Why is it that sometimes we want something we cannot have? Like there is a moment you could seize the 'want' yet in the back of your mind you know it's not something you are allowed to have without consequences. In a blink of an eye you make that decision... sometimes regretfully and sometimes thankfully.
community, building, pastor, food, work, coffee, Jesus, worship, rules...
my answer: politics
my more "real" answers: rejection, unacceptance, cliques, feeling alone
This morning the sermon was about the church. What does it mean to us? The top line above was random answers by the congregation, second line was my contribution and the third line is self explainatory. During his whole sermon I just kept thinking about how much I know I'll never fit into the group of YA at my church. I'm not going to conform to their level. They claim to accept me for who I am yet I am not myself around them. Conversations are always so surface level and usually involving some crude comment, drinking of beer, bad jokes, loads amount of inside jokes between a select few... I SO long for community with people my age yet I can't seem to find it. Yes I have a group of friends but which are scattered across Ontario. Why is this so hard? I quit planning YA events at my church because I am so sick of the noncommitment from others, I'm tired of having expectations and being disappointed. How hard is it to be real? To care? I need to find a place/group where I can thrive and grow, have people to be accountable to, to be stretched, want to belong. Why did I take on the role of YA co-ordinator? Honestly.
I love my church but I don't love the lack of what I am searching for.