This afternoon I watched the "Passion of the Christ" again after seeing it 3 years ago. It seemed like the right moment to watch the movie again as heart wrenching as it is. My cheeks are stained with salty tears, my heart still deep with emotions.
What a feeling that must have been for the disciples to see Christ died as He told them at the passover. To take the bread and wine in remembrance of Him before knowing how broken He would become and that death was part of God's plan.
He suffered intense pain for US! We are forgiven in Him always and forever. God sacrificed His only flesh and blood to show us His eternal love. How free are we?
More free then we can ever understand with our human minds. Christ in us, the hope of glory! Forgiven of every sin and loved beyond our wildest imaginations.
Papa, thank you.
Do you want to see the real me?
Follow me through the cemetery.
Hear my laboured breathing
and the sounds of my feet plodding along.
Watch me turn and tilt my head,
and soak in the warm sun.
See the tears leak out my eyes
and wet my cheeks.
Hear me uttering words
and singing praise songs.
Watch me kneel on the ground
with my hands raised.
See the smile on my face
as I surrender yet again.
Keep following me and you will see Him.
Bright as the sun and mysterious as the wind.
"Why do I fail to see God's hand in this? Why do I feel like I'm in a pit and can't seem to even try climbing out?"
I contacted my pastor tonight in request of finding me a counselor. I need someone to talk to and get a grip on my life. I'm so confused, hurt and frustrated right now that it's affecting my being. I cry pretty much daily. I cry out to God constantly yet my heart is heavy and my head hung low.
I need to move on and I can't without some guidance.
This has been probably one of the most difficult times in my life so far. May I come out of this an even more spiritually shaped person.
I stumbled across this video on a friend's facebook page. I needed to hear these lyrics at that moment and definitely felt the need to share:
I'm not hanging on very well.
I cry almost everyday.
Tears of anguish and anger.
I thought I heard God telling me that today things would change and it seems I was very wrong. Nothing has changed and I have to go back to a really crappy temp job (to put it nicely.)
Is it so wrong to just ask for a job?!? I'm losing faith in God's provision. 8 WEEKS! I'm tired of being home all the time, I'm tired of being so emotional and upset with myself for still being at home.
What else is there for me to do? I'm not getting interviews and I don't want to take on any more temp jobs.
Why can I love God so much but I feel so alone? Why do I think I hear His voice but it is my own? I got through this weekend banking on what I thought was going to happen and now I'm sorely disappointed.
I want stability back! I feel like I can't get anything done because my entire life is off balance. I have so many things I need to do once I have a stable income. I can't even maintain my car or keep a stock of groceries in the house.
I'm tired of this being my entire life and that's all I have to talk about. I'm a drag! I'm depressed and don't want to talk about it anymore.
Where do I go from here? Live off EI for half a year? I apply for jobs but the only calls I get are from temp agencies. I know things could be worse but for me this is my "worse". I'm jobless, single and depressed. Great stuff!
What's it going to take for me to become employed? How many times to I have to pray? How many times to I have to cry in anguish? How many nights do I have to struggle with sleep?
I'M DONE. I've given up.
I'm really depressed tonight...I even got out of the house to be around people but it didn't work because my entire life right now is on hold. I HATE BEING UNEMPLOYED. There isn't a moment in the day I don't think about the fact that I'm jobless and have bills that need to be paid. I'm so tired of this being my entire life right now. I have nothing to talk about except that I can't seem to find a job.
I hurt so bad and I cry a lot. I keep up a face so much around people because I don't want anyone knowing how much I'm struggling. Or how disrupted my life has become...
I cried myself into a nap this afternoon begging God to take care of me. I feel so neglected and alone. People keep reminding that God has something big in store for me but I fail to see it.
I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of being sick, I'm sick of being home all day, I'm sick of my life right now.
I'm tired and sick. This is not a good combo.
Tired of being at home day after day, feeling very much alone and useless. 4 weeks I have been unemployed and I'm not doing well at all. Why? Last year was really rough on me and now this? I had written in my journal in the fall that God must be preparing me for something big but I didn't think it would be this. I've applied for a ton of jobs but nothing, NOTHING. And I hate that this is all my life is about now. Having to explain to everyone I know that I'm still not working. It hurts. My career was a major party of my identity and now it's gone.
All I can do is trust God in all of this but I'm having such a hard time doing so. And will it take me completely trusting him for me to get a job? Stupid legalistic mindset! Leave me! I have so much doubt yet I know that when I got my job 3.5 yrs ago it was an answer to prayer so why do I doubt? I know He provides but I won't let myself believe it again. But I have to!
So many people have said/passed on such amazing encouragement and I need to keep reminding myself:
"I know that God has a beautiful plan for the details of your life. Your attitude about this is so honouring to God. "
I have emails and a card chuck full of beautiful words from friends and old co-workers. I worked with some amazing people who have helped me become who I am and I miss them dearly.
Honestly I don't know if I can take any more heart break. I spent the fall healing from a very intense year and now again I'm.....upset, crying, hurting, and trying to see what God is doing in my life.
God does keep transforming us even in the midst of feeling very much alone, even more so when we don't even ask in our selfish prayers. God knew what I needed to read today and it's refreshed me yet again.
The last couple months have been a blur of many struggles and tears. It was a "season" for me of what I'm not quite sure but I feel that it's over. Greater things are coming and He has prepared me for it. I cannot ask what but I feel deep inside that things are going to change and evolve.
Christ in me. Forever!
There have been moments in the past few days that I've really noticed God's handiwork and sometimes it makes me chuckle.
I'm indecisive about moving and keep sending requests to God to help me decided. And what happens within a few minutes? Obnoxious neighbours above us having a loud party that did not end until after midnight. (One big reason I want out of an apartment building - noise level).
I was feeling let down by someone and within two days the person called me to get together.
Had a coffee break with my pastor and he reminded me to keep discovering God's love for me. And what is on the calendar that I just received as a present? "God is for you". The Lord your God loves you". Hmmm. (Except the calendar came from my pastor....)
I love today, it's been a great day.
I feel like I'm in un-ending funk. I don't know how to get out of this and move on. I'm tired, worn out, emotional and feeling really lonely. I've been a horrible friend to people for the past while - I don't keep in contact, I don't even appear online half the time even tho I'm at home sitting in front of my computer doing nothing. I'm avoiding certain people and I don't know why!!
There is so much stuff I need to do and I lack all motivation. I feel so horribly guilty right now and am pretty much able to cry at the drop of a hat.
I don't know what the hell is going on but all I know is that I need.....someone to pick up my pieces and help me back up.
I'm changing, again. My heart has broke so much over the past year and I know that God is slowly healing me over time. He told me to rest in His arms and I'm starting to without even trying.
My priorities in life are taking a turn too. I'm building more relationships that are genuine and honest. I LOVE it.
There are so many things I still need to unlearn and work through but I'm getting there in God's time.
*A thought just popped in my head after I hit post the first time - I've stopped relying on the same people to help me get through situations - Christ is becoming the shoulder for me to cry on.
I could never put my finger on why I love the show "Ugly Betty" so much but it hit me tonight while I was watching the last episode I missed.
I am Ugly Betty.
Betty: "I'm always the sensible one! I should be able to take a risk"
(paraphrased b/c my memory isn't that good)
In the past 3 years of my life I have always been the one with my head on straight. Always I think about how what I do affects everyone around me. Everyday I consider what my actions show about who I am. My thoughts fill with things of stability and security. I never take risks. I stay the same in life afraid to let go, afraid that others will fail without my stronghold of having my head on straight. Always the pillow but do you know what?? I want to rip that pillow and watch the feathers swirl in the air as I angrily tear the seam apart. I don't have it all together, never have!!
I went to college because my sisters did. I picked the only program I knew I could at least pass because I know I am not smart in math or science. After college I moved in with my sister because she needed a roommate and I didn't want to stay at home. I stayed unemployed that summer because I didn't try hard at getting a job. It took me four months to realize that I wasn't ready for the work world and ruined my summer. I work hard at my job and started settling down. I got promoted, which in turn I bought a car and now it's 3.25 years later. Do I know what I want with my life?
NO!
And I never have! I have no dreams or aspirations. Well I dream about things I know could never be a reality. What am I to achieve? What am I to become? I've grown up so much in the past 3 years - professionally and spiritually but for what?
Here I sit at my computer pounding the crap out of my keyboard writing this and again, for what?? Who's my audience besides my family and a select few other friends? I want to write like no one understands. I have such a passion for writing from my heart. I want people to hear my life, what struggling really means. To be honest with each other instead of hiding in our own little worlds only coming out to have relationships when we want them.
I want love! Love beyond all love. I want someone to come home to and cry on their shoulder. To have support physically, emotionally and spiritually. I want to stop always being the strong one. I want people to see I am real, I have feelings and I cry, a LOT! I am bawling right now and my heart is pounding in my head so bad it feels like it wants to explode.
I don't know what else to do right now. I don't know what's next. I know that Christ is the centre of my life but right now I'm so lost. I've given up talking to people about my spiritual life and I don't know why. I'm afraid of people seeing me lose it yet I sit at home alone sometimes and just sob uncontrollably. There were moments this summer I was driving in my car with tears just streaming down my face.
I can't continue like this because it's slowly killing me inside. I need people, I need counsel, I need encouragement, I need affirmation, I need relationships. I need to stop wearing this mask. I want people to see the real me - the hurt me, the happy me, the beauty inside of me, the love inside of me. I want people to finally see ME even if I don't really know who I am entirely. So here I am....
...broken like fragile glass.
I have touched on this topic before in a quote I came across but again it's popping up in my life. What is true maturity?
"1: the quality or state of being mature; especially : full development
2: termination of the period that an obligation has to run"
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/maturity
Is it so freak'n wrong to act beyond one persons own age?
Romans 8:6
6 So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%208:6%20;&version=51;
Association is a funny thing, actually more fascinating than anything else.
Example 1:
This morning I slipped on a ring that was given to me by my late Aunt Rita a month before she passed on. I wear the ring once in a while - sometimes as a reminder, other times it just matches the outfit. It's a beautiful gold band ring with a raised retangular blue stone and inscripted with "Love Aunt Rita, 2004". It's been 3 years last month since she died at the age of 51 to brain cancer.
Association - when I put the ring on this morning I thought about something an old roommmates dad said to me - "With that much cancer in your family, no one will ever want to marry you". Freak'n ouch eh? I haven't thought about that moment in a long time and I don't plan on dwelling on it. Jerk.
Example 2:
I have a hard time memorizing scripture. Why? As a kid I attend AWANA at a local bible chapel and what was the main thing we did to get rewarded? Memorize scripture and LOTS of it in...wait for it....King James Version. It's taken me a long time to even appreciate the thought of memorizing scripture again for more reasons that it just being an old school translation but how much I was forced to memorize scripture and the expectations from my mom. All I can say is, thanks goodness for the NLT.
Example 3:
Easy listening music. Any time I hear easy listening music (especially a song I know from the '80's and early 90's) I am transported back to many a times as a child sitting in the car listening to music while mom went shopping (it alwasy felt like FOREVER).
Example 4:
Christmas music - especially certain songs I flash back to many good memories of Christam and I long for them all over again. Even right now there is Christmas music playing in the office and it makes me want Christmas!
Like I said association with things are very interesting...
Last night I had a thought/idea come to mind and I want to persue this. I'm going to run with it and see where it takes me. I'm going to be vague because I get ideas quite often but they don't usually go anywhere/I forget about them.
So, if anything becomes of this idea I will spill but for now...it's your guess. :P
Romans 8:26-28 (New Living Translation)
26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers[a] in harmony with God’s own will. 28 And we know that God causes everything to work together[b] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
It's that time of year ago -well getting there in just a few short weeks.
I absolutely LOVE Christmas but sometimes I really dread mass gatherings. Office events involving everyone and their spouse (who's the only single?), family gatherings where anyone over the age of 20 is already married (and probably a kid on the way)...
In no means am I desperate for a "better half", just situations like this sometimes poke a little at my emo heart.
October has been a grace rich month and so is the beginning of this month.
I'm currently attending the Grace Walk Conference again for the second time and I'm still grasping more truths and understanding
More thoughts to come....
Sometimes I wish I were perfect although not a soul on this planet is.
Making mistakes really bugs me and usually puts a tamper on my mood because all mistakes have consequences. For the most part I don't have a problem admitting to doing something wrong but at the same time I hate the feeling of it being my fault....yet again. My heart starts pounding, my sorrounds become unfocused and I feel a heat flush rush up from my neck and my ears turn read.
Why is being un-perfect so hard sometimes? Why do I feel like making a mistake is really showing faults? And in some situations there could be reasons for mistakes - inadequate training, lapse of judgement, distractions, etc.
I guess this is God's way of keeping me humble?!?