Contemplations

It's something that has been on my mind quite a bit lately. Are we all "called" with/to a passion? Should we be passionate about something?

This leads me to another line of thought lately - what do I enjoy in life? What drives me? What am I good at? Recently I picked up crocheting and so far so good but like scrapbooking I lose interest pretty quickly. Is this me just wanting to feel good about myself? Or feel like I'm good at something? Validate myself?

What about my career? Should I change from my current career or stick with what I'm trained in? Maybe I enjoy administrative duties more than I realize although that is hard to say since it's been a while since that was my job. If I wanted to go back into post secondary, shouldn't I be able to find something that peaks my interest?

I'm so lost right now about what I want to do with my life. Waiting and listening for God's direction is hard. And do I trust him to direct my life in ways I'd never expect? Do I trust him to work things out for His goodness?

I need to talk more to my heavenly Father instead of just living in my own "head space".

Below is a photo I took of the whiteboard at my church's College and Career's "Friday Night Event". (One hour of a study and the rest is social time).





I think it's really funny (even more so because I'm the one who wrote on the whiteboard :P).

I need to blog about this and get it off my mind so much.

On Sunday I shared my "real life story" in front of my church. I had prepared beforehand with a nicely typed up sheet a paper and bible in hand. It started out okay. Read the 3 small verses and starting my super short bio of how I got to the church. That was fine but when it came to sharing what God has been doing in my life lately I just started bawling. I couldn't stop crying and I knew I needed to get my story out so I did between blurry eyes and tears streaming down my face.

I don't remember much of what I said. I didn't see how many people were crying with me. I couldn't even tell you if I thought anything I said made any sense but apparently what I said hit home for a lot of people. My boss (who goes to my church) came up to me this morning and told me I even had him in tears! A grown man! Random people came up to me and thanked me for sharing, that what I said was powerful. And it kind of blew me away and still is....

I put my entire self out there to my church family. I was very vulnerable and my church showed me nothing but love and grace. How awesome is that? Not only did I show other people how human I am but I came away so encouraged!

How people see me at church has totally changed. People now know a ton more about me and it's almost a relief! Opens doors for conversations and relationships. This is not what I expected to happen but I couldn't be more thankful!

What a wonderful gift.

(Sorry mom & dad for not letting you know I was doing this but it was hard enough with one sister there! I was nervous enough! :) I know you love me and support me. What I shared on Sunday was nothing different than what you already know.)

I had a couple profound thoughts in church today, obviously provoked by the message given by my pastor.

Eternity. For some reason I've always thought of my life ending when I die. That the only life I have is the one I have now and eternity is just where I'll go with no memory of the life on earth. I don't think that's the case. I had this vivid image of taking my journey on earth and as another "being" in heaven, is given the task of guiding someone on earth through their journey. A bit much to take in but just a thought.

Control. I learned the great lesson of control this past year. Over and over again. It finally struck me head-on this morning that if you look at the big picture, we don't have much "control" over our lives at all. Yes we have free will, but can we control the weather that then impedes travel plans? Do we control when our cars start falling apart? Do we truly control our finances? I've started to give everything to God. My job (as totally out of my element as it is), my car (as repairs come along), my health (seriously, I have some odd health issues that are minor but still..) etc.

Christ is IN me. "For God wanted them to know that the riches and glory of Christ are for you Gentiles, too. And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory." (Colossians 1:27 NLT ) ***

Christ works THROUGH me. "God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God" (Romans 8:28 NLT).

I also received some "revelations" in the past couple weeks that have stuck with me so much. I am fine. I can relax. God is taking care of me. God took everything away from me and the big one was my PRIDE. Last January I was at my peak with my physical body, spiritually (or so I thought) and I loved my job (and was finally getting comfortable) and then it was gone. I lost so much of what I thought I was. Now I've been given a job that isn't my strong suit but is at a company that people envy. Interesting no? He took away my pride and reliance in and on anything. Teaching me that I lean too much on myself and what I think I control. Life is so much more "freeing" when you let go of the worry and rest it at Jesus' feet. I know it sounds easier said then done but I've learned the hard way! Over and over again :P

I have learned so much about life in the past year and I want to keep learning but maybe a bit more gently this coming year!

***This verse was pivotal in my understanding of what the Christian life is supposed to be about and I didn't hear it until 3 years ago. I wish more people would hear and understood this verse earlier in life.

I was told a while ago by a friend that it is rather sad that I do not have any dreams/aspirations.

I lied. Not intentionally but I guess holding back, afraid of being unrealistic.

There have always been "careers" in the back of my mind that I've thought about a tad bit over my life and for various reasons wrote them off.

- radio broadcasting (until I actually heard my voice recorded - Eek!)
- writer (I've written in journals my whole life, random bits of poetry but writing a novel? Um, about what?)

And recently I've really got to thinking about a career in the IT world. I'm not saying I want to go and learn JavaScript but I love working with computers, exploring new programs, problem solving, helping people learn programs, reading up on new trends and joining the ranks, etc.

Yesterday I had an appointment with an employment advisor and now I have a task ahead of me. After doing some testing I now have a list of careers that I could be/am interested in. Research now commences. By Friday I have to have a list of the top 5 careers I would possibly like to peruse.

#1 on my testing? Computer Training/Trainer.

Interesting.

To me if feels like I've been consistently banging my head against the wall in regards to my career. Doors keep slamming shut. Opportunities I get are either revoked last minute or the job isn't a good fit whatsoever. I've changed more jobs in the past 9 months than I have my entire life (it's a long story). All of this? Makes no sense to me.

I'm dream-less. Not in the sense of sleeping and having no dreams but the dreams people have for their lives. Goals, aspirations and direction? HA! Don't got any and don't how to acquire them. My parents never gave me (or my sibs) guidance when it came to career choices - not that makes it their fault i have no direction but having to figure everything out on my own is pretty tough.

How do I figure out what i want to do with my life? What is God telling me that I'm not hearing or taking the time to hear? I feel such a lack of understanding of my life right now that's super discouraging! I talked to a friend this morning that had me crying immediately (unbeknownst to him) because he pointed out that even if I got that job I wanted was it honestly where I wanted to end up? I didn't want to hear it! Not again! He was right on the money and I didn't want to deal with it.

It's like a never ending cycle where I think I have it figured out, I almost get a job and then I'm back to square one applying for jobs I really have no passion to even be wanting to work for. Now I have a crap p/t job because I need the money. Where does this leave me?

I'm tired of the crap. Yet I lack the ambition to figure out what I want do with my life. Does it scare the living daylights out of me that I'm so unsure of my future? HECK YES. Does it bother me that my life feels so out of sync for the past year? YES. Does it bug me that I can't afford things that I actually do need? Does it irritate me that I have to borrow money/have other people pay for groceries/food? YES, YES and YES.

This past month plus I've been more controlled when it comes to being so emotional yet I'm still at the same place in my heart and mind. WHAT AM I MISSING? I used to beg God to give me jobs that I applied for. This time I was quiet and waiting for things to work out in His time but here I am yet again.

What am I supposed to do? I don't want to switch jobs anymore unless it's where I'm supposed to be. I know people who have lost their jobs this week and feel God's peace about their future. Can I get some? I'm in this unending repetition of feeling that I'm not doing enough/good enough for God to work things out. That I've made too many wrong decisions lately that has screwed everything up. Why do I feel like I'm gonna go no where forever?

If you are praying for me, pray that I find guidance and direction. I so badly want to feel some sort of urge to try something new but it alludes me. UGH.

Today during the sermon my pastor mentioned my name in regards to facing crap in life we didn't expect and to quote "just ask Michelle, she went through 5 months of hell".   Now there's way to get people talking to me!  People hear that I went through and hell and are skeptical - what could be horrible that it was like hell?