I had a couple profound thoughts in church today, obviously provoked by the message given by my pastor.
Eternity. For some reason I've always thought of my life ending when I die. That the only life I have is the one I have now and eternity is just where I'll go with no memory of the life on earth. I don't think that's the case. I had this vivid image of taking my journey on earth and as another "being" in heaven, is given the task of guiding someone on earth through their journey. A bit much to take in but just a thought.
Control. I learned the great lesson of control this past year. Over and over again. It finally struck me head-on this morning that if you look at the big picture, we don't have much "control" over our lives at all. Yes we have free will, but can we control the weather that then impedes travel plans? Do we control when our cars start falling apart? Do we truly control our finances? I've started to give everything to God. My job (as totally out of my element as it is), my car (as repairs come along), my health (seriously, I have some odd health issues that are minor but still..) etc.
Christ is IN me. "For God wanted them to know that the riches and glory of Christ are for you Gentiles, too. And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory." (Colossians 1:27 NLT ) ***
Christ works THROUGH me. "God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God" (Romans 8:28 NLT).
I also received some "revelations" in the past couple weeks that have stuck with me so much. I am fine. I can relax. God is taking care of me. God took everything away from me and the big one was my PRIDE. Last January I was at my peak with my physical body, spiritually (or so I thought) and I loved my job (and was finally getting comfortable) and then it was gone. I lost so much of what I thought I was. Now I've been given a job that isn't my strong suit but is at a company that people envy. Interesting no? He took away my pride and reliance in and on anything. Teaching me that I lean too much on myself and what I think I control. Life is so much more "freeing" when you let go of the worry and rest it at Jesus' feet. I know it sounds easier said then done but I've learned the hard way! Over and over again :P
I have learned so much about life in the past year and I want to keep learning but maybe a bit more gently this coming year!
***This verse was pivotal in my understanding of what the Christian life is supposed to be about and I didn't hear it until 3 years ago. I wish more people would hear and understood this verse earlier in life.
I was told a while ago by a friend that it is rather sad that I do not have any dreams/aspirations.
I lied. Not intentionally but I guess holding back, afraid of being unrealistic.
There have always been "careers" in the back of my mind that I've thought about a tad bit over my life and for various reasons wrote them off.
- radio broadcasting (until I actually heard my voice recorded - Eek!)
- writer (I've written in journals my whole life, random bits of poetry but writing a novel? Um, about what?)
And recently I've really got to thinking about a career in the IT world. I'm not saying I want to go and learn JavaScript but I love working with computers, exploring new programs, problem solving, helping people learn programs, reading up on new trends and joining the ranks, etc.
Yesterday I had an appointment with an employment advisor and now I have a task ahead of me. After doing some testing I now have a list of careers that I could be/am interested in. Research now commences. By Friday I have to have a list of the top 5 careers I would possibly like to peruse.
#1 on my testing? Computer Training/Trainer.
Interesting.
To me if feels like I've been consistently banging my head against the wall in regards to my career. Doors keep slamming shut. Opportunities I get are either revoked last minute or the job isn't a good fit whatsoever. I've changed more jobs in the past 9 months than I have my entire life (it's a long story). All of this? Makes no sense to me.
I'm dream-less. Not in the sense of sleeping and having no dreams but the dreams people have for their lives. Goals, aspirations and direction? HA! Don't got any and don't how to acquire them. My parents never gave me (or my sibs) guidance when it came to career choices - not that makes it their fault i have no direction but having to figure everything out on my own is pretty tough.
How do I figure out what i want to do with my life? What is God telling me that I'm not hearing or taking the time to hear? I feel such a lack of understanding of my life right now that's super discouraging! I talked to a friend this morning that had me crying immediately (unbeknownst to him) because he pointed out that even if I got that job I wanted was it honestly where I wanted to end up? I didn't want to hear it! Not again! He was right on the money and I didn't want to deal with it.
It's like a never ending cycle where I think I have it figured out, I almost get a job and then I'm back to square one applying for jobs I really have no passion to even be wanting to work for. Now I have a crap p/t job because I need the money. Where does this leave me?
I'm tired of the crap. Yet I lack the ambition to figure out what I want do with my life. Does it scare the living daylights out of me that I'm so unsure of my future? HECK YES. Does it bother me that my life feels so out of sync for the past year? YES. Does it bug me that I can't afford things that I actually do need? Does it irritate me that I have to borrow money/have other people pay for groceries/food? YES, YES and YES.
This past month plus I've been more controlled when it comes to being so emotional yet I'm still at the same place in my heart and mind. WHAT AM I MISSING? I used to beg God to give me jobs that I applied for. This time I was quiet and waiting for things to work out in His time but here I am yet again.
What am I supposed to do? I don't want to switch jobs anymore unless it's where I'm supposed to be. I know people who have lost their jobs this week and feel God's peace about their future. Can I get some? I'm in this unending repetition of feeling that I'm not doing enough/good enough for God to work things out. That I've made too many wrong decisions lately that has screwed everything up. Why do I feel like I'm gonna go no where forever?
If you are praying for me, pray that I find guidance and direction. I so badly want to feel some sort of urge to try something new but it alludes me. UGH.
Today during the sermon my pastor mentioned my name in regards to facing crap in life we didn't expect and to quote "just ask Michelle, she went through 5 months of hell". Now there's way to get people talking to me! People hear that I went through and hell and are skeptical - what could be horrible that it was like hell?
I thought that suddenly my life would come together in one huge climatic event. Funny how God has different ideas. I thought that I would have so much to blog about from the last 6 months yet words allude me. It was a journey of journeys. It was the end of a beginning and a beginning to the rest of my life. God taught me so many things and I'm a wiser person because of it. Never have I shed so many tears in my life and even now tears come so easily. I was finding myself in the wrong way and in the wrong places. God defines me. Work, friends, church doesn't. Pride is an easy throne to sit on and the hardest to come off of. God will show His hand but only in His time no matter what we do. Life will change but Christ is ever present and the same, forever.
Below is a "snapshot" of a moment from the past 6 months:
Tear drops fall, splattering little marks on her pants. Chest heaving in sobs she cries in anguish. In complete desperation.
Don’t give up.
You are LOVED.
You are my daughter.
Come to Me.
My arms are open.
Also my pastor was a huge help in giving me encouragement and letting me cry...well I cried almost every time we spoke. Talk about crying on a drop of hat!
(7:11 PM) Pastor:
how about quit praying for the situation, and pray for intimacy?
(7:13 PM)
the screaming and running around means you have taken back control over your situation. Re-surrender is a gift the Holy Spirit gives us.....VERBALLY yell it out...I surrender control to you God, I will trust you with the OUTCOME of all this. Now God, with that said, let's get to know one another...what are you saying to my heart RIGHT NOW..."
(7:14 PM)
(when the stress hits again...you can yell out....WHOA! Wait a min emotions, I've surrendered that, back off. Quit messin' with my head. Father, address the emotional response, because I can't....now Father, back to what you are trying to say to me...
(7:16 PM) graceguycanada@yahoo.com:
here is what he will tell you Michelle, ..."I LOVE YOU, NOW...RECEIVE MY GENTLE LOVE, I WILL WORK IT OUT, GENTLY TAKE YOUR EYES OFF OF THE SITUATION AND PUT THEM ON ME, LOOK IN MY EYES, I LOVE YOU AND I ONLY HAVE THE BEST IN MIND FOR YOU, YOU ARE MINE, AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU....FOREVER!
That chapter on my life is closed. Nothing lost, much has been gained.
There is something wonderful about watching the sun slowly fade into the night. The warm air wraps it's last breaths around the ground bringing with it a heavenly scent..trees, flowers, freshly trimmed grass. It tinkles the nose and absorbs into the lungs.
Dusk, it comes slowly and delicately letting us enjoy the sunshine for as long as possible.
Farewell bright day and welcome warm earthy night with all your mysteries.
(Inspired and written on June 24, 2008)
This afternoon I watched the "Passion of the Christ" again after seeing it 3 years ago. It seemed like the right moment to watch the movie again as heart wrenching as it is. My cheeks are stained with salty tears, my heart still deep with emotions.
What a feeling that must have been for the disciples to see Christ died as He told them at the passover. To take the bread and wine in remembrance of Him before knowing how broken He would become and that death was part of God's plan.
He suffered intense pain for US! We are forgiven in Him always and forever. God sacrificed His only flesh and blood to show us His eternal love. How free are we?
More free then we can ever understand with our human minds. Christ in us, the hope of glory! Forgiven of every sin and loved beyond our wildest imaginations.
Papa, thank you.
Do you want to see the real me?
Follow me through the cemetery.
Hear my laboured breathing
and the sounds of my feet plodding along.
Watch me turn and tilt my head,
and soak in the warm sun.
See the tears leak out my eyes
and wet my cheeks.
Hear me uttering words
and singing praise songs.
Watch me kneel on the ground
with my hands raised.
See the smile on my face
as I surrender yet again.
Keep following me and you will see Him.
Bright as the sun and mysterious as the wind.
"Why do I fail to see God's hand in this? Why do I feel like I'm in a pit and can't seem to even try climbing out?"
I contacted my pastor tonight in request of finding me a counselor. I need someone to talk to and get a grip on my life. I'm so confused, hurt and frustrated right now that it's affecting my being. I cry pretty much daily. I cry out to God constantly yet my heart is heavy and my head hung low.
I need to move on and I can't without some guidance.
This has been probably one of the most difficult times in my life so far. May I come out of this an even more spiritually shaped person.
I stumbled across this video on a friend's facebook page. I needed to hear these lyrics at that moment and definitely felt the need to share:
I'm not hanging on very well.
I cry almost everyday.
Tears of anguish and anger.
I thought I heard God telling me that today things would change and it seems I was very wrong. Nothing has changed and I have to go back to a really crappy temp job (to put it nicely.)
Is it so wrong to just ask for a job?!? I'm losing faith in God's provision. 8 WEEKS! I'm tired of being home all the time, I'm tired of being so emotional and upset with myself for still being at home.
What else is there for me to do? I'm not getting interviews and I don't want to take on any more temp jobs.
Why can I love God so much but I feel so alone? Why do I think I hear His voice but it is my own? I got through this weekend banking on what I thought was going to happen and now I'm sorely disappointed.
I want stability back! I feel like I can't get anything done because my entire life is off balance. I have so many things I need to do once I have a stable income. I can't even maintain my car or keep a stock of groceries in the house.
I'm tired of this being my entire life and that's all I have to talk about. I'm a drag! I'm depressed and don't want to talk about it anymore.
Where do I go from here? Live off EI for half a year? I apply for jobs but the only calls I get are from temp agencies. I know things could be worse but for me this is my "worse". I'm jobless, single and depressed. Great stuff!
What's it going to take for me to become employed? How many times to I have to pray? How many times to I have to cry in anguish? How many nights do I have to struggle with sleep?
I'M DONE. I've given up.
I'm really depressed tonight...I even got out of the house to be around people but it didn't work because my entire life right now is on hold. I HATE BEING UNEMPLOYED. There isn't a moment in the day I don't think about the fact that I'm jobless and have bills that need to be paid. I'm so tired of this being my entire life right now. I have nothing to talk about except that I can't seem to find a job.
I hurt so bad and I cry a lot. I keep up a face so much around people because I don't want anyone knowing how much I'm struggling. Or how disrupted my life has become...
I cried myself into a nap this afternoon begging God to take care of me. I feel so neglected and alone. People keep reminding that God has something big in store for me but I fail to see it.
I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of being sick, I'm sick of being home all day, I'm sick of my life right now.
I'm tired and sick. This is not a good combo.
Tired of being at home day after day, feeling very much alone and useless. 4 weeks I have been unemployed and I'm not doing well at all. Why? Last year was really rough on me and now this? I had written in my journal in the fall that God must be preparing me for something big but I didn't think it would be this. I've applied for a ton of jobs but nothing, NOTHING. And I hate that this is all my life is about now. Having to explain to everyone I know that I'm still not working. It hurts. My career was a major party of my identity and now it's gone.
All I can do is trust God in all of this but I'm having such a hard time doing so. And will it take me completely trusting him for me to get a job? Stupid legalistic mindset! Leave me! I have so much doubt yet I know that when I got my job 3.5 yrs ago it was an answer to prayer so why do I doubt? I know He provides but I won't let myself believe it again. But I have to!
So many people have said/passed on such amazing encouragement and I need to keep reminding myself:
"I know that God has a beautiful plan for the details of your life. Your attitude about this is so honouring to God. "
I have emails and a card chuck full of beautiful words from friends and old co-workers. I worked with some amazing people who have helped me become who I am and I miss them dearly.
Honestly I don't know if I can take any more heart break. I spent the fall healing from a very intense year and now again I'm.....upset, crying, hurting, and trying to see what God is doing in my life.