Contemplations

Last night I ended my weekend on an ouchy note. Let set up the moment for you:

"Aren't you tired of always being....hm hm? You need to be goofy sometimes".
(basically the body language translated into basically implying that I'm stuckup)

OUCH. That hurt and probably one of the main reasons I slept like crap last night (or lack thereof). This bothers me something fierce. My answer is that it just isn't me! Yes I enjoy having fun and laughs but I've never been the type to just let loose. Ever. I'm not wired that way.

Nobody understands. I had to grow up incredibly fast! It pretty much started when at the age of 18 I was in charge of 10 people 5 days a week, 3 meals a day for 2.5 months at MWSR. That summer changed me especially in the aspect of responsibility. I graduated college at the age of 19 and had a full-time job that summer before I was even 20. I've grown up so much in the past 3 years it's insane! I've had to rediscover who I am a zillion times over and with that has brought a lot of change to my personality and my way of life. I've taken on more responsibilties lately with buying a car and the big kicker - being a church elder. It's not that having all this going on makes me a better person or better than other people it's just that the place I am in life right now is a lot different than most people my age.

Spiritually I've had a massive makeover especially in the past year. This has also matured me and makes me who I am today, right now. I love being silly, goofy and witty but sometimes that doesn't come out because of the surroundings I'm in. And yes I am sometimes tired of always being apparently "stuck up" but I can't change that. I have too many people counting on me to be the stable, normal, accountable, responsible person.

This is so hard to explain!!

Also something else came up about how I go to church because I'm searching for something. That's not exactly right. I'm not really searching for anything because I have found Christ, He lives in me and thru me. My life is His life. I go to church to learn more and fill my thirsty soul. And the by products of such bring community and fellowship with other church goers.

Being an Elder (and the secretary on the Leadership Team) has been a challenge so far and I'm only 7 months in my 2 year term (well possibly 4 year term). I've had to deal with not being afraid of judgment as I'm 22 years old and a chuch elder - quite a foreign idea to most people. It's a huge commitment! But never have I felt so accepted in such a role! That people see me as mature enough to help make decisions for the future of our Church.

I don't find my responsibilties burdensome! It's just that it affects who I am and what I do as a person. I have a lot on my plate for a 22 year - most people my age are either just finishing school or getting married. I like who I am even though sometimes I wish I could be a little more fun and easy going but I am that way sometimes it just depends on the circumstances.

I don't know if this makes much sense because explaining ones being to someone who isn't you is just a little hard. And I guess seeig yourself from someone else's perspective makes you contemplate.