I'm really depressed tonight...I even got out of the house to be around people but it didn't work because my entire life right now is on hold. I HATE BEING UNEMPLOYED. There isn't a moment in the day I don't think about the fact that I'm jobless and have bills that need to be paid. I'm so tired of this being my entire life right now. I have nothing to talk about except that I can't seem to find a job.
I hurt so bad and I cry a lot. I keep up a face so much around people because I don't want anyone knowing how much I'm struggling. Or how disrupted my life has become...
I cried myself into a nap this afternoon begging God to take care of me. I feel so neglected and alone. People keep reminding that God has something big in store for me but I fail to see it.
I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of being sick, I'm sick of being home all day, I'm sick of my life right now.
I'm tired and sick. This is not a good combo.
Tired of being at home day after day, feeling very much alone and useless. 4 weeks I have been unemployed and I'm not doing well at all. Why? Last year was really rough on me and now this? I had written in my journal in the fall that God must be preparing me for something big but I didn't think it would be this. I've applied for a ton of jobs but nothing, NOTHING. And I hate that this is all my life is about now. Having to explain to everyone I know that I'm still not working. It hurts. My career was a major party of my identity and now it's gone.
All I can do is trust God in all of this but I'm having such a hard time doing so. And will it take me completely trusting him for me to get a job? Stupid legalistic mindset! Leave me! I have so much doubt yet I know that when I got my job 3.5 yrs ago it was an answer to prayer so why do I doubt? I know He provides but I won't let myself believe it again. But I have to!
So many people have said/passed on such amazing encouragement and I need to keep reminding myself:
"I know that God has a beautiful plan for the details of your life. Your attitude about this is so honouring to God. "
I have emails and a card chuck full of beautiful words from friends and old co-workers. I worked with some amazing people who have helped me become who I am and I miss them dearly.
Honestly I don't know if I can take any more heart break. I spent the fall healing from a very intense year and now again I'm.....upset, crying, hurting, and trying to see what God is doing in my life.