Contemplations

To me if feels like I've been consistently banging my head against the wall in regards to my career. Doors keep slamming shut. Opportunities I get are either revoked last minute or the job isn't a good fit whatsoever. I've changed more jobs in the past 9 months than I have my entire life (it's a long story). All of this? Makes no sense to me.

I'm dream-less. Not in the sense of sleeping and having no dreams but the dreams people have for their lives. Goals, aspirations and direction? HA! Don't got any and don't how to acquire them. My parents never gave me (or my sibs) guidance when it came to career choices - not that makes it their fault i have no direction but having to figure everything out on my own is pretty tough.

How do I figure out what i want to do with my life? What is God telling me that I'm not hearing or taking the time to hear? I feel such a lack of understanding of my life right now that's super discouraging! I talked to a friend this morning that had me crying immediately (unbeknownst to him) because he pointed out that even if I got that job I wanted was it honestly where I wanted to end up? I didn't want to hear it! Not again! He was right on the money and I didn't want to deal with it.

It's like a never ending cycle where I think I have it figured out, I almost get a job and then I'm back to square one applying for jobs I really have no passion to even be wanting to work for. Now I have a crap p/t job because I need the money. Where does this leave me?

I'm tired of the crap. Yet I lack the ambition to figure out what I want do with my life. Does it scare the living daylights out of me that I'm so unsure of my future? HECK YES. Does it bother me that my life feels so out of sync for the past year? YES. Does it bug me that I can't afford things that I actually do need? Does it irritate me that I have to borrow money/have other people pay for groceries/food? YES, YES and YES.

This past month plus I've been more controlled when it comes to being so emotional yet I'm still at the same place in my heart and mind. WHAT AM I MISSING? I used to beg God to give me jobs that I applied for. This time I was quiet and waiting for things to work out in His time but here I am yet again.

What am I supposed to do? I don't want to switch jobs anymore unless it's where I'm supposed to be. I know people who have lost their jobs this week and feel God's peace about their future. Can I get some? I'm in this unending repetition of feeling that I'm not doing enough/good enough for God to work things out. That I've made too many wrong decisions lately that has screwed everything up. Why do I feel like I'm gonna go no where forever?

If you are praying for me, pray that I find guidance and direction. I so badly want to feel some sort of urge to try something new but it alludes me. UGH.