Contemplations

Like I told some people today - at that time it felt like hell.  My entire life was turned upside down and shook about. To me it was the worst thing that has happened in my 23 years of life (excluding many deaths in the family).  I LOVED my job.  It was perfect for me - creative, administrative and books galore!  It was a huge blow to my identity in this world.  I had banked on that job for a good couple more years and in seconds my future was unknown.

I cried daily for about 4 months.  I cried myself to sleep, I cried on my way home after interviews, I cried driving to and fro temp jobs, I cried in the washroom on my breaks.  It was an extremely emotional time for me!  I was the stable one - had the good paying job, bought a car, always responsible financially, solid as a rock.  I was that no longer.  I was a wreck.  There were moments where I screamed bloody murder and was sobbing prostrate on the ground.  I was downright pissed off, anger, tired, annoyed and feeling very much alone.  Sadly my sister who I live with didn't know how to console me so I was pretty much on my own to deal with my outbursts.  No one knew how badly I was taking the job loss, I hid it well for quite sometime telling friends/family that I knew God would provide when deep in my heart I was crazy scared.  

Even today not many people knew what I was going through and I have such a hard time explaining what went on.  I was a walking, talking emotional time bomb, depressed beyond words and so sad.  I stopped caring about myself and my friends.  I was in this situation and that's all that mattered.  I was not myself at all. Smiling was forced and hearing me laugh was rare.  I hurt so much.  Honestly if it wasn't for my Pastor I think my hell would have lasted a lot longer.  He was brutal with reminding me who I was in Christ and what mattered at that moment.  Praying for my emotions - I can do that?  I learned to ask God what He was going to speak into my heart about and it was always the same:

I LOVE YOU.  You are mine.  Enjoy the day I have given you. Relax.  Love yourself as much as I love you.  

For so long I lived on my emotions and reacted on them.  I thought I knew what I wanted and I told God that constantly.  In the end I didn't get any of the jobs I wanted instead I'm where God wants me.