Contemplations

I could never put my finger on why I love the show "Ugly Betty" so much but it hit me tonight while I was watching the last episode I missed.

I am Ugly Betty.

Betty: "I'm always the sensible one! I should be able to take a risk"
(paraphrased b/c my memory isn't that good)

In the past 3 years of my life I have always been the one with my head on straight. Always I think about how what I do affects everyone around me. Everyday I consider what my actions show about who I am. My thoughts fill with things of stability and security. I never take risks. I stay the same in life afraid to let go, afraid that others will fail without my stronghold of having my head on straight. Always the pillow but do you know what?? I want to rip that pillow and watch the feathers swirl in the air as I angrily tear the seam apart. I don't have it all together, never have!!

I went to college because my sisters did. I picked the only program I knew I could at least pass because I know I am not smart in math or science. After college I moved in with my sister because she needed a roommate and I didn't want to stay at home. I stayed unemployed that summer because I didn't try hard at getting a job. It took me four months to realize that I wasn't ready for the work world and ruined my summer. I work hard at my job and started settling down. I got promoted, which in turn I bought a car and now it's 3.25 years later. Do I know what I want with my life?

NO!

And I never have! I have no dreams or aspirations. Well I dream about things I know could never be a reality. What am I to achieve? What am I to become? I've grown up so much in the past 3 years - professionally and spiritually but for what?

Here I sit at my computer pounding the crap out of my keyboard writing this and again, for what?? Who's my audience besides my family and a select few other friends? I want to write like no one understands. I have such a passion for writing from my heart. I want people to hear my life, what struggling really means. To be honest with each other instead of hiding in our own little worlds only coming out to have relationships when we want them.

I want love! Love beyond all love. I want someone to come home to and cry on their shoulder. To have support physically, emotionally and spiritually. I want to stop always being the strong one. I want people to see I am real, I have feelings and I cry, a LOT! I am bawling right now and my heart is pounding in my head so bad it feels like it wants to explode.

I don't know what else to do right now. I don't know what's next. I know that Christ is the centre of my life but right now I'm so lost. I've given up talking to people about my spiritual life and I don't know why. I'm afraid of people seeing me lose it yet I sit at home alone sometimes and just sob uncontrollably. There were moments this summer I was driving in my car with tears just streaming down my face.

I can't continue like this because it's slowly killing me inside. I need people, I need counsel, I need encouragement, I need affirmation, I need relationships. I need to stop wearing this mask. I want people to see the real me - the hurt me, the happy me, the beauty inside of me, the love inside of me. I want people to finally see ME even if I don't really know who I am entirely. So here I am....

...broken like fragile glass.