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renewal

God does keep transforming us even in the midst of feeling very much alone, even more so when we don't even ask in our selfish prayers. God knew what I needed to read today and it's refreshed me yet again.

The last couple months have been a blur of many struggles and tears. It was a "season" for me of what I'm not quite sure but I feel that it's over. Greater things are coming and He has prepared me for it. I cannot ask what but I feel deep inside that things are going to change and evolve.

Christ in me. Forever!

I saw the sign(s)

There have been moments in the past few days that I've really noticed God's handiwork and sometimes it makes me chuckle.

I'm indecisive about moving and keep sending requests to God to help me decided. And what happens within a few minutes? Obnoxious neighbours above us having a loud party that did not end until after midnight. (One big reason I want out of an apartment building - noise level).

I was feeling let down by someone and within two days the person called me to get together.

Had a coffee break with my pastor and he reminded me to keep discovering God's love for me. And what is on the calendar that I just received as a present? "God is for you". The Lord your God loves you". Hmmm. (Except the calendar came from my pastor....)

I love today, it's been a great day.

i just don't know

I feel like I'm in un-ending funk. I don't know how to get out of this and move on. I'm tired, worn out, emotional and feeling really lonely. I've been a horrible friend to people for the past while - I don't keep in contact, I don't even appear online half the time even tho I'm at home sitting in front of my computer doing nothing. I'm avoiding certain people and I don't know why!!

There is so much stuff I need to do and I lack all motivation. I feel so horribly guilty right now and am pretty much able to cry at the drop of a hat.

I don't know what the hell is going on but all I know is that I need.....someone to pick up my pieces and help me back up.

authentic smile

I'm changing, again. My heart has broke so much over the past year and I know that God is slowly healing me over time. He told me to rest in His arms and I'm starting to without even trying.

My priorities in life are taking a turn too. I'm building more relationships that are genuine and honest. I LOVE it.

There are so many things I still need to unlearn and work through but I'm getting there in God's time.

*A thought just popped in my head after I hit post the first time - I've stopped relying on the same people to help me get through situations - Christ is becoming the shoulder for me to cry on.

i am ugly betty

I could never put my finger on why I love the show "Ugly Betty" so much but it hit me tonight while I was watching the last episode I missed.

I am Ugly Betty.

Betty: "I'm always the sensible one! I should be able to take a risk"
(paraphrased b/c my memory isn't that good)

In the past 3 years of my life I have always been the one with my head on straight. Always I think about how what I do affects everyone around me. Everyday I consider what my actions show about who I am. My thoughts fill with things of stability and security. I never take risks. I stay the same in life afraid to let go, afraid that others will fail without my stronghold of having my head on straight. Always the pillow but do you know what?? I want to rip that pillow and watch the feathers swirl in the air as I angrily tear the seam apart. I don't have it all together, never have!!

I went to college because my sisters did. I picked the only program I knew I could at least pass because I know I am not smart in math or science. After college I moved in with my sister because she needed a roommate and I didn't want to stay at home. I stayed unemployed that summer because I didn't try hard at getting a job. It took me four months to realize that I wasn't ready for the work world and ruined my summer. I work hard at my job and started settling down. I got promoted, which in turn I bought a car and now it's 3.25 years later. Do I know what I want with my life?

NO!

And I never have! I have no dreams or aspirations. Well I dream about things I know could never be a reality. What am I to achieve? What am I to become? I've grown up so much in the past 3 years - professionally and spiritually but for what?

Here I sit at my computer pounding the crap out of my keyboard writing this and again, for what?? Who's my audience besides my family and a select few other friends? I want to write like no one understands. I have such a passion for writing from my heart. I want people to hear my life, what struggling really means. To be honest with each other instead of hiding in our own little worlds only coming out to have relationships when we want them.

I want love! Love beyond all love. I want someone to come home to and cry on their shoulder. To have support physically, emotionally and spiritually. I want to stop always being the strong one. I want people to see I am real, I have feelings and I cry, a LOT! I am bawling right now and my heart is pounding in my head so bad it feels like it wants to explode.

I don't know what else to do right now. I don't know what's next. I know that Christ is the centre of my life but right now I'm so lost. I've given up talking to people about my spiritual life and I don't know why. I'm afraid of people seeing me lose it yet I sit at home alone sometimes and just sob uncontrollably. There were moments this summer I was driving in my car with tears just streaming down my face.

I can't continue like this because it's slowly killing me inside. I need people, I need counsel, I need encouragement, I need affirmation, I need relationships. I need to stop wearing this mask. I want people to see the real me - the hurt me, the happy me, the beauty inside of me, the love inside of me. I want people to finally see ME even if I don't really know who I am entirely. So here I am....

...broken like fragile glass.

I have touched on this topic before in a quote I came across but again it's popping up in my life. What is true maturity?

"1: the quality or state of being mature; especially : full development
2: termination of the period that an obligation has to run"

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/maturity

Is it so freak'n wrong to act beyond one persons own age?

Romans 8:6

Romans 8:6

6 So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%208:6%20;&version=51;

association

Association is a funny thing, actually more fascinating than anything else.

Example 1:

This morning I slipped on a ring that was given to me by my late Aunt Rita a month before she passed on. I wear the ring once in a while - sometimes as a reminder, other times it just matches the outfit. It's a beautiful gold band ring with a raised retangular blue stone and inscripted with "Love Aunt Rita, 2004". It's been 3 years last month since she died at the age of 51 to brain cancer.

Association - when I put the ring on this morning I thought about something an old roommmates dad said to me - "With that much cancer in your family, no one will ever want to marry you". Freak'n ouch eh? I haven't thought about that moment in a long time and I don't plan on dwelling on it. Jerk.

Example 2:

I have a hard time memorizing scripture. Why? As a kid I attend AWANA at a local bible chapel and what was the main thing we did to get rewarded? Memorize scripture and LOTS of it in...wait for it....King James Version. It's taken me a long time to even appreciate the thought of memorizing scripture again for more reasons that it just being an old school translation but how much I was forced to memorize scripture and the expectations from my mom. All I can say is, thanks goodness for the NLT.

Example 3:

Easy listening music. Any time I hear easy listening music (especially a song I know from the '80's and early 90's) I am transported back to many a times as a child sitting in the car listening to music while mom went shopping (it alwasy felt like FOREVER).

Example 4:

Christmas music - especially certain songs I flash back to many good memories of Christam and I long for them all over again. Even right now there is Christmas music playing in the office and it makes me want Christmas!

Like I said association with things are very interesting...

Last night I had a thought/idea come to mind and I want to persue this. I'm going to run with it and see where it takes me. I'm going to be vague because I get ideas quite often but they don't usually go anywhere/I forget about them.

So, if anything becomes of this idea I will spill but for now...it's your guess. :P

breakfast soul food

Romans 8:26-28 (New Living Translation)

26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers[a] in harmony with God’s own will. 28 And we know that God causes everything to work together[b] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

It's that time of year ago -well getting there in just a few short weeks.

I absolutely LOVE Christmas but sometimes I really dread mass gatherings. Office events involving everyone and their spouse (who's the only single?), family gatherings where anyone over the age of 20 is already married (and probably a kid on the way)...

In no means am I desperate for a "better half", just situations like this sometimes poke a little at my emo heart.

October has been a grace rich month and so is the beginning of this month.

I'm currently attending the Grace Walk Conference again for the second time and I'm still grasping more truths and understanding

More thoughts to come....

un-perfect

Sometimes I wish I were perfect although not a soul on this planet is.

Making mistakes really bugs me and usually puts a tamper on my mood because all mistakes have consequences. For the most part I don't have a problem admitting to doing something wrong but at the same time I hate the feeling of it being my fault....yet again. My heart starts pounding, my sorrounds become unfocused and I feel a heat flush rush up from my neck and my ears turn read.

Why is being un-perfect so hard sometimes? Why do I feel like making a mistake is really showing faults? And in some situations there could be reasons for mistakes - inadequate training, lapse of judgement, distractions, etc.

I guess this is God's way of keeping me humble?!?

Great Wonders

Joshua 3

5 Then Joshua told the people, “Purify yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do great wonders among you.”

7 The Lord told Joshua, “Today I will begin to make you a great leader in the eyes of all the Israelites. They will know that I am with you, just as I was with Moses.

funk 1

n.
1. a. A state of cowardly fright; a panic.
b. A state of severe depression.
2. A cowardly, fearful person.


I'm not sure how much I agree to the definition of funk or at least my version of what being in a "funk" means.

I'm not severly depressed but I am to some extent:
-I'm snacking too much
-I crave sleep even though I'm getting more now than I have all summer
-I'm not exactly cheerful
-I've been really lazy in the last while
-I want to cry randomly

But I am in some sort of funk and I don't know why or even how to get out of it. I try to pray but I feel empty. In the past two weekends I have been inandated with so much soul food yet I have no desire to think about, process it and grow from it. I just want to stay at home, curled up in bed reading a book.

What is wrong with me? Why am I possibly depressed? Can I blame the weather? Am I just finally releasing stress that's been pent up all summer? Am I grieving about this Friday marks the three years since Aunt Rita died? (cripes, I just started tearing up).

I was told a couple weeks ago that I have potiental to grow up and become a "spiritual mom" but right now I feel like a fraud. I barely pray, or do devos. I hardly give God a second thought lately and it makes me feel guilty.

I know I need to get out of this state of whatever but I don't know how to start. Actually I know I need to pray about it but I have no desire but yet I need to.

I seem to be stuck in a cycle and I'm not happy. I'm not happy with myself internally or externally.

I need to break out,
the darkness is thickening.
My heart is heavy
and my eyes misting.
A burden sits on me,
smoothering my soul.
I cry,
weeping into the pillow.

Dear God,
What is wrong with me?

I yearn to break this cycle but patience aludes me.
-----
During church on Sunday I heard/thought came to mind:

"Just rest and the rest will come"

Could it be that simple?

WHY?

The question every little kid asks and us adults don't grow out of either, we just ask differently.

I'm filled with that question today and I have no answer. I'll never have an answer.

But that's okay because in the end, do I really need it?

breaking a sweat

This isn't an ordinary "deep thoughts" post but it's still honest.

I've been in a weird slump for the past two weeks and it's annoying the heck out of me! So much so that I've taken up going to the gym again.

Shocking!

It's been what? Since July?

UGH.

I went Tuesday night and kicked into high gear with 15min of power walking on the treadmill and 25 minutes of "weight loss" cycle on the Elliptical. Tonight I did another full amount of cardio with power walking and running for 25min burning almost 400 calories.

Now I'm tired and hungry!

I need energy back in my life and I know getting back on track with my fitness is key! When I was working out with a PT and started losing weight - I gained confidence and more self-esteem. I'm back to body hating and realizing my jeans are getting snug again.

It's crazy how in such a few short months I am almost back to square 1 in my fitness level! Near the end of my PT I was at an "athletic" level! That's a huge accomplishment for me! I can run? Leg press my body weight? Shoulder press 20lb weights? Leg curl 90lbs?

Step 1 b) Diet
-change eating habits again cutting down to 2 Starbucks drinks a month
-no starches at dinner
- protein 3 times a day (mix between bars and shakes)
- more veggies
-less dairy - only 1 yogurt a day

Step 2 Fitness Program
- go back to Body for Life program
- 3 day cardio, 3 day weight training

When I was seeing a PT before my goal was fitting better into a bridesmaid dress but even that goal wasn't met very well - I need encouragement and a goal. Feel free to give either or!

(next post, back to regular scheduled spiritual thoughts)

My soul is unsettled right now and I think I know why.

I gained a lot of knowledge this weekend, spiritually, and I think I'm afraid of how all of this could change me.

I need the change, I'm not sure why I'm resisting.

----

Side note: I love church meetings!! I always leave so encouraged. :)

i need chocolate

I'm going thru somewhat of a depressed state. I have no motivation for anything! I need so badly to get back to the gym because I know it can totally change things around for me yet I haven't the energy to bother going. How messed is that? Plus I keep putting off going back night after night because I find other things to do which usually end up just me staring at a choice of two screens.

Spiritually I am in a funk. The last two days have been filled with intense grace filled training yet I can't be bothered to process any of it. Why? I have such a bad habit of letting myself lose trust when my life is a lot less stressed. No wonder God keeps bringing me to places of brokeness because I don't learn my lesson the first time.

I'm letting myself go on so many levels and I'm not sure how to turn around. I feel unhealthy, and I want the energy back I used to have!

I want to feel more ALIVE.

Today I realized that there is a certain person in my life that I am constantly staying connected to - which is great and all - but sometimes I think I do too much. I came to realize today that I keep this up because I'm afraid of losing my acceptance and connection with that person when I darn well know that wouldn't happen. I'm still afraid of rejecting and being forgotten.

How messed up is that? In the past I did that with relationships I knew were only for a season but why do I do this with friends who I know do care deeply about me and would never reject me?

This is not God in me, it's me in myself being afraid.

Adam and EVE

I need to process something here for a moment.

*breath*

I just finished reading a very intense novel - "Adam" by Ted Dekker and I'm mentally and physically still trying to re-cooperate. (I was seriously frozen on my bed as I read the last page). I'm blown away by Dekker's ability to write such a psychological yet spiritual novel based on such evil.

I don't want to give any of the plot away since the novel doesn't release until April of next year but I have a few warnings.

1. If you are scared of the dark, don't read this novel
2. Want a relaxing evening? Put this particular book down
3. In for a crazy intense thrilling novel? Sit down and start reading!

For the most part I've been a fan of Ted Dekker - especially the Black, Red and White trilogy but this book is in a category of it's own, in my opinion.

In such a world as today's, do I want to be aware of such evils? Or forever pull a toque over my eyes?

This past summer has finally caught up to me.

Hard.

Being so incredibly busy, dealing with family issues, being in a wedding, moving my parents and going through some major spiritual growth has really been challenging for me. I was stressed to the max without really realizing it.

I cracked.

On Friday evening I had to travel to my parents old place to help them pack. No big deal, really, but as I drove out of the city limits my eyes welled up and a tear slipped down my cheek. One tear after another, they cascaded down my face and I sobbed. Gut wretching sobs. Continously for about half an hour I just cried, I forced myself to stop so I wouldn't be upset in front of my already emotionally spent mother. Then on Saturday after saying farewell to my parents and driving away from my childhood home I cried again, before I could even turn onto the gravel road from the driveway.

Memories.

Leaving my childhood home was harder than I realized. So many memories attached to that house, the back bush, hours spent outside underneath the huge maple trees, playing in the sandbox, biking up and down the lane, road hockey with dad, sledding down the barn hill, picking beans, shoveling the carport, running for the bus, mowing the lawn, Sunday afternoons lying around the living room reading, curling up on the sun patches on the carpet, 21 Christmas eve's, holiday dinners, babysitting neighbourhood kids, shooting hoops, building forts in the basement, sitting in front of the woodstove, inhaling the smell of the country side, getting the mail, buying eggs from the house across the road, canning peaches and strawberries, family reunions on my birthday, tinkering on the piano, cranking the tunes, chores every Saturday, breaking my arm doing dishes, bonfires, the teeter totter, sitting on the front steps.... I'm going to miss that place more than I want to admit.

A new season.

God has take me and molded me even more in the past 6 months than I could have ever thought. I needed it. It changed be and I have begin to let go of so many things. I want to be continously challenged because I don't want to stay the same - I want to be who God wants me to be. I'm ready.

My prayer.

Take me as I am now, I am me, loved, accepted and saved by the grace of God. My life is yours Jesus, forever.

AMEN.

I love my life.
This weekend has taught me how much I love who I am.
This is me, I will be myself.

(more self-reflection to come)

Why in the world did you come after me?

Thank you, thank you.

Words aren’t enough, but for now I can say

Thank you, thank you.

(Thank You, Sanctus Real)

I have had an incredible journey this week discovering truths about myself and it’s been well, humbling to say the least. God is continuously shaping me into a new person with Christ as my core identity. I thought I had already experienced the freedom of God's Grace but I think this week I got a huge refreshing gulp.


This is me, and I'm learning to love who I am...becoming.

God has me on some incredible journey and my heart just explodes with emotion.


In the past 4 days I have discovered more about myself than I ever thought I could. I am finally free! Free of another flesh pattern I clung to without even realizing it. What a feeling!

God is good? All the time.


Perspective is a funny thing.
----------
In the art of language:

I always speak too fast and the other day I was reminded again that it’s still an issue.

I want to be mad. I want to think that I’ve made progress in the last year. It’s a speech issue that is going and is so hard to break! To me, I seem to talk fine and my brain processes what I say so why can't anyone else?

I did some research today and came across this paragraph:

“Many people with social anxiety are so anxious and wound up when we have to speak to someone or talk on the phone that we end up talking way too fast. Then, that faster speech just feeds back and can lead to more anxious thoughts and feelings and of course the cycle continues. It is also very hard to communicate with others when you speak so fast.” http://www.anxiousliving.com/2006/06/29/slow-talk/#more-53

I wouldn't say that currently I suffer from social anxiety but it makes sense to why I have become a speed talker. Growing up I was so insecure, quiet and when I spoke it was fast because if I didn't say it fast, no one heard me (or so I thought). And now, I'm more confident but still struggle with the mumbling talking fast thing. When I get comfortable around people I know I forget that my jaw moves a mile a minute...

I need help to break this habit but it's going to take a long time and lots of patience.
-----

The emotional side:

"well, the most I've seen is you get upset, but mask it well, i've never seen anything besides michelle's unbreakable calm veneer"

Wow. Um. Holy crap? But how true that is.


Perspective of yourself from other people is humbling to say the least. It makes me realize that I'm not exactly who I think I am. I can't believe I hide things so well when sometimes I'm hurting something fierce inside. Walls? Yup, I got those and for a reason. Slowly I'm removing a brick at a time.

Thank God for blessing me with people in my life patient enough to teach me about myself.

God's Timing

"You hear about God's timing so much, you don't give it any thought until the next miracle sneaks over and smacks you upside the head"

(My Soul to Keep, Davis Bunn, page 105)

Maturity

"Being an authentic Christian has nothing to do with building a successful career, having a nice family, and mastering the mechanics of daily life. Maturity has far more to do with courageously tackling the deep questions of the heart, struggling with ourselves and with God, and finding out who we are really made to be."

http://relevantmagazine.com/releblog/relationships/why-does-god-take-so-long

This is my "gold nugget" for today. A topic that has been on my mind a lot lately - this helps me understand myself just a little more. :)

I touched base on this topic on my last post but this came up in conversation today at church.

Hearing the voice of God.

Do we hear the voice of God and ignore it? Do we put thoughts in our own minds thinking that we do hear Him but it's actually us? How long do you wait for answer? Do ever miss His voice? And does He only talk to us about "big things"? Is our intuition maybe more God driven than we think?

What if we make a decision that we feel God is leading us towards but events keep happening postponing the final word? I've been told and I know that sometimes when we make wrong choices God will still use them for a purpose. Or that that was the way the situation was to happen.

So how much are we supposed to analyze or rethink or keep asking God about? Ultimately is the decision ours and we face the consequences if we don't wait to hear God's answer? What if we think we do hear it?

And what do you pray for? A sign? Spoken word? What if we miss all the signals?

Again all of this boils down to letting God take our entire life and everything in it - giving up control and relying on Him.

When will we ever start to listen to God's voice? I heard him distinctly today yet ignored Him and what happened? Consequences. I used to think it was more gut instinct that gave me these thoughts but I'm learning more and more that God does communicate with me even if I'm not expecting Him to.

This journey I'm on? I so hit a very deep puddle today but am back out of the puddle...dripping wet but an enlightened and changed. My family and myself are going through challenge after challenge yet we are still sticking together.

Like Carol Kent mentioned last night - make a gratitude list. And I am. And the list keeps growing!! Thank God for the body of Christ and the family members it offers.

Points to remember:

"you just keep your focus on HIM and remember HE is living your life for you as YOU"

"This is what the body of Christ does, we live CHRIST TO one another.....
it doesn't stop!!!!"

"...what happens when you squeeze and orange? orange juice comes out.....
you are being squeezed.....what is coming out......? Jesus"

Oh Lord you're beautiful, your face is all I seek! For when your eyes are on this child, your grace abounds to me.

poet-ess

I'm tired.
Take this burden from me.
Lift my spirits
because I'm feeling crushed.

I NEED you more than I need life.

Carefree, wind swirling,
laughter bubbling out of my mouth like a stream.
Floating, tip toeing across the sky,
Soaring above the world, absent of thought.

slowly dropping back to earth,
please catch me before I fall.

http://www.churchmarketingsucks.com/archives/2007/06/wheres_the_chur_1.html

It's interesting to read what people think about churches using secular hip trends...and reading some comments people left at the end of the article....some are laughable. I don't understand why churches aren't always looking for the newest hottest ways to communicate - to me it only makes sense. You want to reach people? Use what everyone else is! And where else do most people nowadays get their info? INTERNET. We live in a ME generation, go with it! It's that same for the Christian book market - we need to catch up with the secular world and live in today, not last year. Why is it that it seems like the Christian "world" is always one step behind??

Another point - social interaction right now is heavily saturated online as opposed to face to face. So it is always better to talk to a person face to face but socially that isn't happening much anymore and being against facebook isn't going to change that. And in conclusion of such when you talk to people in person now, facebook is a hot discussion! So guess what that means? Get on the bandwagon and GO!

Just like people's fear of change - get over it! Life is constantly changing if you like it or not! And yes sometimes change can bring different outcomes than what we want but isn't that the part of learning? How can we keep maturing if we don't let ourselves/lives to change? I don't think people are afraid of change but of losing control.

summer night

Inhale. Warm sweet summer air.
A hand reaches up palms facing the heavens.
Head tilts up, eyes close.

Jesus, my Saviour.
You pick me up out of this grave.
Your life breaths into me.
Beautiful, beautiful is my image of you.




You are everything.
What my heart longs for.
What my heart aches for.
Fill me Jesus with your love forever.

I will run to you with arms open wide
Sun beaming, breaking through the clouds.

Well I could sing unending songs
Of how you saved my soul
I could dance a thousand miles
Because of your great love

My heart is bursting Lord to

To tell of all you've done
Of how've you changed my life
And wiped away the past

Well, I want to shout it out
From every roof top sing
For now I know
That God is for me, not against me
(Happy Song - Chris Tomlin)

This morning I woke to this song seriously blasting in my head...and I'm talking just in my head, no one else could hear it. And this song? One of my favourite songs from camp...*sigh*

Ecclesiastes 3:
10 I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. 11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time.

Ecclesiastes 5:
18 Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life. 19 And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—this is indeed a gift from God. 20 God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past.

What a great book of the bible! Not exactly the most light-hearted or full of happiness but filled with a person's frustration on the world and our role in it. For me this was a very timely read.

(Chapters copied from www.biblegateway.com)

Is growing up a state of mind or circumstancial?
What makes a person a grown up? The legal age? Life Experiences? Maturity?

And once we are a grown up do we stay a grownup?

Can we grow up too fast and miss out on some things in life? Would God allow that? In today's society what defines grown up status? A car? Good job? Responsibilities?

A friend and I went out for bubble tea the other night and we got talking about where our lives had taken us. And after a bit of me explaining my story she said "it must have been hard growing up so quickly!". I wanted to hug the girl! Someone who is sympathetic and almost understanding of why sometimes I struggle with how "grown up" I have to be at times because of my circumstances in life.

But am I as grown up as I think I am?

i need a bandaid

Last night I ended my weekend on an ouchy note. Let set up the moment for you:

"Aren't you tired of always being....hm hm? You need to be goofy sometimes".
(basically the body language translated into basically implying that I'm stuckup)

OUCH. That hurt and probably one of the main reasons I slept like crap last night (or lack thereof). This bothers me something fierce. My answer is that it just isn't me! Yes I enjoy having fun and laughs but I've never been the type to just let loose. Ever. I'm not wired that way.

Nobody understands. I had to grow up incredibly fast! It pretty much started when at the age of 18 I was in charge of 10 people 5 days a week, 3 meals a day for 2.5 months at MWSR. That summer changed me especially in the aspect of responsibility. I graduated college at the age of 19 and had a full-time job that summer before I was even 20. I've grown up so much in the past 3 years it's insane! I've had to rediscover who I am a zillion times over and with that has brought a lot of change to my personality and my way of life. I've taken on more responsibilties lately with buying a car and the big kicker - being a church elder. It's not that having all this going on makes me a better person or better than other people it's just that the place I am in life right now is a lot different than most people my age.

Spiritually I've had a massive makeover especially in the past year. This has also matured me and makes me who I am today, right now. I love being silly, goofy and witty but sometimes that doesn't come out because of the surroundings I'm in. And yes I am sometimes tired of always being apparently "stuck up" but I can't change that. I have too many people counting on me to be the stable, normal, accountable, responsible person.

This is so hard to explain!!

Also something else came up about how I go to church because I'm searching for something. That's not exactly right. I'm not really searching for anything because I have found Christ, He lives in me and thru me. My life is His life. I go to church to learn more and fill my thirsty soul. And the by products of such bring community and fellowship with other church goers.

Being an Elder (and the secretary on the Leadership Team) has been a challenge so far and I'm only 7 months in my 2 year term (well possibly 4 year term). I've had to deal with not being afraid of judgment as I'm 22 years old and a chuch elder - quite a foreign idea to most people. It's a huge commitment! But never have I felt so accepted in such a role! That people see me as mature enough to help make decisions for the future of our Church.

I don't find my responsibilties burdensome! It's just that it affects who I am and what I do as a person. I have a lot on my plate for a 22 year - most people my age are either just finishing school or getting married. I like who I am even though sometimes I wish I could be a little more fun and easy going but I am that way sometimes it just depends on the circumstances.

I don't know if this makes much sense because explaining ones being to someone who isn't you is just a little hard. And I guess seeig yourself from someone else's perspective makes you contemplate.

Knowledge is a powerful thing. Not that I've suddenly become powerful with some new knowledge but I've noticed some interesting things this week.

A lot of the books, bible studies, scripture I have been reading has all been matching up at all different events this week. Usually when I read different types of material they never overlap but it's been different this week.

For example I finished reading this book called "The Pawn" by Steven James (not releasing until September) and the plot has a lot to do with a modern version of the "The People's Temple" cult back in the 70's. Then today I'm reading a blog (about 2 people who are evaluating churches in Toronto) and the poster brought up how the church seemed similar to that of Jim Jones and The People's Temple. Before yesterday I had never heard about this tragic event in history! Strange but really cool.

Then at bible study we were talking about Joseph being sold off by his brothers then later on in life they come to Egypt where Joseph is in high power. Joseph forgives him and wants his father to come see him. One of the discussion questions was why did it take Joseph so long to reveal his secret about being sold? I gave the point that when the sons told their father Joseph was killed, they didn't really tell him they had just dipped his coat in blood and the father assumed he was dead. I had never heard that story put that way until earlier this week listening to a teaching I was given a while back.

To me it's super fascinating that things I've picked up lately seem to be connecting in such great ways! I feel so smart! :) Maybe that's why I like reading so much? Constantly learning new perspectives and gaining smarts about things I've never known before?

Oh and if you want a great suspense/thriller/crime novel - pick up a copy of "The Pawn". Definitely one of the best books I've read in a while! A killer of a page turner! :P

Links to check out:
The Pawn Promo Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_HlC7Kvap8
Toronto version of "Jim & Casper Go To Church": http://drewmarshall.ca/blog/
Steven James: http://stevenjames.net/index.php

on a smooth road

I can't even really remember my first post about my new "journey". It's a lame-o way of saying it but really, how else to explain this road I'm on? :P

I baked tonight. It's such a good feeling - can't you just smell those hot out of the oven rhubarb muffins? Delish. I'm discovering again this week about things I enjoy doing which make me happy. My priorities aren't exactly lined up but for a little happiness? I thought it'd be smarter. I've read two books in the last week and it's only Thursday. I'm kick'n back on the balcony at night instead of running off doing something or glued to the tube or computer. I long to go to the gym (and actually feel guilty about not going) but I lack the ambition currently. (Can anyone hold me accountable? Or join me?)

It's been a great! I've listened to 1 lesson of the bible study I was given (seriously, who can find 50min a day to sit, listen, absorb and meditate so much info?). To see how much I take from this study I am currently taking notes that I'll share later on as I get thru more. The first lesson totally hit home though and was pretty much perfect timing! No place like walking in the cemetery to gain some introspect! (It's really not that morbid! It's a massive beautiful cemetery with paved roads, lots of trees. benches and great place to get away without being far from home)

I have my priorities and right now it's making myself happy - doing the things I enjoy instead of putting them off until I have time.

Seriously I sound so cheesey bally! My eloquent way with words is failing me tonite...so distracted by the delicious aroma from the kitchen....

Soul Thirsty

I'm a journey right now, stuck in the valley and climbing my way out.

PM: "Michelle, I'm going to be blunt - what is your soul craving?"
Me: "Uh, um....*sigh*..that's an on the spot question...I dunno"

It took me a good five minutes but it came to me in a super clear thought - Acceptance & Love.

Last night I broke down again. I was really upset, bawling in front of my computer screen just wanting to talk to someone yet I didn't feel anyone could handle my burden I was wanting to unload. I needed someone that wasn't related to me, nor could I explain to a friend what was going on inside of. My phone rang and it changed everything. God has blessed me so much with someone who is more than just a mentor to me but a true friend who always builds me up - reaffirming who I am in Christ and how human we all are. (Pastor Mike this is a shout-out to you! If you even read this blog :P)

I'm going to try to keep a journal of my thoughts over the next while especially as I'm doing a bit of a study as provoted to me last night. God is constantly molding me to become who He wants me to be!

Time to quench my thirsty soul.

an emo's journey

Gut wrenching sobs. Tears streaming down, soaking into her skin.
She cries.

Love so deep, unconditional, everlasting. More than compromising, it's a sacrifice.
She cries.

Longing to breath deep, reaching beyond just to grasp on to the edge.
She cries.

Forgiveness, acceptance and respect is all she longs for.
A place, safe and worthy to be warrant trust. To be herself, to feel a sense of belong. To be pushed, grow and mature. What must it take? How much must she give?

To hold her heart out and have it stomped on?

A rut she doesn't want, heartache she keeps feeling.
She cries.

Soft words and a gentle heart, a peace settles like leaves slowly falling from a tree.
She looks up.

Honesty, compassion and encouragement flow out. Soaking it all in.
She smiles.

heart of prayer

26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers[a] in harmony with God’s own will.

Romans 8:26-27

Thanks for the reminder Jesus.

I'm tired of not being respected.

I'm tired of not knowing what to say, how to act or converse.

The inside jokes? Give it up, no one gets them and you only seclude yourself.

I see your insecurities and I can't but feel annoyed.

WAKE UP!

How old are you anyways?

Has living life always been so difficult for you? Can you not see that greatness life
has to offer you?

Get up.

Buck up.

You are made for greatness, don't deny what's given to you.

I'm tired of always being the mature one... socially, mentally and spiritually.

What I could give to forget responsibilties and live like a teenager but I can't.

I've grown up, why can't you?

Is it so wrong to have expectations?

This time I had none and yet I was still disappointed.

Perfection is not what I anticipated but I couldn't even get participation.

How much is going to take?

Nothing...

because I am done.

I'm going through some really weird times right now. Tonight especially I feel out of sorts and this rant came out of me. Not really applied to person(s) in specific but a bunch of events mashed together and now together in random blurts of annoyance.

I've realized lately that I need to take some time each day before starting work to read some scripture. Lately there's been a lot going on in my life and those around me. I'm struggling with some things as well and I've having a hard time concentrating at work during some points in the day.

So day, I prayed and asked God to reveal a passage in the bible for me to read and this is what popped into my head immediately - Psalm 28. This verse stuck out at me:

6 Praise the Lord! For he has heard my cry for mercy.
7 The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.
and Matthew 5: 14-16
14 “You are the light of the world—like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden.
15 No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.
16 In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father.

a new creation

"It is He who is described as both unchanging and as an all-consuming fire.
Upon encountering God, I cannot expect to stay the same. Of course He will
change me. He makes me new, new like the morning sun, new like the whitest
snow."

(credit: relevantmag.com)

Me:"..yah, it's been a busy week because...blah, blah, blah"
Person 1:"oh man, that's lots of change"
Me: "uh huh"

Why did I feel like no one cared about the craziness of my life in the past weeks?
"Because you are a selfish little brat just looking for attention."

Here I sat at my leadership meeting during prayer just thinking about all the things going on in MY life. I was here to pray about and come together to build God's/our church!

"I know no other master, I give myself to you..."

*Sigh* I'm sorry Father. Help me focus tonite.

Yet after the battle in my mind and a great meeting I still had to open my big yap and spill what's on my mind to the closest person.

WHY?

I don't need affirmation or to "brag" about how "busy" I am. Why do I need sympathy from those around me?

"Because people always come to you with their problems so why not get something in return? You're always there for everyone else, for once they can be there for you! You are always the strong one. The rock. The shoulder to cry on. The stable one. They can't handle you being personal and needy"

Would somebody please flick the internal battle out of my head? Ack. Why do I have to be so self fixing? (for a lack of a better term). Always digging for the root of the problem and coming up with a solution. I'm constantly searching myself for fleshy patterns and sometimes discovering them aren't so pleasant.

As I stepped out of my zippy little car after my short drive home it hit me. I'm being selfish. I want empathy from people yet what's going on in my life is not that big of deal in retrospect. Yes, lots of change and some challenges ahead but that's what builds character and creates excitment in life. I need to get over myself. I could try convincing myself otherwise but I can't.

It's true I am always the "pillow", never the head on the pillow. But maybe that's the way God wired me? To be the counsellor, not the person seeking counsel. Maybe that's why I'll never be skinny either - i gotta have enough squishy-ness on me so people can enjoy a good hug :P

So from here on out things ARE going to be interesting around here but that's life!

I'll just keep on truck'n and rememebering who IS always in control.




A couple nights ago I attended my first ever church meeting as an Elder. What a great meeting! It had to be one of the only meetings I've gone to where I didn't get the urge to roll my eyes back and daydream :P I'm a little anxious with all the new responsibilities and things I must learn as an Elder (and also newly appointed Secretary of the Leadership Team) but at the same time I'm looking forward to absorbing new information and growing.

Speaking of growing - I was really encouraged at the meeting when one of the other Elders interjected for a moment to comment about how much I've changed since him and his wife met me. He was amazed at how much I've changed in the past two years. How do you respond to that? A humble 'thank you'?

Over the last while I've trying accept that I have changed. I know that sounds odd but a couple years ago I had no hope for myself - no aspirations, dreams or goals. I was stuck. Now, not so much. There has not been a pivotal moment where things suddenly changed but a ton of small events. Such as: attending Hope, living with 4 random people for a summer, building new relationships, job promotion (being encouraged which has given me confidence), overcoming fears, personal training at the gym, buying a car and just stepping out of my comfort zone. The hidden confident me is finally peeking out of it's shell.

I have a lot of people and things to be thankful for because I wouldn't be where I am without them/it. And I hope never do forget how far I've become as a person - spiritual and personalitywise.

There are many things I have yet to conquer, things to try and some fears to be eradicated but for now I'm happy with who I am becoming!

I leave you with lyrics from a fav band I was listening to on the way to work:

"Though everything’s the same inside
There’s something real
A faith which causes me to change
(But what’s different now)
A spark is gleaming in my eye
Like diamond stars that fill the sky
I think a smile says it all
A smile says it all
"
(Smile - Kutless)

in the valley

I've been in a very pecular mood this week and it's annoying the heck out of me. Long gone is the happiness I had a week ago...the contentment with blessings has so quickly disappeared. Maybe my mind is mad at me for letting it leave the warm tropics of florida? And I'm so tired! Workouts used to perk me up at night but lately I'd rather nap than workout. I have no motivation to do anything at night - even talk to friends! Crawling into a hole and sleeping for the rest of the week has great appeal to me right now.

I had a discussion with a lady at church about blessings. Well more and less that when we are blessed we are afraid to be too happy 'cause heaven forbid something bad happen. And lately with my recent trip to Florida, buying a car and my semi-recent job promotion I wasn't allowing myself to get excited about it all because I knew it wouldn't last. How sad! What joy I should be celebrating! Blessings are a gift, I can't throw it back.

I hope this is only a phase I'm going thru and it is over soon - I want my spark for life back.

35:90

I wish I would have blogged about this in the heat of the moment...my rant would be just a little more intense.

This past Sunday I was voted into the church leadership team - I am now an Elder. That's right. Feel free to laugh, scroff or give me a congradulations b/c that's the type of responses I am getting. When I was first nominated my reaction was "uh, no. only old married men do that" but then I got thinking about it. I think it's pretty darn cool that I have this opportunity and that there are people wanting to have someone with a "young and fresh" perspective on board. It was kinda neat 'cause after the congregation meeting one lady (Emily) came up to me and gave me a giant huge - "I'm partly responsible for bringing you here!". It's true I met Emily at a lady's fitness centre and after sometime I asked where she went to church and so she took me along. And I never stopped going to Hope Fellowship. I'm not sure what all my responsibilties will be now....having coffee with the pastor this week to chat it up and take a look at how my focus for volunteering at church will change. Farewell Praise Team?

Which brings me to the more rant of my blog...

Church membership. I was reading thru the church's annual report and was appauled by the lack of people listed as members. Only 35 members out an amount of 90 regular attendees. Why aren't ppl becoming members? What's so difficult about it?? My friend Darryl has been attending Hope for over 4 yrs so I asked him w hy aren't u a member? "I trust the church members will vote well without me, i trust them". Okay. Lame. Church membership is just to show that you are saying that you will be with the church for an unknown amount of time and you like the church...even maybe that you want to show commitment and are willing to invest time/effort/money into seeing it grow. That's not too hard is it?? Seriously. And what is required of u to become a member? Be there for at least 6 months consistantly and attend a 2.5hr class about the foundations of the church and what the church believes in. Oh and on one Sunday you have to stand at the front of the church for a few moments while the Pastor prays over you and let's the congregation know that you are now "offically" a member.

So what's the flipp'n deal?? I understand that it semi-constitutes commitment. OH! There's the problem right there. Heaven forbid anyone commits to anything anymore. GOSH. I really don't know what's wrong with most ppl my age (and even friends of mine in their late 20's) who can't seem to be mature enough and commit theirselves to something. Church membership isn't that big o deal. Just a name on a list.

Or maybe that's the problem, it's not a big enough deal.

an opportune moment

Why is it that sometimes we want something we cannot have? Like there is a moment you could seize the 'want' yet in the back of your mind you know it's not something you are allowed to have without consequences. In a blink of an eye you make that decision... sometimes regretfully and sometimes thankfully.

community, building, pastor, food, work, coffee, Jesus, worship, rules...

my answer: politics

my more "real" answers: rejection, unacceptance, cliques, feeling alone


This morning the sermon was about the church. What does it mean to us? The top line above was random answers by the congregation, second line was my contribution and the third line is self explainatory. During his whole sermon I just kept thinking about how much I know I'll never fit into the group of YA at my church. I'm not going to conform to their level. They claim to accept me for who I am yet I am not myself around them. Conversations are always so surface level and usually involving some crude comment, drinking of beer, bad jokes, loads amount of inside jokes between a select few... I SO long for community with people my age yet I can't seem to find it. Yes I have a group of friends but which are scattered across Ontario. Why is this so hard? I quit planning YA events at my church because I am so sick of the noncommitment from others, I'm tired of having expectations and being disappointed. How hard is it to be real? To care? I need to find a place/group where I can thrive and grow, have people to be accountable to, to be stretched, want to belong. Why did I take on the role of YA co-ordinator? Honestly.

I love my church but I don't love the lack of what I am searching for.

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