authentic smile

I'm changing, again. My heart has broke so much over the past year and I know that God is slowly healing me over time. He told me to rest in His arms and I'm starting to without even trying.

My priorities in life are taking a turn too. I'm building more relationships that are genuine and honest. I LOVE it.

There are so many things I still need to unlearn and work through but I'm getting there in God's time.

*A thought just popped in my head after I hit post the first time - I've stopped relying on the same people to help me get through situations - Christ is becoming the shoulder for me to cry on.

i am ugly betty

I could never put my finger on why I love the show "Ugly Betty" so much but it hit me tonight while I was watching the last episode I missed.

I am Ugly Betty.

Betty: "I'm always the sensible one! I should be able to take a risk"
(paraphrased b/c my memory isn't that good)

In the past 3 years of my life I have always been the one with my head on straight. Always I think about how what I do affects everyone around me. Everyday I consider what my actions show about who I am. My thoughts fill with things of stability and security. I never take risks. I stay the same in life afraid to let go, afraid that others will fail without my stronghold of having my head on straight. Always the pillow but do you know what?? I want to rip that pillow and watch the feathers swirl in the air as I angrily tear the seam apart. I don't have it all together, never have!!

I went to college because my sisters did. I picked the only program I knew I could at least pass because I know I am not smart in math or science. After college I moved in with my sister because she needed a roommate and I didn't want to stay at home. I stayed unemployed that summer because I didn't try hard at getting a job. It took me four months to realize that I wasn't ready for the work world and ruined my summer. I work hard at my job and started settling down. I got promoted, which in turn I bought a car and now it's 3.25 years later. Do I know what I want with my life?

NO!

And I never have! I have no dreams or aspirations. Well I dream about things I know could never be a reality. What am I to achieve? What am I to become? I've grown up so much in the past 3 years - professionally and spiritually but for what?

Here I sit at my computer pounding the crap out of my keyboard writing this and again, for what?? Who's my audience besides my family and a select few other friends? I want to write like no one understands. I have such a passion for writing from my heart. I want people to hear my life, what struggling really means. To be honest with each other instead of hiding in our own little worlds only coming out to have relationships when we want them.

I want love! Love beyond all love. I want someone to come home to and cry on their shoulder. To have support physically, emotionally and spiritually. I want to stop always being the strong one. I want people to see I am real, I have feelings and I cry, a LOT! I am bawling right now and my heart is pounding in my head so bad it feels like it wants to explode.

I don't know what else to do right now. I don't know what's next. I know that Christ is the centre of my life but right now I'm so lost. I've given up talking to people about my spiritual life and I don't know why. I'm afraid of people seeing me lose it yet I sit at home alone sometimes and just sob uncontrollably. There were moments this summer I was driving in my car with tears just streaming down my face.

I can't continue like this because it's slowly killing me inside. I need people, I need counsel, I need encouragement, I need affirmation, I need relationships. I need to stop wearing this mask. I want people to see the real me - the hurt me, the happy me, the beauty inside of me, the love inside of me. I want people to finally see ME even if I don't really know who I am entirely. So here I am....

...broken like fragile glass.

I have touched on this topic before in a quote I came across but again it's popping up in my life. What is true maturity?

"1: the quality or state of being mature; especially : full development
2: termination of the period that an obligation has to run"

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/maturity

Is it so freak'n wrong to act beyond one persons own age?

Romans 8:6

Romans 8:6

6 So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%208:6%20;&version=51;

association

Association is a funny thing, actually more fascinating than anything else.

Example 1:

This morning I slipped on a ring that was given to me by my late Aunt Rita a month before she passed on. I wear the ring once in a while - sometimes as a reminder, other times it just matches the outfit. It's a beautiful gold band ring with a raised retangular blue stone and inscripted with "Love Aunt Rita, 2004". It's been 3 years last month since she died at the age of 51 to brain cancer.

Association - when I put the ring on this morning I thought about something an old roommmates dad said to me - "With that much cancer in your family, no one will ever want to marry you". Freak'n ouch eh? I haven't thought about that moment in a long time and I don't plan on dwelling on it. Jerk.

Example 2:

I have a hard time memorizing scripture. Why? As a kid I attend AWANA at a local bible chapel and what was the main thing we did to get rewarded? Memorize scripture and LOTS of it in...wait for it....King James Version. It's taken me a long time to even appreciate the thought of memorizing scripture again for more reasons that it just being an old school translation but how much I was forced to memorize scripture and the expectations from my mom. All I can say is, thanks goodness for the NLT.

Example 3:

Easy listening music. Any time I hear easy listening music (especially a song I know from the '80's and early 90's) I am transported back to many a times as a child sitting in the car listening to music while mom went shopping (it alwasy felt like FOREVER).

Example 4:

Christmas music - especially certain songs I flash back to many good memories of Christam and I long for them all over again. Even right now there is Christmas music playing in the office and it makes me want Christmas!

Like I said association with things are very interesting...

Last night I had a thought/idea come to mind and I want to persue this. I'm going to run with it and see where it takes me. I'm going to be vague because I get ideas quite often but they don't usually go anywhere/I forget about them.

So, if anything becomes of this idea I will spill but for now...it's your guess. :P

breakfast soul food

Romans 8:26-28 (New Living Translation)

26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers[a] in harmony with God’s own will. 28 And we know that God causes everything to work together[b] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

It's that time of year ago -well getting there in just a few short weeks.

I absolutely LOVE Christmas but sometimes I really dread mass gatherings. Office events involving everyone and their spouse (who's the only single?), family gatherings where anyone over the age of 20 is already married (and probably a kid on the way)...

In no means am I desperate for a "better half", just situations like this sometimes poke a little at my emo heart.

October has been a grace rich month and so is the beginning of this month.

I'm currently attending the Grace Walk Conference again for the second time and I'm still grasping more truths and understanding

More thoughts to come....

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