5.5 months of hell

Today during the sermon my pastor mentioned my name in regards to facing crap in life we didn't expect and to quote "just ask Michelle, she went through 5 months of hell".   Now there's way to get people talking to me!  People hear that I went through and hell and are skeptical - what could be horrible that it was like hell?  


Like I told some people today - at that time it felt like hell.  My entire life was turned upside down and shook about. To me it was the worst thing that has happened in my 23 years of life (excluding many deaths in the family).  I LOVED my job.  It was perfect for me - creative, administrative and books galore!  It was a huge blow to my identity in this world.  I had banked on that job for a good couple more years and in seconds my future was unknown.

I cried daily for about 4 months.  I cried myself to sleep, I cried on my way home after interviews, I cried driving to and fro temp jobs, I cried in the washroom on my breaks.  It was an extremely emotional time for me!  I was the stable one - had the good paying job, bought a car, always responsible financially, solid as a rock.  I was that no longer.  I was a wreck.  There were moments where I screamed bloody murder and was sobbing prostrate on the ground.  I was downright pissed off, anger, tired, annoyed and feeling very much alone.  Sadly my sister who I live with didn't know how to console me so I was pretty much on my own to deal with my outbursts.  No one knew how badly I was taking the job loss, I hid it well for quite sometime telling friends/family that I knew God would provide when deep in my heart I was crazy scared.  
Even today not many people knew what I was going through and I have such a hard time explaining what went on.  I was a walking, talking emotional time bomb, depressed beyond words and so sad.  I stopped caring about myself and my friends.  I was in this situation and that's all that mattered.  I was not myself at all. Smiling was forced and hearing me laugh was rare.  I hurt so much.  Honestly if it wasn't for my Pastor I think my hell would have lasted a lot longer.  He was brutal with reminding me who I was in Christ and what mattered at that moment.  Praying for my emotions - I can do that?  I learned to ask God what He was going to speak into my heart about and it was always the same:

I LOVE YOU.  You are mine.  Enjoy the day I have given you. Relax.  Love yourself as much as I love you.  

For so long I lived on my emotions and reacted on them.  I thought I knew what I wanted and I told God that constantly.  In the end I didn't get any of the jobs I wanted instead I'm where God wants me.  

I thought that suddenly my life would come together in one huge climatic event. Funny how God has different ideas. I thought that I would have so much to blog about from the last 6 months yet words allude me. It was a journey of journeys. It was the end of a beginning and a beginning to the rest of my life. God taught me so many things and I'm a wiser person because of it. Never have I shed so many tears in my life and even now tears come so easily. I was finding myself in the wrong way and in the wrong places. God defines me. Work, friends, church doesn't. Pride is an easy throne to sit on and the hardest to come off of. God will show His hand but only in His time no matter what we do. Life will change but Christ is ever present and the same, forever.

Below is a "snapshot" of a moment from the past 6 months:

Tear drops fall, splattering little marks on her pants. Chest heaving in sobs she cries in anguish. In complete desperation.

Don’t give up.
You are LOVED.

She falls on her knees, hands rubbing down her face. Whipping away the water rolling down her cheeks.

I LOVE you.
You are my daughter.

Audibly she talks aloud looking up towards the ceiling. Emotion wrapped around every word; anger, doubt, longing, desperation.

Come to Me.
My arms are open.

-----------------------

Also my pastor was a huge help in giving me encouragement and letting me cry...well I cried almost every time we spoke. Talk about crying on a drop of hat!

(7:11 PM) Pastor:

how about quit praying for the situation, and pray for intimacy?

(7:13 PM)

the screaming and running around means you have taken back control over your situation. Re-surrender is a gift the Holy Spirit gives us.....VERBALLY yell it out...I surrender control to you God, I will trust you with the OUTCOME of all this. Now God, with that said, let's get to know one another...what are you saying to my heart RIGHT NOW..."

(7:14 PM)

(when the stress hits again...you can yell out....WHOA! Wait a min emotions, I've surrendered that, back off. Quit messin' with my head. Father, address the emotional response, because I can't....now Father, back to what you are trying to say to me...

(7:16 PM) graceguycanada@yahoo.com:

here is what he will tell you Michelle, ..."I LOVE YOU, NOW...RECEIVE MY GENTLE LOVE, I WILL WORK IT OUT, GENTLY TAKE YOUR EYES OFF OF THE SITUATION AND PUT THEM ON ME, LOOK IN MY EYES, I LOVE YOU AND I ONLY HAVE THE BEST IN MIND FOR YOU, YOU ARE MINE, AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU....FOREVER!



That chapter on my life is closed. Nothing lost, much has been gained.

Summer evenings

There is something wonderful about watching the sun slowly fade into the night. The warm air wraps it's last breaths around the ground bringing with it a heavenly scent..trees, flowers, freshly trimmed grass. It tinkles the nose and absorbs into the lungs.
Dusk, it comes slowly and delicately letting us enjoy the sunshine for as long as possible.
Farewell bright day and welcome warm earthy night with all your mysteries.

(Inspired and written on June 24, 2008)

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