Sometimes I wish I were perfect although not a soul on this planet is.
Making mistakes really bugs me and usually puts a tamper on my mood because all mistakes have consequences. For the most part I don't have a problem admitting to doing something wrong but at the same time I hate the feeling of it being my fault....yet again. My heart starts pounding, my sorrounds become unfocused and I feel a heat flush rush up from my neck and my ears turn read.
Why is being un-perfect so hard sometimes? Why do I feel like making a mistake is really showing faults? And in some situations there could be reasons for mistakes - inadequate training, lapse of judgement, distractions, etc.
I guess this is God's way of keeping me humble?!?
Joshua 3
5 Then Joshua told the people, “Purify yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do great wonders among you.”
7 The Lord told Joshua, “Today I will begin to make you a great leader in the eyes of all the Israelites. They will know that I am with you, just as I was with Moses.
funk 1
n.
1. a. A state of cowardly fright; a panic.
b. A state of severe depression.
2. A cowardly, fearful person.
I'm not sure how much I agree to the definition of funk or at least my version of what being in a "funk" means.
I'm not severly depressed but I am to some extent:
-I'm snacking too much
-I crave sleep even though I'm getting more now than I have all summer
-I'm not exactly cheerful
-I've been really lazy in the last while
-I want to cry randomly
But I am in some sort of funk and I don't know why or even how to get out of it. I try to pray but I feel empty. In the past two weekends I have been inandated with so much soul food yet I have no desire to think about, process it and grow from it. I just want to stay at home, curled up in bed reading a book.
What is wrong with me? Why am I possibly depressed? Can I blame the weather? Am I just finally releasing stress that's been pent up all summer? Am I grieving about this Friday marks the three years since Aunt Rita died? (cripes, I just started tearing up).
I was told a couple weeks ago that I have potiental to grow up and become a "spiritual mom" but right now I feel like a fraud. I barely pray, or do devos. I hardly give God a second thought lately and it makes me feel guilty.
I know I need to get out of this state of whatever but I don't know how to start. Actually I know I need to pray about it but I have no desire but yet I need to.
I seem to be stuck in a cycle and I'm not happy. I'm not happy with myself internally or externally.
I need to break out,
the darkness is thickening.
My heart is heavy
and my eyes misting.
A burden sits on me,
smoothering my soul.
I cry,
weeping into the pillow.
Dear God,
What is wrong with me?
I yearn to break this cycle but patience aludes me.
-----
During church on Sunday I heard/thought came to mind:
"Just rest and the rest will come"
Could it be that simple?
WHY?
The question every little kid asks and us adults don't grow out of either, we just ask differently.
I'm filled with that question today and I have no answer. I'll never have an answer.
But that's okay because in the end, do I really need it?
This isn't an ordinary "deep thoughts" post but it's still honest.
I've been in a weird slump for the past two weeks and it's annoying the heck out of me! So much so that I've taken up going to the gym again.
Shocking!
It's been what? Since July?
UGH.
I went Tuesday night and kicked into high gear with 15min of power walking on the treadmill and 25 minutes of "weight loss" cycle on the Elliptical. Tonight I did another full amount of cardio with power walking and running for 25min burning almost 400 calories.
Now I'm tired and hungry!
I need energy back in my life and I know getting back on track with my fitness is key! When I was working out with a PT and started losing weight - I gained confidence and more self-esteem. I'm back to body hating and realizing my jeans are getting snug again.
It's crazy how in such a few short months I am almost back to square 1 in my fitness level! Near the end of my PT I was at an "athletic" level! That's a huge accomplishment for me! I can run? Leg press my body weight? Shoulder press 20lb weights? Leg curl 90lbs?
Step 1 b) Diet
-change eating habits again cutting down to 2 Starbucks drinks a month
-no starches at dinner
- protein 3 times a day (mix between bars and shakes)
- more veggies
-less dairy - only 1 yogurt a day
Step 2 Fitness Program
- go back to Body for Life program
- 3 day cardio, 3 day weight training
When I was seeing a PT before my goal was fitting better into a bridesmaid dress but even that goal wasn't met very well - I need encouragement and a goal. Feel free to give either or!
(next post, back to regular scheduled spiritual thoughts)
My soul is unsettled right now and I think I know why.
I gained a lot of knowledge this weekend, spiritually, and I think I'm afraid of how all of this could change me.
I need the change, I'm not sure why I'm resisting.
----
Side note: I love church meetings!! I always leave so encouraged. :)
I'm going thru somewhat of a depressed state. I have no motivation for anything! I need so badly to get back to the gym because I know it can totally change things around for me yet I haven't the energy to bother going. How messed is that? Plus I keep putting off going back night after night because I find other things to do which usually end up just me staring at a choice of two screens.
Spiritually I am in a funk. The last two days have been filled with intense grace filled training yet I can't be bothered to process any of it. Why? I have such a bad habit of letting myself lose trust when my life is a lot less stressed. No wonder God keeps bringing me to places of brokeness because I don't learn my lesson the first time.
I'm letting myself go on so many levels and I'm not sure how to turn around. I feel unhealthy, and I want the energy back I used to have!
I want to feel more ALIVE.
Today I realized that there is a certain person in my life that I am constantly staying connected to - which is great and all - but sometimes I think I do too much. I came to realize today that I keep this up because I'm afraid of losing my acceptance and connection with that person when I darn well know that wouldn't happen. I'm still afraid of rejecting and being forgotten.
How messed up is that? In the past I did that with relationships I knew were only for a season but why do I do this with friends who I know do care deeply about me and would never reject me?
This is not God in me, it's me in myself being afraid.
I need to process something here for a moment.
*breath*
I just finished reading a very intense novel - "Adam" by Ted Dekker and I'm mentally and physically still trying to re-cooperate. (I was seriously frozen on my bed as I read the last page). I'm blown away by Dekker's ability to write such a psychological yet spiritual novel based on such evil.
I don't want to give any of the plot away since the novel doesn't release until April of next year but I have a few warnings.
1. If you are scared of the dark, don't read this novel
2. Want a relaxing evening? Put this particular book down
3. In for a crazy intense thrilling novel? Sit down and start reading!
For the most part I've been a fan of Ted Dekker - especially the Black, Red and White trilogy but this book is in a category of it's own, in my opinion.
In such a world as today's, do I want to be aware of such evils? Or forever pull a toque over my eyes?
This past summer has finally caught up to me.
Hard.
Being so incredibly busy, dealing with family issues, being in a wedding, moving my parents and going through some major spiritual growth has really been challenging for me. I was stressed to the max without really realizing it.
I cracked.
On Friday evening I had to travel to my parents old place to help them pack. No big deal, really, but as I drove out of the city limits my eyes welled up and a tear slipped down my cheek. One tear after another, they cascaded down my face and I sobbed. Gut wretching sobs. Continously for about half an hour I just cried, I forced myself to stop so I wouldn't be upset in front of my already emotionally spent mother. Then on Saturday after saying farewell to my parents and driving away from my childhood home I cried again, before I could even turn onto the gravel road from the driveway.
Memories.
Leaving my childhood home was harder than I realized. So many memories attached to that house, the back bush, hours spent outside underneath the huge maple trees, playing in the sandbox, biking up and down the lane, road hockey with dad, sledding down the barn hill, picking beans, shoveling the carport, running for the bus, mowing the lawn, Sunday afternoons lying around the living room reading, curling up on the sun patches on the carpet, 21 Christmas eve's, holiday dinners, babysitting neighbourhood kids, shooting hoops, building forts in the basement, sitting in front of the woodstove, inhaling the smell of the country side, getting the mail, buying eggs from the house across the road, canning peaches and strawberries, family reunions on my birthday, tinkering on the piano, cranking the tunes, chores every Saturday, breaking my arm doing dishes, bonfires, the teeter totter, sitting on the front steps.... I'm going to miss that place more than I want to admit.
A new season.
God has take me and molded me even more in the past 6 months than I could have ever thought. I needed it. It changed be and I have begin to let go of so many things. I want to be continously challenged because I don't want to stay the same - I want to be who God wants me to be. I'm ready.
My prayer.
Take me as I am now, I am me, loved, accepted and saved by the grace of God. My life is yours Jesus, forever.
AMEN.