I know I need to pray about it but I have no desire but yet I need to.
I seem to be stuck in a cycle and I'm not happy. I'm not happy with myself internally or externally.
I need to break out,
the darkness is thickening.
My heart is heavy
and my eyes misting.
A burden sits on me,
smoothering my soul.
I cry,
weeping into the pillow.
Dear God,
What is wrong with me?
I yearn to break this cycle but patience aludes me.
-----
During church on Sunday I heard/thought came to mind:
"Just rest and the rest will come"
Could it be that simple?
WHY?
The question every little kid asks and us adults don't grow out of either, we just ask differently.
I'm filled with that question today and I have no answer. I'll never have an answer.
But that's okay because in the end, do I really need it?
This isn't an ordinary "deep thoughts" post but it's still honest.
I've been in a weird slump for the past two weeks and it's annoying the heck out of me! So much so that I've taken up going to the gym again.
Shocking!
It's been what? Since July?
UGH.
I went Tuesday night and kicked into high gear with 15min of power walking on the treadmill and 25 minutes of "weight loss" cycle on the Elliptical. Tonight I did another full amount of cardio with power walking and running for 25min burning almost 400 calories.
Now I'm tired and hungry!
I need energy back in my life and I know getting back on track with my fitness is key! When I was working out with a PT and started losing weight - I gained confidence and more self-esteem. I'm back to body hating and realizing my jeans are getting snug again.
It's crazy how in such a few short months I am almost back to square 1 in my fitness level! Near the end of my PT I was at an "athletic" level! That's a huge accomplishment for me! I can run? Leg press my body weight? Shoulder press 20lb weights? Leg curl 90lbs?
Step 1 b) Diet
-change eating habits again cutting down to 2 Starbucks drinks a month
-no starches at dinner
- protein 3 times a day (mix between bars and shakes)
- more veggies
-less dairy - only 1 yogurt a day
Step 2 Fitness Program
- go back to Body for Life program
- 3 day cardio, 3 day weight training
When I was seeing a PT before my goal was fitting better into a bridesmaid dress but even that goal wasn't met very well - I need encouragement and a goal. Feel free to give either or!
(next post, back to regular scheduled spiritual thoughts)
My soul is unsettled right now and I think I know why.
I gained a lot of knowledge this weekend, spiritually, and I think I'm afraid of how all of this could change me.
I need the change, I'm not sure why I'm resisting.
----
Side note: I love church meetings!! I always leave so encouraged. :)
I'm going thru somewhat of a depressed state. I have no motivation for anything! I need so badly to get back to the gym because I know it can totally change things around for me yet I haven't the energy to bother going. How messed is that? Plus I keep putting off going back night after night because I find other things to do which usually end up just me staring at a choice of two screens.
Spiritually I am in a funk. The last two days have been filled with intense grace filled training yet I can't be bothered to process any of it. Why? I have such a bad habit of letting myself lose trust when my life is a lot less stressed. No wonder God keeps bringing me to places of brokeness because I don't learn my lesson the first time.
I'm letting myself go on so many levels and I'm not sure how to turn around. I feel unhealthy, and I want the energy back I used to have!
I want to feel more ALIVE.
Today I realized that there is a certain person in my life that I am constantly staying connected to - which is great and all - but sometimes I think I do too much. I came to realize today that I keep this up because I'm afraid of losing my acceptance and connection with that person when I darn well know that wouldn't happen. I'm still afraid of rejecting and being forgotten.
How messed up is that? In the past I did that with relationships I knew were only for a season but why do I do this with friends who I know do care deeply about me and would never reject me?
This is not God in me, it's me in myself being afraid.
I need to process something here for a moment.
*breath*
I just finished reading a very intense novel - "Adam" by Ted Dekker and I'm mentally and physically still trying to re-cooperate. (I was seriously frozen on my bed as I read the last page). I'm blown away by Dekker's ability to write such a psychological yet spiritual novel based on such evil.
I don't want to give any of the plot away since the novel doesn't release until April of next year but I have a few warnings.
1. If you are scared of the dark, don't read this novel
2. Want a relaxing evening? Put this particular book down
3. In for a crazy intense thrilling novel? Sit down and start reading!
For the most part I've been a fan of Ted Dekker - especially the Black, Red and White trilogy but this book is in a category of it's own, in my opinion.
In such a world as today's, do I want to be aware of such evils? Or forever pull a toque over my eyes?
This past summer has finally caught up to me.
Hard.
Being so incredibly busy, dealing with family issues, being in a wedding, moving my parents and going through some major spiritual growth has really been challenging for me. I was stressed to the max without really realizing it.
I cracked.
On Friday evening I had to travel to my parents old place to help them pack. No big deal, really, but as I drove out of the city limits my eyes welled up and a tear slipped down my cheek. One tear after another, they cascaded down my face and I sobbed. Gut wretching sobs. Continously for about half an hour I just cried, I forced myself to stop so I wouldn't be upset in front of my already emotionally spent mother. Then on Saturday after saying farewell to my parents and driving away from my childhood home I cried again, before I could even turn onto the gravel road from the driveway.
Memories.
Leaving my childhood home was harder than I realized. So many memories attached to that house, the back bush, hours spent outside underneath the huge maple trees, playing in the sandbox, biking up and down the lane, road hockey with dad, sledding down the barn hill, picking beans, shoveling the carport, running for the bus, mowing the lawn, Sunday afternoons lying around the living room reading, curling up on the sun patches on the carpet, 21 Christmas eve's, holiday dinners, babysitting neighbourhood kids, shooting hoops, building forts in the basement, sitting in front of the woodstove, inhaling the smell of the country side, getting the mail, buying eggs from the house across the road, canning peaches and strawberries, family reunions on my birthday, tinkering on the piano, cranking the tunes, chores every Saturday, breaking my arm doing dishes, bonfires, the teeter totter, sitting on the front steps.... I'm going to miss that place more than I want to admit.
A new season.
God has take me and molded me even more in the past 6 months than I could have ever thought. I needed it. It changed be and I have begin to let go of so many things. I want to be continously challenged because I don't want to stay the same - I want to be who God wants me to be. I'm ready.
My prayer.
Take me as I am now, I am me, loved, accepted and saved by the grace of God. My life is yours Jesus, forever.
AMEN.
I love my life.
This weekend has taught me how much I love who I am.
This is me, I will be myself.
(more self-reflection to come)